Confidential Campaign Strategies for 2004
Editor Awoh T. Tocs
No Child Left Behind
The goal of No child Left Behind is the transfer
of money from ghetto schools to rich white kid schools where the money
belongs. We have been paying for these
low-lifes too long. Now the law says all children are not only entitled
to an education but they “must” be educated this is called
“compulsatory education”. This is an example of entitlements
gone berserk. Compulsatory does not sound like freedom to us. The way
we have it set up is to have ghetto kids with a dad in jail and a mom
on drugs to compete with a kid whose both parents are college professors.
When the ghetto kid scores poorly on our specially designed tests we take
our money away from the poor kid’s school and give it to the rich
kid, then we blame it on the ghetto kid’s teachers. We make these
culturally biased tests harder and harder each year until only the very
elite, superior students can pass the tests and each year more and more
money gets concentrated on the privileged few; as it should be.
The Government Debt
The goal of government debt is the transfer of money from the middle class to the wealthy. When state, local and other governments need money they can raise taxes or they can issue bonds. Government bonds are purchased primarily by rich people so it transfers middle class money to the rich and returns rich folks their tax money back to them where it belongs. If you use tax money to pay for government the citizen pays for the cost of the program. If you use debt the citizen pays for the program and the interest. The interest eats up funds that could be going to social programs. This is called “Starving the Beast”. If a Democrat gets elected in the future there will be little to no money left for social programs because so much is going to pay down the debt; and the money for the debt bonds, which as we noted before, is going to the rich guys.
War Related Campaign Strategies
We could use another big Iraqi bombing just before the election. Now we can’t just bomb US troops in order to get George re-elected. Believe us, we thought about that but not everyone can be trusted to keep secrets. So it will be up to the Iraqis or other terrorists to carry out this major bombing. Our plan is to announce in Iraq that we found a major cache of former Iraqi military explosives and announce where and when we are going to move it. We will transport it with minimal military protection and security. We will tell the troops that we are trying to be inconspicuous with no security. Then we just hope that the terrorist will do their part so ol’ George can get re-election and the Republicans can increase their grip on power.
We are trying to get someone to plant or house some WMDs so we can get a big find just before the election, but we just can’t seem to get any cooperation on the ground. We are trying to get some Pakistanis to sell nuclear material to an arms dealer from Sudan who has Iraqi contacts. But the Pakistanis just don’t seem to trust us.
How to Stop Kerry
If you rearrange the letters John Kerry you get Horny Jerk. We already had a horny jerk for president. We need to keep presenting that Kerry is just a puppet for Hillary. Whenever the Clintons have a Democratic fund raiser we will point out who is really in charge of the Democrats.
We have done an excellent job of marketing George Bush as a Texas cowboy even though he is from Connecticut and went to Yale. George is East Coast Ivy League all the way but we have managed to get everyone to believe he is a good ol’ boy. We should have lots of photo shoots at the University of Texas and make sure lots of picture of George with Texas school logos are released. We should make all his formal campaign photos with his Texas ranch as the backdrop. We must talk about the sanctity of the Bush “homestead” even though we didn’t even build the photo-op ranch until 2000. Now we just have to do the opposite with Kerry. We have to be careful since Kerry went to Yale also and they were both in Skull and Bones. His wife is really rich, so we have to present Kerry as a spoiled rich kid. Since he is now associated with the Heinz fortune we need to make vague statements about Heinz-Germany-Iraq war obstructionists. We need bumper sticker that say:
“Kerry just can’t ketchup with Bush”
How to Pay Back Our Buddies in the Oil Business
The National Republican Chemical Research Project has been working on a new gasoline formula. This formula gets fewer miles to the gallon so consumers will have to buy more gas; kinda like watering down the drinks in a bar. We plan on calling it the “Healthy Environment Gasoline” which we will charge more for per gallon. Now an individual gallon would pollute less but you have to use twice as many gallons so the pollution really stays the same. Oh, being a Republican is just too much fun.
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