January 12th, 2004
Editor Awoh T. Tocs
John Ashcroft, newly appointed Secretary of the Ministry Vengeance, announced today in a special ceremony that the Statue of Liberty will be dismantled. Mr. Ashcroft stated in his speech on Ellis Island today, “This graven image was forced upon us by France and since France is an enemy state, it sends the wrong message to the youth of American to continue to keep it. This idol is made of all copper and it could be used as some sort of radio transceiver to spy on the USA, besides it is a naked woman in a sheet, that’s just indecent.”
Republican Charlton Heston viewing the Statue of Liberty
So
we can further understand our rights and appreciate his protection on
this day of Liberty today we asked Secretary John Ashcroft to explain
the Bill of Rights to us.
Amendment I: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
As you can plainly see it only mentions “Congress” this means Presidential Executive Orders and Department of Justice or Ministry Edicts should be implemented when limitations are necessary. It makes me fondly recall that now famous Bush quote, “There ought to be limits to freedom”.
Amendment II: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
This states that guns and a militia are not just a right but necessary; therefore “all” citizens will be armed and conscripted in to service as militia members. As a matter of fact, the French copper idol will melted down and made into special edition bullets. To get a special edition bullet for your gun go to www.endlessbullets-johnwaynegun.com.
Amendment III: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Currently we are at war and it is policy and our guiding principle that we will continue to be at war for as long as possible. Therefore, I resolve to have all private homes inspected to determine their usability for service in the war on terror
Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Well this is an easy one to understand; the amendment clearly states “unreasonable searches” and “probable cause”. I, as the Secretary of the Ministry of Vengeance, believe it is entirely “reasonable” to search everyone’s house and effects during this time of war as it is “probable” that some house somewhere is housing terrorists.
Amendment V: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
If you recall Amendment II requires all citizens to be militia members. This amendment does not apply to militia members during time of war nor to anyone else during times of public danger; therefore this amendment is currently not in effect.
Amendment VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
The right to a speedy trial is one I have been trying to improve for years. I can’t think of a single case that cannot be decided in less than an hour. Just book-em, try-em and lock-em up; that’s my objective. I want it set up so you go to jury duty, convict eight cases that day and go home.
Amendment VII: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
This amendment is rarely enforced. Corporations are always getting sued for more than twenty dollars, but when they win their case, the liberal trial lawyers always manage to get the facts of case reexamined in a higher appeals court. This practice will soon stop and this law will be enforced as intended.
Amendment VIII: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Of course with inflation, the term “excessive” will vary with the economy. Since the economy is currently booming, bails will of course, be very high.
Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Now some people will say this means we can’t make an amendment to prevent gays from marrying as it will be denying them a retained right, but gay marriage is not a right but a sin, so it can be denied in the Constitution.
Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
The “powers of the people” means, for example, you have the power to buy an Escalade SUV or an Expedition SUV. The government will not make that decision for you; you must make that decision on your own.
Thank you, Mr. Ashcroft.
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