by Bill Bohannon, 11-20-03

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One night, over Christmas break last year, we ended up in Junction, Texas. Junction is in the upper northwestern corner of the Texas Hill Country. It gets cold up there!

The town's not much. But, the setting is pretty. It's kinda majestic. The rolling hills become almost mountains around there, and the Llano River forms a fairly large canyon, right by the edge of town.

Anyway, the thing to do in Junction, Texas at that time of year, is to go get a sixteen pointer - a buck, a deer, a prize trophy to mount over your couch, so he can watch TV with you and your family, for the rest of your life.

That's what they all try to do. They drive their off-road vehicles from all over Texas, to hunt for Bambi in Junction. Now, most of the Hill Country is not particularly fascist. Sure, you've got your flag-wavers, and your "God Bless John Wayne, Phil Gramm, and George Bush" crowd in abundance (it IS the heart of Texas). But, considering that the Hill Country is 99.9% pure, certified, Texas redneck, stump-jumper, down-home, goat-ropers, it's really not as bad as you'd think.Then, there's Junction.

Downtown Junction, Texas consists mostly of motels, gas stations, the usual country cafes, and an assortment of Baptist churches and Churches of Christ. Typical small town Texas. What makes Junction unique are the flags. There are American flags EVERYWHERE! They're on EVERY window of EVERY motel, cafe, and gas station. They're hanging from EVERY telephone pole. They're strung across EVERY intersection. There are "God Bless John Wayne and Our American Troops!" signs EVERYWHERE. There's a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on EVERY bumper of EVERY pickup. There's at least one American flag decal on EVERY windshield.

There's one "foreign" restaurant in town. It's a Mexican-AMERICAN (in big letters) joint. It was closed. Looked like the family had just left Junction.

If you check into a motel in Junction, Texas, you won't get the overpowering aroma of curry up your nose, and you won't hear a blast of the Hindu Top 40, like anywhere else in Texas these days. There are NO folks LEFT in Junction, Texas that have ever SEEN a "live" turban (except through a gunsite, of course). The motels are run by good, original, downhome, Hill Country Redneck, God-fearin' AMERICANS. If there ever WERE any Indian or Pakistani folks running the motels in Junction, I'm sure they're also hangin' over somebody's couch, watchin' TV.

We checked in. Nice place. Clean, real clean! ' Big sign in the window: "AMERICAN OWNED AND RUN". The proprietor gave me a little American flag pin just for renting the room. I still have it on my jacket. I AM a proud American, and a proud Texan, believe it or not! I've also been huntin' a few times. I like to hunt sometimes.

Actually, I wanted to stay in the motel across the street. I still can't help but wonder what I'd have gotten if we'd checked into THAT place. They had a big picture of Britney Spears in one window (no flag in that one window in town). Strange.

Now, of course, try as one might, one just can't get an American flag to cover EVERY square inch of EVERY motel, and cafe, and church in town. So, the only solution for what to do with the vacant, uncoverable space is to paint dramatic, patriotic, meaningful murals in those few remaining areas. And, what would be the theme of those murals, you ask? THAT's where it gets interesting.

It's Redneck vs. Bambi, of course! And, what is Bambi wearing in EVERY mural? Why, a TURBAN, of course! Bambi is always depicted as sinister and evil. Bambi is always trying to escape the all-seeing eye of good, loyal-as-a-dog, redneck Texan (but failing, of course).

In one mural, we observe Bambi and his pals involved in a poker game with Redneck and his buddies. Everybody at the table is drunk and smoking cigars. Bambi, of course, is trying to cheat. But, Redneck's got his eye on him.

In all scenes, Bambi's the bad guy. Bambi looks like he would love to follow Redneck back to Live Oak Estates, and blow Redneck's suburban house off the map. Bambi SURELY has Weapons Of Mass Destruction hidden SOMEWHERE out in the woods, if good 'ol Redneck can only FIND them, and PROVE what a sinister little evildoer Bambi REALLY is! Bambi is a true MENACE to Hill Country life. BAMBI MUST DIE!

But, try as he will, year after year, Redneck just can't kill off Bambi. The system's pretty simple, really. The ranchers in the area around Junction (and all over Texas) lease out their land to hunters. The hunters flock in mass, to hunt Bambi. But, considering the amazing number of hunters blasting away at anything that moves (including other Rednecks) on the deer leases; dead, bloody Bambi, strapped onto a pick-up fender is still a fairly rare sight. Why?

Bambi is not IN the leased-out hunting areas where Redneck is blasting away. Bambi doesn't know much about deer population control, the psychological need for human males to escape their tedious existences and express their pent-up primal instincts out in the wild, Manifest Destiny, oil and water rights, the Monroe, Truman, or Bush Doctrines, Armageddon, Ramadan, Christmas, or turbans and burkas. Bambi just knows that, at this time of year, the woods are chuck-full of crazed, drunken, angry, dangerous Rednecks with trucks and GUNS! So, Bambi splits for the highway.

Drive down any country road near Junction, Texas about sunset, at this time of year, and you'll see hundreds of deer hanging out along the side of the road. Their eyes catch the glare of your headlights. They're waiting for it to get dark, so that Mighty Redneck Hunter will get cold and head back to the nice, warm cafes back in town, with the flags and murals all over them; to get drunk and rattle on for hours about how much he HATES Bambi (who he probably hasn't actually seen the whole frozen time he's been up there). He'll check out the waitress's big hair and talk about Anna Nicole Smith (while he's thinkin' about Britney Spears). Oh yeah, he LOVES the Cowboys and George Strait, and HATES the Dixie Chicks.

Has Bambi every actually run screaming through the woods, turban on his head, Iraqi (Palestinian[?]) flag wrapped around his body, nuclear bomb strapped to his ass, and blown himself up; yelling "Allah be praised! Halliburton sucks!"? They SAY he has. They say he'll do it again too, if we don't stop him.

What I think they ought to do, up around Junction, is fence off different large pastures in the shape of Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Iran etc. Then, send all the "trained killers" into, say, the "Iraq Field" this season. So, Bambi just jumps the fence into, say, "Syria Field" (with all his Weapons Of Mass Destruction, of course) for the season. Then, after the season is over, Bambi moves back into what's left of "Iraq Field". I mean, by MY way of irrational, leftist thinking, you GOT to give Bambi EVERY advantage, just to make it a fair fight. He doesn't HAVE any way to fight back! And, he sure don't have no Humvee!

I figure it wouldn't cost more than $87,000 per Field, per season, to do this. We could take it out of state taxes. No one would notice. Just THINK of the psychological and social problems it could SOLVE for BOTH Bambi AND Redneck! It might even really help our whole troubled nation! Well, just an idea.

Let's DO face one thing, though: No matter what else happens, Bambi's GOT to go. The bears, antelopes, horned toads, alligators, wolves, buffalo, and armadillos are all dead. Bambi's the only thing left that's still natural and free. You GOTTA get rid of that!

Wonder if Britney Spears ever DID really stay at that motel. You know, I think it's her eyes.

(c) 2003 Bill Bohannon all right reserved