Letter from Saddam
Good Morning Viet—I mean Iraq! And all you Infidels!

by Saddam Hussein, 7-10-03

From Saddam Hussein to all Crusaders and assorted infidels, greetings! Salaam Aleikum!

I write to you from my hiding place under a restaurant just two blocks away from the Imperial American Headquarters in storied Baghdad.

It is hot and stuffy down here, and I miss my palaces and Louis Quinze reproduction furniture. Nonetheless, I am enjoying myself hugely.

You will recall that I am an admirer of Stalin. A great man! In order to defend his backward country from the Nazi invader, it was necessary for him to ruthlessly eliminate opposition and control both information and the means of production.

Stalin withdrew into the endless steppe and destroyed Hitler's armies. He devised this strategy after studying the defeat of Napoleon by the Tsar in 1812. The Russians had retired in orderly fashion before the invader, destroying everything in the path of the French advance. Not a farm, not a barn, not a wheat field, and barely a town was left standing. And when Bonaparte was exhausted, dispirited and his lines of supply stretched thin, only then did the Tsar strike. A no-brainer, really.

Iraq is not Russia. We couldn't withdraw with an army into a vast hinterland. But in some ways we could copy Stalin. Smash, hide or steal everything in the path of the crusaders, the oil pumping equipment, hospital heart monitoring machines, government paper clips, even the concrete blocks in the Basra sidewalks. Everything needing to be replaced, a public sector wasteland created! Slash and burn. Scorched earth.

Meanwhile, I peel a grape, sit on three billion dollars and wait in my restaurant just two blocks away from the Imperial American Headquarters in storied Baghdad.

As you know, the war was a walk-over. My troops just melted away, leaving Bush to strut his stuff: how powerful, how unbeatable we are - the greatest superpower ever in the history of the world. Sure. I agree. It's dumb to confront all those helicopter gun-ships and guided missiles head-on. Smarter to melt away to fight another day. Resist just enough to allow the crusaders to pat themselves on the back for outstanding heroism and be lauded by a sycophantic press. Then, just disappear.

So, I'm biding my time. I told the troops, "Off you go, lads, become civilians, cause just enough trouble to keep the Americans in their flack jackets and armored cars. Keep them jittery and trigger-happy enough to annoy even the Kurds."

It's election time in eighteen months. By that time even those who hate me will be seething at the occupation, if they are not already. By that time the American public will be bored with Iraq and be on to the next national enemy. Go for it, Kim in North Korea!

Then I will emerge, a hero, promising firm government, security, clean streets and brandishing those missing electricity grid maps. Will the Crusaders want a re-match? Doubt it. They hate admitting they were fooled. The Taliban is finished in Afghanistan, yes? And Saddam is finished in Iraq. They wish! Can't wait to get back to my palaces, my reproduction Louis Quinz furniture and stringing up Chalabi and his fellow exiles.

Talk to you again soon!