Fake Purses Fund Fatwas?
That "Fake Spade" could kill children in Iowa.
Don't buy it.

by Bill Bohannan, 7-23-03 All of Bohannon's columns

Discuss this in our online forums

CNN reported this week that authorities now believe that buying fake designer accessories from street vendors, may be considered an act of aiding terrorists.

You're about to receive that huge, hard-won $8 tax rebate from the government. Eight dollars is how much the average American, making $50,000 a year will get (Sure, if you make lots more than that, you'll get a TREMENDOUS amount more payback . But then, you DESERVE a tremendous amount more back!).

So, now that you've given up your retirement plans, and your personal freedom to the "Administration", for your $8 reward; how will you spend it? Well, if you're like millions of other Americans, you'll head for the streets of New York to buy an unlicensed, rip-off copy of a designer purse (about $8).

John Ashcroft, Tom Ridge, and, in fact, many others somewhere in the government warn you: If you buy a knock-off Gucci Bag (or other fake "designer" accessories), YOU may be buying an "AL QAEDA FAKA"!

Sources have learned that some of the Third World manufacturing plants that make these cheap copies of designer-label accessories, may be partially funded by terrorist organizations! Recently, Al Qaeda sympathizers (they had turbans on) were seen talking to leather producers in AFRICA. Leather is a leading component in unsanctioned purse production.

Beware, America! It seems that "The Axis of Evil" CAN make Weapons Of Mass Destruction out of a SILK PURSE! [at least they did last time around - ed]

Please heed your Uncle John's and his "Sidekick" Tom's (sorry, still no money for Tom's new department) warning: America, save your $8 (and the $8 you might get next year), and go to "Bloomie's" or "Needless Markup" etc., and buy a REAL Gucci Bag from a sanctioned retailer. Pay full price (no matter how much it costs)! Support America (and its allies??). You'll feel MUCH better, and you won't be helpin' out those swarthy little thieves who have OUR oil, and who keep shooting our poor soldiers!

Searching under "fake designer purse" on the Internet, we found:

• "You can't make a sow's ear out of a silk purse."
  
• "You can't always get what you want."
• "I can't get no satisfaction!"
• "Oh say can you see?"
• "InaGoccidavida!"
• "You can't make an Attorney General out of an advanced paranoiac."
• "You can't just create a Cabinet position for your good buddy, and then not even fund it."
• "Life, Liberty, and the PURSEsuit of happiness."
• "You can't judge a book by lookin' at the cover.
• "Why can't you see,
  That you've misjudged me,
  I may look like a farmer."

We wonder what kind of Designer Bag Uncle Johnie, will buy with his GREAT BIG refund. Cover those naked statues up, boys!