by Jonathan Hershfield, 9-7-03 See All of Hershfield's Archives Here

Discuss this in our online forums

Film star Arnold Schwarzenegger is a living paradox. Two direct polar opposites occupying the same space, with a future that can only mean chaos and destruction.

Recently, not unlike most of California's residents, he announced his candidacy for governor. How one can even run for governor when the robber barons have yet to unseat the one we already have is still up for debate. But the irrelevance of accepted law aside, this particular candidate has kept at least one of my eyebrows raised for record time.

First, he showed up to pay his $3,500 fee and process his paperwork for candidacy in a sleek black HUMMER. This is a car that gets six miles to the gallon. California is an environmentally concerned state with a serious automobile related smog problem. Not to mention that the nation is throwing FIRE around the globe to secure American corporate rights to rapidly depleting fossil fuel resources. What else can be said? Six miles to the gallon.

Next, Mr. Schwarzenegger is a Republican. This is a party with a platform that is consistently anti-Hollywood (with the exception of the Pentagon financing the occasional war film). And Schwarzenegger is not just any actor, but one who specializes in the sensationalization of gore and gun violence, which the Republican Party (as well as closet-republican Joseph Lieberman) greatly wishes to censor.

Schwarzenegger makes much of his immigrant past, an important issue for California considering how much of our labor force is made up of immigrants. Yet the party with which he chooses to affiliate is virulently anti-immigrant. Ok, let's be fair… maybe they just don't like Mexicans.

Schwarzenegger is a big fan of Howard Jarvis - champion in asking the government for more services with less revenue, making sure rich people don't pay high property taxes. He keeps telling us we're overtaxed, but I doubt he is. And statistically speaking, California's on par with the rest of the country (we actually place 36th in property taxes) - we just have a unique management style.

He says he won't cater to special interests because he's so rich he doesn't need their money. He loves to talk about how he's the highest paid entertainer in Hollywood (higher than Gary Coleman even!) and could one day have enough to "buy Austria". How quaint. When will someone remind him that it's not his money he'll be spending in Sacramento? It's ours.

Now many people are quick to say that electing an actor is a precedent already set by Ronald Reagan (and we all saw how well that worked out for the country). But, and I never thought I'd be promoting "trickle-down-syndrome" Reagan's credentials, at least that actor was president of a large union and was actively involved in politics before he became governor of California. Aside from pushing one education proposition, Schwarzenegger has nothing more than prepaid face time.

So taking Jesse Ventura into account, does this mean two of our fifty states will be run by cast members from The Running Man? Where's Yaphet Kotto stand on the issue? Maria Conchita Alonso? The American people want to know. Well, at least we can rest assured he'll never become president. Not unless the constitution changes. Can't think of anyone who'd do something like THAT!

But what irritates me the most about Mr. Schwarzenegger is his paradoxical liberal policies. He's pro gay marriage, medical marijuana, women's right to choose, etc. - y'know, everything the Republican Party fights against. This is a SCAM. This is a plot to use important liberal issues to trick the residents of California into electing a Republican as governor. With a repub in what should be the most progressive state in the country, it can sway enough of the feeble minded to throw a ton of electoral points at George W. Bush. He may get elected FOR REAL this time and Schwarzenegger will be the rat.

Drugs and group sex, you don't say? Well, this is a complete shock to me - the idea that a rich muscle-bound movie star would enjoy puffing the good herb and getting blown by several attractive non-committal women at the same time. If there's one thing this ACTUAL POLITICAL STUNTMAN is, it's unpredictable. How much better qualified for public office.

Mr. Schwarzenegger (good lord I wish I could type without looking at the keys) was noticeably absent from the televised debate the other day. With 4% in the opinion polls candidates were allowed to state their positions. If you recall, the republicrats raised the poll requirement to keep third parties out of televised debates in 2000. Bustamante of the Davis machine was there. Clever yet annoying observationalist, Ariana Huffington was there. Common sense candidate who will never win, Peter Camejo was there. Well-demeanored yet totally uninformed Peter Uuberoth was there. And, of course, crazy right-wing nutbag, Tom McClintock was there. So why would Arnold want to miss out on this great opportunity? Could it be that he's incapable of answering questions live? Might he be totally unqualified for the job? Might he be better suited playing a black woman in a Merchant/Ivory film?

Seems to me avoiding reality is the best chance any of us have.