January 12th, 2004
Editor Awoh T. Tocs
OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH BIG DADDY WARBUCKS
It's
Big D! Check out his bling-bling!
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Mr. Warbucks, I am ever so eager to get in on some of the war-bucks money, how do I do it?
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Well it is easy. First move your multi-national company off-shore so you won't be subjected to liberal taxes and excessive left-wing regulations. Then set up seven overlapping series of shell companies each with its' own stock. Next sell 49% of the stock in company A to company B for twice its value. Sell 49% of stock B to company C and continue down the line till you get back to stock A. Now company A has increased its value 14 times; using the value of company A as collateral get a banking loan and then make a contribution to the Republican National Committee. Your income from the government contract will pay off the loan and leave you with a nice profit.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Golly gee, Mr. Warbucks I surely don't have my own company.
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Well just ask your mummie to clip a few coupons or have daddy sell an extra mansion or two, so you can start your own company. I am glad the youth of today is interested in business.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: But I don't have any parents, I am an orphan.
Big-Daddy Warbucks: I've heard about those. Are you a foundling or a waif?
Lil'Orfa Nanny: I'm not sure I understand. How can I make money here at home in the United States.
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Well the way to make money today is not with capitalism and good production but by stock manipulation. First, examine your company's resources and production capacity. Then start buying stuff like crazy, triple investment in R&D. Get rid of your basic PCs and buy everyone upgraded Athlon systems with Linux operating systems. Buy new gonkulators and widget-makers.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: New gonkulators?
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Buy so much stuff that your profits start to fall and your stock value plummets. Once the stock has lost 66% of its value then you buy as much stock as you can; even mortgage your house. Refuse this year's salary and take it in stock only. Make a public announcement that you bought so much stock because you believe in this company and its' people even though times are really tough; then lay-off a bunch of workers.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Oh dear me, I don't think I could do that.
Big-Daddy Warbucks: I know it doesn't make much sense, but every time you make an announcement that you are going to lay off workers your stock goes up. After about four or five months quietly start hiring them back. Sure some of them will have lost their houses, cars or even got divorced; but that is their problem not yours. Now that you have a full crew and brand new equipment profits will start pouring in like rain. With profits up the stock value will go up even more. When the price is 33% of its original value then sell it off. Make a big public announcement with tears in your eyes about how the workers did it, and allowed you to buy back your family home.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Well my, my; let us change the subject shall we. What do you do for fun?
Big-Daddy Warbucks: I like to kill small animals. Why just before Christmas, me and my buddies went up hunting in Pennsylvania and shot over 400 birds in a single day.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Gosh darn, you must have food stored up for days.
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Nah, I really don't like the taste of pheasant.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: Then you donated them to the local soup kitchen or homeless shelter?
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Me donate to some homeless bums? Hah, I'm the one protecting them from the terrorists; they ought to donate something to me.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: But they would never be able to donate anything to you.
Big-Daddy
Warbucks: Well, you see my point then.
Lil'Orfa Nanny: How are you and Mr. George W. Bush getting along?
Big-Daddy Warbucks: Well ol' Dubya is quite a prankster. The other day he handed me a pen and then shouted, "Dick there's bug on your head". Well, I touched scalp and couldn't move my fingers. The old goat had put glue on the pen.
Lil’Orfa Nanny is a contributing writer to the Republican Monitor. She is the author of the book How Poor Children are Bankrupting the HMO’s
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