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If You Have ANY of These Symptoms, See A Doctor! Top Ten Signs You May Be Suffering from STSBS (Severe Texas Shit-for-Brains Syndrome) |
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The Top Ten Signs That YOU May Be Suffering From Severe Texas Shit-For-Brains Syndrome!
9. Your church, The Fundamentalist Church of The Imminent Second Coming of Jeez-zus Christ, has just taken down the dusty old picture of Jesus from over the altar, and replaced it with a shiny new one of George W. Bush, in long white robes, with a halo. You KNOW it's true! 8. The Imperial Wizard of Wacko (Yankee spelling: Waco), Texas just took your whole "men's club", on a hunting trip in the First Primitive Hardshell Baptist Church Bus, into the swamps of Louisiana, to hunt the Cajun French. You brought back two prize trophies, and had them mounted. Next month, you're headed for Montreal! 7. You've moved out on your wife, Thelma Jean, and into the pigsty with your favorite little piggy, Anna Nicole. Your wife, Thelma Jean, is just TOO FAT! Besides, since (fellow Texan) Dr. Phil got on TV, her mind's completely gone, too. 6. You sent your daughter to Baylor Baptist School of Theology at Wacko, 'cause she loves to play the organ. You sent your son to Texas A&M 'cause he shows a real talent for animal husbandry, just like his old man! 5. You've written several letters to Laura Bush, to warn her that Conga Liza Rice stands MUCH too close to her husband. Conga Liza does seem to be having more and more of an influence on our President these days. Thank God that he still won't meet with the NAACP! 4. You believe that EVERYTHING the Bush Administration says is the Gospel Truth! All this horseshit coming out about the CIA having something to do with getting those Arab boys to fly into those Twin Towers in New York City, is just nonsense! Now, WHAT PERSONS connected with George W. Bush would have the MONEY, or for that matter, the CONTACTS in the CIA, to do such a thing? And WHY would they do it? It's just hogwash! And this stuff about Bush and that English guy, Blair, lying about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction; that's MORE liberal hogwash! 3. All those crop circles that are appearing all over the world? Well, they're signs from God that the world MUST return to the basic, fundamental, moral Christian Values that the good folk of Wacko, Texas live by EVERY day! Those basic, Christian, moral, Family Values are BEST personified in Texas' First Family, the George W. Bush Family, who live just outside of Wacko, on their ranch in Crawford. As everyone knows, the Heart and Soul of Wacko, as well as the Heart and Soul of ALL Texas is the Wacko Traffic Circle (the exact center of the universe). That's why God draws those crop circles all over the whole world; to remind ALL people, everywhere, of the fundamental good life of America's Most Moral, and, of course, Most Fundamentalist Christian City, Wacko, Texas! It's also a reminder that The Wacko Traffic Circle MUST be restored to the former beauty and glory that you remember from when you were a boy! 2. You believe that Martha Stewart, Barbara Striesand, The Dixie Chicks, and, ESPECIALLY, Hillary Clinton should be BURNED AT THE STAKE (they ARE witches, after all) on national television, in front of God, Ann Richards, and everybody! These women are THE GREATEST THREAT to what little moral strength is left in America today! Just look how they've castrated their poor husbands! We, as God-fearing Americans, can't have these Satan-worshipin' harlots running around, spreading evil, in Our Free Country! And the NUMBER ONE characteristic of True Texas Fundamentalist Thinking: 1. You have been COMMANDED to build the "Rapture Statue"! The Rapture Statue will be the World's Tallest (what a shocker) Statue of President George W. Bush. It will, of course, be located right in the middle of The Wacko Traffic Circle! It will be a statue so tall that He (our Great Leader) can easily see it from His Ranch, in Crawford (on a clear day, with both hands). This inspiring statue will portray our Great Leader with his right arm raised in a salute of triumph over Saddam Hussein's evildoer regime. In the Statue's other (non-right) arm, He will cradle stone tablets bearing The Twelve Commandments. It will be a colossus, rising FOREVER from the humble Texas plains, with a shopping mall, transcontinental truck stop, nuclear arsenal, and Fundamentalist Christian Assembly Hall and launching pad nestled in the Crown. It will, hopefully, be a fitting tribute to Texas' Greatest President! So, please, True Brothers and Sisters of Texas, and every other little part of the Free World, send your contributions - $5, $10, $25 - whatever you can spare for this noble Christian cause to: "May The Circle Be Upgraded" 5150 Broadway 145 San Antonio, Texas 78209 Makes your heart just want to sing about the GOOD ol' days, doesn't it? GOD BLESS TEXAS! (c) 2003 Bill Bohannon all rights reserved |
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With
all the articles coming out on the new theory that stupidity may be caused
by a genetic flaw in human DNA, we believe that it's time for EVERY American
to be made aware of a serious mental problem, long imbedded in the population
of North Central Texas: 
