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Oz, South of France The last sane corner of the earth, if you're cool enough |
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Looks like Johnny Depp finally made enough money off his hit pirate movie, this summer to "get the hell outta Dodge". He has finally, fully served oficial notice that; until this sicko, war-monger Country gets over it, and quits it's world domination trip, he ain't comin' back! He's movin' permanently to the South of France! The South of France! Johnny, just give me an address! I've been searchin' for years for that hidden, mystical place in the S.O.F., somewhere between Cannes, and Aix, and St. Topless, where you can actually live in peace, laissez faire, and tranquility. You can maintain an elevated state of mind. And, nobody will even throw rocks at you! Of course, only the TRULY COOL know exactly where the place is. I went looking for it once, back in the '70's. I followed the same route that Peter Sellers, David Niven, and five or six James Bonds have followed. I didn't have a Lamborghini. As a matter of fact, I had a Citreon Deux Chevaux. Well, that was O.K. I got to see more at 1/8th speed. A Deux Chevaux, just like mine, is what Peter Sellers was known for driving into various swimming pools, in the region. He was my childhood idol. It was my quest to catch up with him! Thus, I would also, soon gain access to the magic land of South of Franko-Oz! If ANYBODY knew where it was, Peter Sellers did! Well, O.K., some guys follow bullfighters. Bullfighters never did much for me, except for that lady bullfighter in the Almodovar movies. She's pretty hot. I followed Petter Sellers. I almost caught up with him while he was filming a "Pink Panther" film, in Cannes. But, he was too fast for me. I had to settle for Picasso. Obviously, nobody had ever told Picasso about the nearby, magical place in the South of France, 'cause he was still workin' his ass off. Nice guy, but, a talkative dude! One of those guys that always wants to tell you the meaning of life, and all that kinda stuff. Hieronymus Bosch was probably the first person to paint pictures of the place. You know, all those big flowers, and people sticking medieval screwdrivers up each other's butts, and all. As an obvious clue as to what was to come, he put lots of Coneheads in his paintings, either that, or there were some pretty sadistic Pope guys around, back in those days. Nostradamus hung out down there, making predictions. He predicted that Dumbo would be appointed head hancho of the U.S.A., in December, 2000. He said it wouldn't be good! Pretty scary, huh? See, you just see things a lot clearer when you're down in the South of France. The Coneheads, from "Saturday Night Live" dropped several hints on finding your way to S.O.F. Nirvanaland. But, they weren't specific enough. I can't FIND IT, Johnny. You gotta help me! A few people think that maybe Jim's down there, instead of Tibet. Monet did some of his endless waterlilly stuff down there. Matisse painted the famed naked French women dancing around, down there (you know, that stupid kiddie song). One of my most vivid memories, from my Cote d'azur days, is of the perfectly tanned French soccer moms, cigarettes hanging from their lips, shades still in place; in their mono bikinis, pushing shopping carts down the seamingly endless aisles of the Casino Supermarket - French techo-pop playing lightly, overhead. Ah! Remember, the Moody Blues wrote a song about it: "Topless French housewives never reaching the end, Stuff that I've written never needing to send..."? Really, you seen two soccer moms, you seen 'em all. They just dress better on the French Riviera. And, they're LOTS thinner than the ones back here in "Gilbert Grapeland"! Michael Cain and Steve Martin made that funny movie down there, about the two guys who made a living Swartzeneggerizing women. I'll bet Michael Cain knows where it it! You'd have to pry Roger Moore or Sean Connery out of the Casino Royale, to get them to even notice WHERE they were. Pierce Brosnan seems just as obsessed with Russian spy ladies, as they were. Alll those films are useless. Hey, remember that Greek rock-climbing Honey they were after? She has a Deux Chevaux! She had lots of stuff! But, after all, I guess EVERYBODY'S got a right to their own version of what Nirvana's like! For the Japanese, everything looks like "Hello Kitty". For the Islamic terrorists, it's those 67 blonde virgin hooties waitin' up there in Allaland, with flowers everywhere, and waterfalls, and green meadows, and all that pretty stuff (not the nice blowing, bombed-out sandscapes they're used to, back home). For the Born-Agains here in our Noble Land, it's the 69 gothed-out virgin leather nuns, whips in hand, waiting up there in Raptureland. The main problem with THAT is that those TOO-MUCH-MAKEUP babes are supposed to STAY virgins throughout eternity! I guess you're supposed to just get off listening to Billy Graham, Dan Quale, and Rush Limbaugh sermons throughout eternity, or something. Jimmy Buffett mentions the South of France in several of his songs. I'm sure they let HIM in. He's French. There's the "Cage Aux Folles" gang, down there. But, they'd never talk to me (and I'm not real sure I'd want them to). Besides, the only thing they know about is "La plume du ma oncle". They couldn't tell you where "la jardine du mon tante" is, if their life depended on it. Down there, all this stuff that we have to live with here everyday, is seen for what it REALLY is: a long, black and white Spielberg film. Nixon, Hitler, Sharon, Stalin, George Wallace, Bush, Reagan, Kissenger, Ashcroft; it's ALL just "Shithook's List". Now, all that stuff's VERY real to the Fundamentalist Christian Born-Agains, up here in America and to the Fundamentalist Islamic Terrorists, over there in Saudi Arabia. Those fundamental-type folks see EVERYTHING in black and white, good and evil (i.e.:me good, you evil - it's all simple to simple minds, I guess). But, down there, everything's in color, and in TRUE perspective. Rapture Monkeys always remind me of "Bevis and Butthead". They see some place in some Islamic country being blown up on TV, arms and legs flying everywhere; and they're mumbling to themselves: "Cool! He, he, he, he, he, he, he! Just a closer walk with thee! He, he, he, he, he, he, he!" I think the reason they're so enamored with Dubya is 'cause they know he'll keep this "wars and rumors of wars" bullshit escalating till the whole world's blown to shit. You know: "Throw another $87 billion on THE FIRE, boys!" "Sure, Chief, no problem!". The Rature Freaks know that, that way, they can count on FINALLY gettin' beamed up to Ratureville, and those 69 hot, goth, patent leather nuns (no matter who blows who away). Beats their big hair lady on TV, I guess. The "Rapture Round-Up" hates "those pussy French faggots, that won't even fight against the Satan-worshipin' Infidel Arabs", anyway. Looks like Born-Again folks is "goin' up". Me, I'm headed South, the sooner, the better. They say Saddam might be hangin' out down there. The Pentagon's been publishing posters of Saddam in drag, just in case he's lookin' like that, these days (Le "Look Cage aux Folles"?). Really, this is no lie! It's to help our War on Terrorism, they say. It's "Your tax dollars at work." Or, maybe somebody in the Pentagon just likes "Le Look". Maybe Johnny Depp really DID find that eleventh door, or ninth gate, or whatever it was in that Polanski flick. Maybe Don Juan figured it all out, finally.' Could have been that blonde witch babe that clued him in. Anyway, Johnny, or anybody else down there, if you can read this, send me the address! This Country's about to blow itself to Kingdom Come (literally)! That's if all the other countries around the world that we've pissed off, don't do it for us, first. So, A.S.A.P., I want outta here! Let the Born-Again Rature-Nazis HAVE it! Last Bush Born-Again out, throw a match on it! Trust me, it'll blow! Maybe the Indians will get what's left, back. Maybe Johnny will come home, then. (c) 2003 Bill Bohannon. all rights reserved
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