by the Dishonorable Chief Justice of Alabama Roy Moore, as channeled by Chris Wanbli, DMY Columnist, 10-7-0-3

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Dear God,

Please hear your humble servants, in our time of dire need. Please do all of us God-fearing fundamentalist Christians but one small favor, in your great name?

Please, dear Lord, Kindly incinerate every last copy of the constitution—especially the original. Boy, all of us down here in Alabama, and everywhere along the blessed Bible belt sure would appreciate that. After all, if the constitution truly says that your Holy Ten Commandments must be hauled away just because not everyone wants to listen to me, your humble crusader and press hound and be as free from sin and evil as I am, then we bible-bound believers will have to do everything in our power to make sure that it doesn’t get in your way any more. Of course, this is not about religion, of course, of course, it’s about YOU, o Lord. Please protect my flock of followers from them damn liberal scum and their dastardly propaganda!

Dear Lord, I beg thee to damn unto hellfire for all eternity the American civil Liberties Union and them damn ‘Americans United’ pinko commie bastards that say that the Ten Commandments specify a particular religion! I don’t get it! Are they just stupid? Don’t they know that even the friggin’ Jews obey those two big tablets too? Hell, even them moron orthodox Catholics in commie Russia follow the same ten laws you created for all human beings down here on this awful planet of pestilence.

Anyway o Lord, we humbly invite everybody to come on down and convert anytime they like, in your holy name! Do I hear an AMEN! Do I hear an Alleluia! Please, Lord Almighty, please spare those that don’t believe the same view we do. It’s not their fault if they are misguided by Satan! I mean, we do like them Buddhists y’know, with their orange robes an’ all. In fact, we find them kinda cute, to be honest. O Lord, they’re welcome to mosey on down here from China or wherever the hell they’re from an’ help us support our freedom of religion anytime they like. They’ll see the light of your rapture soon enough.

However, Lord, I humbly ask that you bless us in our effort to hunt down all them damn evil, diaper-headed Islamic bastards that need to be rounded up and hung. After all, dear Lordy, We All know that it was their intolerance and Jealousy of our Great American Way that made them kill all them Yankee New Yorkers two years back! And Please bless my friend, Jerry Falwell who was sure smart to recognize such a vile and wicked religion—and the fact that they were the instruments of the ACLU and homsexuals.

And Of course them evil, evil Wiccans and godless heathen pagan agnostics and atheists have just got to disappear too, if ya know what I mean, God. I’m winkin’ God. You catch that? I’m winkin’! To quote my hero, the very president appointed by you, yerself, George W. Bush, “You’re Next!” Nature-based religion! I’ve never heard of anything so gawd, um, I mean guldurn heathenistic and ridiculous! If they don’t like the way we serve up religion, then I’ve got two words for ‘em: Burned at the damn stake!
Well Lord, I don’t mean to take up too much more of your precious time. If you could just in your infinite wisdom and grace, incinerate every copy of the constitution and cast all those who believe in that awful wall between our church and my state down into the hellfire, I’d sure appreciate it.

Oh—and I pray for all those other so-called ‘Christian’ groups too, especially them homosexual-lovin’ Episcopalians. Maybe someday they’ll be as free from sin and enlightened as we are here in Alabama and all of your united states. In your holy name and my blessed high standing, Amen.

Sincerely,

Roy ‘Bubba’ Moore