Ever wonder how George Bush, Trent Lott (remember him?), and friends come up with the same toothy jeremiads over and over again? How 'baout that sneaky Scott McClellan? You don't think they come up with all that God Bless the U.S. of A moonshine all by themselves, do you? The trick is their high-tech Republican Spin Generator. Now you can make your own GOP spin in a few seconds with the same tool the right-wing pros use. Whether for a national TV interview, a commencement address at Bob Jones University, or the back room with the big boys, you can suit your speech to the audience. Who knows? You might even wind up in the Senate—or White House! Go ahead. Give it a spin!

We know you love your neighbor's wife and your neighbor's wife. We know you share the same concerns as all god-fearing and decent Americans. You want to be watching the war on TV just like the rest of us. You are a good American and want what's best for the country, like we do.

This war on terror is a perfect excuse to bomb the hell out of Saddam the right way, finally, or anyone else we don't like, and we know you'll support it with all your heart, no matter how long it takes, or how much it costs, because you are a Christian, God-fearing, white man.

The only way out of this situation is to bomb Iraq, then Somalia, then Tom Daschle, so that businesses can create new jobs for golfers like our buddies. But the bleeding heart Democrats are trying to take your hard-earned money and give it to their marijuana dealers instead of putting it in our pockets where it belongs. If you're a patriot and know that education is BAD you'll help us have you work for us at $6/hr with no benefits but we'll give you information to help with getting medicaid and welfare to help get our country back on its feet and keep us all safe.

Remember, if you want our country to be competitive and not be bombed by godless brown turbanheads, put the House and Senate back into the hands of the people who are insecure about their masculinity, who are illiterate, and who want to give you guns and as many guns and bullets as you can buy instead of feeding illegal Haitian immigrants who confuse your children. Remember friends, to save the good 'ol U.S. of A., vote goat in the next election!