Now This is REALLY Gay
Like, totally.

Jonathan Hershfield, DMY Columnist 8-5-03 See All of Hershfield's Archives Here

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As if in response to the rogue Canadian regime's legalizaton of same-sex marriage, our beer-less leader once again stands up for the little guy—the Catholic Church. Both Bush and the Vatican got down on their knees recently to deliver a dual blow to Pet Shop Boys fans all over America.

Bush said recently, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage," later commenting that the reality tv shows "Married by America" and "Who Wants to Fuck a Millionaire?" were absolutely fabulous.

So as not to enrage the homosexuals, who, let's face it, are often known to be raging homosexuals, the president urged Americans not to treat gays as if they were black or Mexican. As he is only capable of speaking eloquently when quoting from the Koran—I mean the Bible—Bush said, "I am mindful that we're all sinners, and I caution those who may try to take the speck out of the neighbor's eye when they got a log [up] their own."

Speaking of sin, this is the same man who recently assumed responsibility for pretending to tell the truth about Saddam Hussein's quest for nuclear materials so as to sway public opinion to support his illegal invasion of Iraq which is causing the death of at least one American soldier a day.

Imitation democrat Tom Daschle pointed out that the federal definition of marriage identifies it only as a union between man and woman and that the word "spouse" refers only to a member of the opposite sex. Therefore, federal code already adequately discriminates against gays and no change in the law to further put them in their place is necessary. An audible sigh of relief was heard from Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary.

The Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith said "homosexual acts go against the natural moral law". The Catholic Church shortly after pointed out the natural and holy magnetism between celibate men and young boys. In other recent news, thousands of child sex abuse cases were uncovered in the church system of the state of Massachusetts alone. Apparently still available to comment, Osama bin Laden issued this statement— "Daaaaamnnnn…. These people are fucking nuts!"

While continuing to offer special treatment to this international organized crime syndicate with an active pedophilia department, Bush is taking time away from spending taxpayer money on his upcoming campaign to ensure that America is safe from enamored same-sex couples filing joint tax returns.

So why is this happening now? With another tumorous election fattening itself over the horizon, the American political system must rely on non-issues to divide the public. For example, while Canada and much of Europe has come to a decision on abortion rights, capital punishment, drug prohibition and gay marriage, the US government clings to these issues.

American politicians know that American voters don't choose their candidates based on foreign policy, for example. It is quite possibly the most important issue upon which to choose national leadership. Not that anyone would notice, but it does seem to make the difference between international cooperative peacemaking and isolationist aggressive warmongering.

But if we focus on things that should be obvious, such as the right of any two adults to form a legal union and assume the legal responsibilities therein, we can trick the public into voting for a big-oil corporate-run political laughingstock… or a corporate-run big-oil political joke. Your decision.

Meanwhile, this country continues to claim the patent on "freedom" even as it falls steadily behind the times.

[ Editor's Note: I would like to point out that in cheerier news, right after we posted this column, the Episcopal church (while not the Vatican) is acting very differently, at least in parts. At the General Convention in Minneapolis, they have been in the process of confirming Gene Robinson as Bishop of New Hampshire. When allegations of sexual misconduct were made, the vote was postponed while a thorough investigation was made. All the charges were reviewed and Robinson entirely exonerated and he has now been approved as the first openly gay bishop in the Anglican Communion. I think anyone with a progressive mind and open heart can take comfort from the openness, honesty, and overall acceptance in the process. It makes me hopeful that Bush, the Vatican, and repressive, secretive, hateful prejudice masquerading as religion will not finally prevail. —Ian ]