by Bill Bohannon, 2-4-04

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NOTES: We are looking through a living room window (near the bathroom) of Polyestes Correctas' villa. We observe the living room interior of Polyestes Correctas' lavish villa, as Polyestes and Emperior George W. Augustus Cesar II arrive laughing, kissing, drinking and giggling, through the front door on the far wall. George II still has his ten-gallon "Texas lid" on. His metals are jingling and clanking. Polyestes, fumbels with the keys while "fighting off" George II, and then drops the keys on a table and lights a lamp on the same table, by the door. The room slowly brightens. There is a balcony in the far corner of the living room. Cleo, Polyestes' cat is waiting for them.

POLYESTES CORRECTAS: Cleo, Cleo, come here, Baby! Did you miss me?

Cleo goes to Polyestes, rubs against her and mews. She hisses at George II.

POYLESTAS: Welcome, your Royal Boyareyouintroublenow to humble Bungalow Correctas! And, this beith Cleo. She's named after that former wife of yours, down there in Egypt, Cleopatra!

GEORGE II (looking around): Nice place ya got here, Polyestes.
Cleopatra? Oh that one! I had to get rid of her a long time ago. First, she put on a lot of weight. Then, she started hanging out with that weird Jacko guy. ' Never did like that one, always hangin' out with those kids and all! After that, she went and made a real asp of herself.

POLYESTAS: What becameth of that child of yours by the lady? Was not his name Cesarean?

GEORGE II: Oh, Cesarean? I had to give him a sector of Rome, real close by, where I could keep an eye on him. He's half Egyptian, and you KNOW what them Egyptians are like. You just can't trust those little varmits! I gave him that section down there by the Monica Linguinsky Woods.

POLYESTES: Oh, you meanith that area of Rome called the "C Section"?

GEORGE II: Yeah, that's it, down there by the forbidden Linguinsky Woods. Say, it's kinda near tha University. I hope them damn Aggies I sent to burn the University down again ain't settin' fire to it too! Aggies ain't NO good with fire!

POLYESTES: Sheep and fire DO seem to be their weakest points! Let's go out on the balcony and haveth a look, oh Great Horned One! (She throws open the French doors, and pulls George II by the hand out onto the balcony with her.There's a sweeping view of Rome.).
Look how the skys burnith red above Rome this night!

GEORGE II: Ah look, those dumb Aggie skinheads have done caught the whole damn University Area on fire again! Bet those intellectual assholes won't be botherin' ta vote NEXT time! They'll be too busy just rebuildin' their homes again! Ha, ha!
Then, they'll be wantin' more of our scarce government money ta help 'em rebuild. Pinchi Liberals!
Looks like the fire is gettin' kinda close to Cesarean's Section. Shit, he'll be wantin' more money, too.
Polyestes snuggles up to George II, pressing her beautiful body against his.

GEORGE II: Don't crease ma hat, Darlin'.
Ya know, ma good friend, and long-time spiritual advisor, Karl all my ducks in a Rove, has done all these experiments with Aggies. He's a rocket scientist, ya know? Anyway, he says that Aggies got some kinda human-like brain! He says that it's hard to trace it 'cuz they've been breedin' with all the barnyard animals fer so long now, that their DNA is all scrambled up together.
But, he says that all that rapin' and killin' they do when we sends 'em into Iraq or Egypt, or wherever we send 'em, is really 'cause they're just tryin' ta relate to all the new folks they meet there.You know, they's just tryin' ta be friendly. Tha only way they know how to relate is by rapin' an' killin', 'cause they's half-animal.

POLYESTES: Oh, come on now, Your Imperial Chockfullo'shit! You're tellin' me that all those guys in your army, burning and pillaging all those innocent people out there, all over the city, can actually THINK? Get real!
By the way, what's a "rocket scientist"?

GEORGE II: Karl all my ducks in a Rove is what's called a real rocket scientist. That means that he's so smart that he knows how ta get us all up there to that big red star, right there (pointing). That there's Mars, where they got LOTS of Hooties!

POLYESTES: What, pray tell are "Hooties"?

GEORGE II: Hooties? What are Hooties? Hooties is what we're goin' around liberatin' all these dumb little shithole countries for! Hooties are THE most important thing on this planet! THAT'S what Hooties are!

POLYESTES: I'll fetch thee a delicious, potent, aphrodisiac drink if you will explainith to me just what Hooties are.
She leans over and kisses him on his sweating, throbbing brow, then heads into the kitchen, to fix the drinks.

GEORGE II (throwing back his head, pulling his toga up and looking like a man with a vision): Well, you see, every one of those little diaper-heads that we kill over there in that sector on the other side of our new Israeli Wall, thinks that when he dies for Alla, or Buda, or Jesus, or one of them pagan gods; that he'll go straight up to some Nirvana in the clouds. He also believes there's gonna be these 67 blonde, virgin, gorgeous Hooties-babes, all built like brick villas, just waitin' for him up there!

POLYESTES (from the kitchen): I have heard of such a belief, among Islamic peoples, but not Budhists nor Christians.

GEORGE II: Well, who knows which kinda towel-head believes that stuff. They all look the same ta me. But, here's tha cool part, Darlin!
Hey, can you keep a secret?

POLYESTES (stirring the drinks): Oh, you can trust ME, Your Imperial Hooklineandsinker!

GEORGE: Well, that's what all these wars we been startin' on all these little countries over in the "sand sector", are all about. We been capturing the Hooties BEFORE they can get up there to Allaland to meet them dead towel-heads! See, it's the Hooties that collect the virgin olive oil, 'cause it can ONLY be collected by genuine, 100% pure blonde, totally virginal Hootie-babes. So, we've been raidin' all the old olive oil plantations, all over the Middle East, to get the Hooties before they can ascend up to Heaven!

POLYESTES (returning to the balcony, frothing drinks in hand): Here you go, Sugarbrain, drink up!
Isn't it supposed to be 57 instead of 67? And, where are you STORING all those beautiful Hooties you've "liberated"?

GEORGE II (Saluting her with his drink, and then starting to sip it): Well, we got about 3000 Hooties stored down in Guantanamo, 1000 locked up in the old Enronus Buliding in Houston and 2000 or so more runnin' around naked on Sardinia. And no, it's 67 Hooties. John Kerry's got the whole "57" thing sewn up.
Salute!

POLYESTES (returning the salute and pretending to sip the drink): Please, oh Great Onewithoutaclue, tell me what are you going to DO with all those many bodacious blonde Hooties you've captured? Employ them as spin doctors at the White Villa?

GEORGE II: Sweetheart, because you're such a fine young lass, and because I liked you tha moment I laid eyes on you, I'll tell you the whole story. It's a TRULY moving story. That's fer sure!
Once, when I was very young, my Daddy, Emperor George Orange Julius Caesar I, took me to the exalted heights of Mount Olympus. There, I met with the bearded Seers of old. They placed a great, and really expensive, blessing on my young Imperial head. Then, they gave me some righteous 'shrooms and told me that that night, I would have a dream, a magnificent dream! They said that I must follow the Vision in that dream to the ends of the Earth, and see it through to it's culmination! It was ma destiny!
George II stands up tall and straightens his ten gallon hat.

POLYESTES (intently): I'm holding my breath here! What, pray tell, was this wonderful dream?

GEORGE II: That wonderous night, long ago, I dreamed that I would establish a line of restaurants all across the world! They would serve your usual, basic hamburger menu, with beer, buffalo wings and fries. You know... They would be decorated in orange and white, ma favorite colors. But, they would have one uniquely fabulous thing about them that NO OTHER restaurant, with standard, run-of-the-mill, mediocre food could possibly have!
They would have these gorgeous blonde waitresses, clad in intriguing, carefully hand-torn white T-shirts, so as to expose their enormous breasts, and tight little orange gym shorts. There would be 67 of them per franchise, And, it will be called "HOOTIES"!!
Oh yeah, there'd be a owl on their T-shirts too, for some reason. What do ya think?

POYLESTES (Flabbergasted to the point of being almost speechless): That's it...? THAT'S the reason you sacked half the world, killed thousands of innocent women and children, plunged Rome into inescapable debt that our great-geart-great-great grandchildren don't have a prayer of paying off, turned the whole damn world against us and doomed the Republican Party into political obscurity forever?
THAT'S IT? THAT'S your whole dream?

GEORGE II (beaming proudly): Yeah, what do you think? Don't go tellin' nobody about it!

POLYESTES: What about all the olive oil that the Hooties were gathering? What about the orchards? What did you guys do with all that stuff?

GEORGE II: Oh, that shit? We just pour all the olive oil into the sand. We figure some future generation might find some kinda use for it. Man, that shit stinks!
The trees? We cut 'em all down and give them to our puppet dictator in Jerusalem, Sharon the Piggieman. He's usin' the wood ta build his new wall. See, it all gets recycled.

POLYESTES (slouching against the rail on the balcony): Your ex-wife, Cleopatra, she useth an asp, you say?

GEORGE II: Either that or a boa constrictor. I can't remember. Why?

POLYESTES (holding her stomach): I feelith a little sick. I think the fumes from the fires in the burning city must be getting to me.

GEORGE II: Well, I tell you what, Beautiful, why don't ya lead me to that Roman bath of yours, that you were tellin' me about. And, we'll fiddle around!

POLYESTES (slowly getting up): Fiddling around...yes, that DOES seem very apropos... while Rome burns.

____________________

NOTES: Publius and Furianus are at the front gates of "Villas Correctus con una Vista del Mar Estates". Furianus is carrying a large flask of wine. Publius is pounding on the gate, and shouting. The night sky is becoming quite red.

PUBLIUS: Deep Quote! Hey, Deep Quote! Open up! Open up! 'Tis us, your old friends from Sardinia, Publius and Furianus!
(to Furianus) Shit, I don't think he can hear us.

FURIANUS: The Hounds of The Basketcases barkith their brains out at us! Perhaps he will finally notice them, and come forth.
Boy, the damn Army's really outdoing itself tonight, isn't it?

PUBLIUS: Yeah, I sure hope the fire doesn't speadith to this sector!
Deep Quote! Deep Quote! Open up! 'Tis us...

DEEP QUOTE (approaching from afar): "Horses of war hath such fury upon my gate that it doth tremble like a small bark in the tempest of a raging sea!"
"Lo, what mystical beast throwith itself upon the pillars of Hades, for to gain entrance into that place from which all below but longith to escape?"

PUBLIUS: 'Tis him! He comes forth!
Deep Quote! Deep Quote! It's us, your old pals from the party in Sardinia...

DEEP QUOTE (Coming up to stand in front of them on the other side of the gate, arms folded, he speaks above the barking of the dogs.): "On this bleekest of nights that the gods have ravaged upon mere mortals, now standith before me but passing shadows, or perhaps mere illusions, brought forth by wines not of the vintage they reportith to be. They beckon unto me for their entrance, for their acceptance, into the world of mortal men. 'Tis I upon whom the gods have bestowed the dubious yoke of decision as to their true intentions. Doth these spirits bring unto man good, shining omens, or do they bringith those of some clandestine, unseen evil? Oh, But to shed this ponderous burden! But to wrench my being loose from this long moment of labored decision!"

FURIANUS: Cut the crap, Deep Quote, and open this gate!

DEEP QUOTE (immediately taking the keys from his tunic to open the gate): "Oh were it that all things in life were but as simple and forthright as these well-spoken words! Then all life would be but as a day in spring, when the world knows it's true, natural way, and hath not a thought of the confusion and compromise of far-off winter!"
Kicking the dogs aside, he unlocks the gates, letting them in. He then bows low and grins like a Cheshire Cat.

FURIANUS (hugging Deep Quote): You asshole! We could have been consumed with flames had we been forced to remain at your bidding a moment longer!

Deep Quote hugs both his friends, while leading them inside. He then, shuts and bolts the gates behind them.
DEEP QUOTE: "All creatures, lofty and base, must heed the call of all-present, all-consuming nature. Is he to be held to blame who can not hear the cries of his charge?"

PUBLIUS: You're saying that you were in the can, and you couldn't hear us, right?

DEEP QUOTE (grinning): "What tidings of joy or sorrow bringith the birds of spring in such an unjust time of year?"

FURIANUS: We live here now, Dude! We be Romans! We got our butts elected Senators from the St. Topless, Galatian Disctrict, kinda near where we went to college. Remember? The Cosa Nostra bumped off those two old fart Senators last Summer. Made it look like an accident.

DEEP QUOTE: "The paparazzi always bringith the tidings, but never the truth."

FURIANUS: Verily! Well, we bringith to thee two things this fiery night. One is a gift, contained in this flask.

DEEP QUOTE (smiling at the flask of wine): "Truth, wine and frienship are always rare, welcome and refreshing."

FURIANUS: The second beith a request that we believeth will be one your heart, if not your brain, can NOT refuse.

DEEP QUOTE: "I'm all ears."
They all begin to walk in the direction of Polyestes' villa.

PUBLIUS: Did ye not say that the most beautiful of all Rome's fair damsels liveth here, within the gates of your very own condominium development? A Polyestes Correctas?

FURIANUS: And, if we were to tell you that this very night she entertains the Chimp Emperor George II himself, in her bungalow in drunken revelery...?

DEEP QUOTE: "My ears have become as large as those of Hannibal's mount!"

PUBLIUS (bursting in, excitedly): Well, that's it, Dude! Polyestes Correctas is ballin' Emperor Dumbo in her condo right now, and we got to go take a look!

DEEP QUOTE (stopping abruptly and looking perturbed): "Are all of mankind's thoughts but one lowly thought? Are all desires of man but only those of all base animals? Doth not the soul EVER have it's say? Is all of man's striving for understanding and redemption but the flagellation of a restless mind; an exercise; a deviation; a means of marking time until the moment of pure hedonism comes at last?"

FURIANUS (trying to save the day): No, no, Deep Quote! We have ALSO learned (looking around to see if anyone is near enough to hear) that Polyestes planith to slip Georgie II some of her Happy Green Clean Mind Drink this very night! If she does, the dude is history!

DEEP QUOTE: "Well, there goes the neighborhood!"
"Doth thee think to play a god, and thus interfere with the inevitable consuming laws of Nature? Captain Kir-r-rk, we can-n-n not for-r-rget the Pr-r-rime Dir-r-rective!"

FURIANUS: Look, as for me, I wishith that they BOTH drink that damn drink, and depart for places more consumed with fire than even poor Rome beith now. In other words, I wouldn't piss on either one of them if their hearts caught on fire!

PUBLIUS: Yeah, me too. But, we don't plan to intervene with the workings of Roman high politics. Trust me, Dude!
But tellith me, how is it possible that that green slim shit could somehow affect Polyestes Correctas?

Deep Quote just looks at Publius and grins his grin.
DEEP QUOTE: "Time waits for no man. To tarry now is to be in less of a position than to have never entered the race at all. Make haste while Rome burns!"

FURIANUS: Let's hit it, guys! Hey, first give me a sip of that wine! I'm parched.

The three compadres pass the wine around briefly, then start towards Polyestes' villa again.
PUBLIUS: Looks like this play goith into an unprecedented fourth act to me. I thought all these Classical plays always only had three acts.

DEEP QUOTE: "The times they are a'changin'."

FURIANUS: Yeah, 'tis true. Besides, in these times, you got to"go with the flow". Plus, Emperor Dubya talks too much. He took up half the script, the old blowhard!

PUBLIUS: Yeah, you can say that again! Hell, we just got here, and we haven't even made it to Polyestes' pad yet. Hey, time's a waistin'. Let's get goin'!

DEEP QUOTE: "Surf's up!"

NOTES: The curtain falls. We can see the red glow of the spreading fire through the curtains.

(c) 2004 Bill Bohannon all rights reserved