May 12th, 2004
Editor Awoh T. Tocs
An exclusive scoop from our correspondent in
Jerusalem
By: Shadrach Meshach Abednego.
Today
the Knesset announced that they give up and that the State of Israel is
now dissolved.
“We have mistreated and terrorized the Palestinians too long. We
have acted with malice and prejudice and racism. We have denied the Palestinians
education and healthcare. We have kept to ourselves the 21st century technology
while keeping them in tents. We have murdered in the name of our Lord.
We were wrong and we ask for forgiveness”.
An Israel defense minister was quoted as saying, “Our fighter jets will be sunk in the ocean. We have no swords to beat into plough-shares; however we have made a deal with Japan in which our guns will be melted down and made into little toy cars”.
One Likud party member said, “The Palestinians can go live wherever they want. I am tired of this war so I am going to open a bakery and sell whole-wheat challah bread; I say forget the Atkins diet, go for the carbs. I also make a sweetest noodle kugel you ever ate. I say to the Palestinians, come to my bakery I make you a good deal.”
Investment banker Ira Cohen said, “You know,
with no state government there will be no taxes. I foresee this becoming
the world’s greatest tax shelter. See my website, TaxesforPutzs.com.”
The
Palestine Islamic Jihad responded, those Israelis are devious infidels.
If Israel ceases to exist then there would be no need for the Jihad. We
would then cease to exist. What are we going to do with all these explosives
we have sitting around the camps. Our founder, Shiqaqi, told us to never
stop fighting, so we must continue to fight. We are not going to let these
Jews walk away from a fight.
A Hamas spokesman said, “They think they have finally found a way to eliminate us, but no! We demand that they rescind the act of dissolution”.
A Gaza Muslim cleric said the rewards the Martyrdom
(Shahid) are now denied to us.
A martyr is absolved of all his sins;
he finds his seat in heaven;
he is spared the tortures of the eternal grave and the horrors of judgment
day;
he is married to 70 black eyed women;
he can then vouch for 70 of his family members to enter paradise;
he earns the crown of glory whose precious stone is worth this entire
world.
All these prizes they have taken away from us.
An angry teenager on the street stated: “I was issued a fatwah to kill Israelis; if there are no Israelis to kill then I will have failed my mission. They ask us for forgiveness, Never! The Intifada must continue”. His father laughed at him and said. “Maybe now I can get my job back at the shoe factory”
One Hezbollah militant said, I just bought a new gun and now there is no one to kill, I have wasted my money.
The Palestinian Authority issued this statement:
“We have young men who have trained all their lives to fight and
die. Dying in the battle is their life. Now what are these men going to
do? They have no skills except to kill or be killed. Those Jewish leaders
show great disrespect to these men by denying them their trade and occupations.
We see this as a human rights violation. Since there is no longer a formal
state of Israel we are unable ask for sanctions by the UN. This is politics
at its trickiest, never in the history of the world have any politicians
stooped this low. This dissolution cannot stand. We must formally maintain
that we do not recognize the abandonment of the State of Israel, in our
eyes the State of Israel still exists”.
President for Life George Bush said he would appoint a blue ribbon committee to study the issue.
Shadrach Meshach Abednego is author of the play:
Gaza on Fire or There’s a Hot Time in the ol’ Town Tonight;
playing this summer at the Pocono Artist’s Theatre
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