March 9th, 2004
Editor Awoh T. Tocs
Homeland Security Department Issues
New Terrorist Threat
The Amish were declared a high terrorist threat today. An agency spokesman
stated, "they have no telephones to tap, they do not use computers
so their browsers and e-mail cannot be tracked, they do not use ATMs and
they often barter rather than using traceable bank transactions. Their
lack of electric utilities limits the use of any surveillance cameras.
Our inability to monitor their private affairs forces us to consider them
at an extremely high risk for subversive activities. We are currently
concerned about the Intercourse Pennsylvania synod, whoever would chose
to live in a town with that kind of name has to be up to something no
good". 
The Amish community is concerned, Eustace Yoder said, "Ya, they showed
up a couple of months ago, sneaking around the fields and scaring the
livestock into conniptions. They installed those computerized voting machines
once they figured out this town often votes Democratic. Now lots of folks
around here just won't use a new fangled voting contraption so they just
can't vote no more.
An agency spokesman replied, "They just need to join the 21st century".
Cows under surveillance
National Guard Units Set to Go to
Rome
After military interventions in Afghanistan, Iraq, Liberia and Haiti the
Bush White House announced today its plan to send troops to what is essentially
the world's smallest country, Vatican City. The impetus to for the troop
assistance comes after failure of White House lobbying efforts to paint
over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A press spokesman explained, "In
one section God and Adam are about to touch and both are nearly naked,
and you know what that means. Besides it is a Catholic church and the
Catholics really aren't Christians like the rest of us". National
Guard corporal, Otis "Tater" Bocephus, said, "If they had
pictures of naked homos in my momma's church she would just faint."
The Airport Transportation Board Announces New Security
Protocols
In continuing efforts to improve the efficiency of personal body searches
and speed up waiting lines at airports, engineers have developed a new
security machine based on mammogram technology. Inventor and lead engineer
Lester Poindexter said, "You just squeeze on through and if you have
a box-cutter hidden in your buttocks we will find it".
Justice Department Issues New Regulations on Enforcing
Indecency Laws
Following the Janet Jackson Super Bowl debauchery the Justice Department
has issued new guidelines on how it will interpret indecency laws. "We
need to protect our children from seeing such pornography and nudity.
Therefore to shield our child from other potential nudity calamities all
breast feeding is now banned. This includes not only public breast feeding
but all private breast feeding will be banned because small children and
infants should not see breasts as they are pornographic".
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
