Nuke Nigeria Now!
While we still have time!

by Bill Bohannon, 8-10-03 All of Bohannon's columns

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President Charles Taylor, of Liberia, has finally vacated that poor (no oil), war-torn African nation. He's taken asylum in near-by Nigeria.

WHAT A BREAK, America! This is an opportunity that we CAN'T afford to refuse! WE MUST NUKE NIGERIA NOW!

Why?

1. Charles Taylor is a BAD MAN! Bad men hang out with other BAD MEN. That's why his bad buddies gave him a nice place to stay in Nigeria, 'cause they're BAD too!

2. Nigeria sucks! It's almost as corrupt and poor as Liberia. The leaders are BAD!

3. NOBODY knows where Nigeria is! We could bomb this one off the map, and even the State Department wouldn't know the difference. Besides, it's in Africa(?).

4. It's overpopulated. A few well-placed nukes could do wonders for population control! Plus, it could save the drug companies BILLIONS on contributions they've been forced to make towards controlling AIDS in Africa!

5. NIGERIA'S GOT TONS OF OIL! This little invasion's a no-brainer. We don't even have to print up a deck of cards. They don't even HAVE an army (to speak of). It's an easy in-and-out, and, zip, zip, we've got the OIL! It's got better oil-tanker access than Iraq, 'cause it's on the coast (of Africa[?]). Besides, we've already got troops down there.

6. This will re-rekick-start the economy. Look, you know the drill by now. We go into some little country, beat the hell out of 'em, and our economy bounces back for a few months. Nigeria's the obvious next choice!

7. It'll help get "President" Bush's ratings back up! They've now slipped below where his Dad's were after HIS Iraqi war (and you KNOW what bad thing happened after that)! Plus, there was a 43% increase in job layoffs in July. It's not going to help when the workin' folks hear about that. So, come on, we've GOT TO help George W. Bush out again! Where's your patriotism? You don't want those "I told you so" peacenik wimps to look good now, do you?

8. Stop all that damn Nigerian spam once and for all.

America, call your Congressmen. Call your Clergyman (if you can get his attention for a minute). Tell them you want to see MO' BLOOD! Let's LIBERATE something! Get Charles Taylor before this GREAT opportunity passes! NUKE NICARAGUA NOW!