| |
| |
 |
|
|
DEAR Gabby: My daughter has been dating
and now wants to marry a Big, Fat, Lying Drug Addict. His name is Rush
Limbaugh.
I don't like this Rush Limbaugh person! He NEVER tells the truth to anybody
about anything, and he's always strung out on SOME kind of drug! He just
lies around the house, and eats all the time. He even does pizza commercials!
The guy's a BUM! All he ever talks about is the LIBERALS, LIBERALS, LIBERALS,
the decaying morals in America, and killing infidels in Iraq. It's boring.
He's no Oprah, I can tell you that.
And half the time talking to strange characters on MY phone (I think,
maybe, buying drugs).
I think my daughter should be interested in someone her own age, and someone
who isn't around drugs and fatening food all the time. How should I tell
her to get her away from this worthless animal? --CONCERNED MOTHER NOT
INTO "THE RUSH"
DEAR NOT INTO THE RUSH: You should be ashamed of yourself!
First, you should turn off Oprah and listen to the REAL TRUTH from Rush
every day!
You daughter is on the right path and you SHOULD be too! Rush Limbaugh
is the Voice of Compassionate Conservatism in America and has been for
years. He and a few other great men in America, like our George W. Bush,
Evangelist Pat Robertson, and Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger are trying
to bring America back to God and Salvation and good old butt whoopin.
All these rumors about Mr. Limbaugh's "terrible" drug adiction are just
so much liberal media poppycock and should be completely ignored by all
TRUE Americans!
It sounds to me like you've got something to learn from your daughter:
the morals that you and your backsliding, peace-loving, welfare-abusing,
tree-hugging, commie faggot generation never taught their own kids!
Turn off your TV and go shopping for a wedding dress with your righteous
Daughter! By the way, when looking for that dress, I understand that Rush
Limbaugh's favorite color is "powder white." Carpe diem, Honey!
DEAR Gabby: On a recent visit to California, I was invited
to a very exclusive "Grope-in" by Governor-elect Arnold Schwartzenegger
himself! I was SO EXCITED that I changed all my plans, extended my trip
for three days, and burned all my clothes in the hotel lobby, just as
instructed by the Governor's staff.
Boy, was I GROPED! For three days, me and this other blonde lady, Jessica
Simpson, were groped so much that our breasts got calluses on them. WOW!
I felt REALLY honored to be a "Gropie" for Big Arnie! What a set of hands!
What a truly great guy!
So like right after "Groparama" ended, and the pictures and everything,
I flew back here to Des Moines,and waited right by the phone, just like
I was told. Governor Schwartznegger's personal agent told me that I could
COUNT on a call from Arnold's Hollywood studio to schedule me for a screen
test, within three days.
Only problem is, it's been almost two weeks now and I still haven't gotten
a call. My old boss, here in Des Moines fired me for not showin' up at
work 'cause I, like, can't leave my phone at home. But when he called
I said, "Haw, haw, you can't fire me 'cause I work for Arnold now! And
you can call me 'More Than A Mouthful Melinda', my new Holliwood Starlet
name!"
My question is, Miss Gabby, should I get the number for the studio, and
call them? Maybe the Agent just lost my number, or something. What do
you think? -- GROPED FOR GOD, COUNTRY, AND ARNOLD!, DES MOINES, IA
DEAR GROPED: Wait another couple of weeks, then call.
Arnold is a BUSY man right now! He's out there trying to do what's going
to make ALL California feel REALLY good, just like he did for you and
Jessica.
But let me say BRAVO! How many women are left in America who can even
UNDERSTAND the importance of being a warm, user-friendly Grope Object
for a sincere, honest, down-to-earth, true Gentleman like the new Governor
of the Golden Globes State? He just needs a normal and healthy tension
outlet at times, and you were smart enough to see it. I mean, really,
a man like that should not have to sit at home alone and find an outlet
in Oui or Bottoms or Hustler or anything.
Congratulations, Melinda! You have risen above the monotonous murmurings
of this futile feminist era! You have shown those unshaven Feminazis where
they can "stick it"! You have seen the normal, healthy, manly needs that
a good American Leader like Arnold Schwartzenegger has and have done the
RIGHT thing for him AND your Country.
Oh, for a million more like you!
DEAR Gabby: My seventeen year old son
suffers from major trauma sleep deprivation after having a full body cavity
search by the US Justice Department. He has horrible nightmares every
night. They're always about that John Ashcroft person, in a surgery gown,
hat, and mask, putting on rubber gloves and saying "Spread 'em wide, sonny."
He was on a fishing trip at some lake in New Hampshire with three of his
buddies last summer. They were in a boat night fishing, when suddenly
a bright light appeared out of the sky. Strange men in catatonic-like
trances wearing black suits, surgery masks, and carrying electronic cattle
prods appeared from this silver saucer-like airship.
These men never spoke. They just went to work groping and prodding the
boys, ALL over! They all looked exactly like that John Ashcroft guy on
TV that keeps talking about that Patriot Act thing. That guy scares me!
He looks like that Dr. Strangelove fellow in that old black and white
movie.
I keep trying to get my son to go to see a Doctor. But he always yells:
"No Doctors! No Doctors! Aaaaaaaaahhh!" Gabby, what should I do? -- NOT
SO MUCH FEELING PATRIOTIC, ITHACA, NY
DEAR NOT SO MUCH: Well, to start with, if you're not
feeling patriotic you're just not feeling AMERICAN!
John Ashcroft and his poor, overworked staff are traveling all over our
Great Nation doing these full body cavity searches for all of us! Do you
think that they ENJOY looking up young American body cavities? NO! But
SOMEBODY has to, don't they?
What if YOUR son or one of his friends was invited to the White House,
and what if there was an Terrorist listening device or even an Terrorist
explosive device, up HIS buttocks? How would you feel when you saw the
White House blown to smithereens on TV, because of your son?
Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
As far as those dreams go, I get letters from many others about that very
same dream all the time. Your son can take comfort in knowing he is not
alone. As a matter of fact, I have that dream too! Mine's just a little,
well, better.
In my dream, that cute Mr. Ashcroft is hiding under my bed. He crawls
out in his surgeon's outfit putting his gloves on very, very slowly. He
always says "How are we feeling tonight, Abigail? Have we been talking
to the WRONG people again? Do we have something we're hiding...somewhere?"
Shaking violently, I try to resist. But he's SO Patriotic and SO overpowering!
I cry: "Oh John, Big John, search me, probe me! Find the light at the
end of my tunnel!" He begins groping, probing EVERYWHERE. But then he
always stops suddenly because he hears someone else softly calling: "John,
John!". Then he always goes after the weight-lifter guy who lives down
the hall.
Anyway, enroll your son in one of the hundreds of Severe US Justice Department
Deep Body Cavity Search Sleep Deprivation Youth Support Groups (DBCSSDYSG)
springing up around the Country, or start one of your own. You might try
getting him an inflatable Jessica Simpson doll. They seem to have had
great luck with those. He'll be just fine, I'm sure. Good luck and GOD
BLESS AMERICA!
DEAR Gabby: My daughter was approached during Spring
Break in Daytona Beach by one Noelle Bush, Florida Governor Jeb Bush's
daughter. She wanted my daughter to buy some kind of illegal drugs for
her. She keeps calling my daughter every week and I'm afraid that Lucy,
my daughter, will go along with it or maybe even has already. That's because
she's so impressed that the Governor's daughter would call her.
Governor Bush's daughter, Noelle, told Lucy that she can no longer buy
the drugs because she's too "hot". She says she's being followed and watched
constantly by these guys in black suits that do full body cavity searches
and other strange things. Noelle says she's really frightened and hasn't
been able to sleep at night, for almost a year. She says that once, they
threw her in jail and "worked" on her.
I don't want my daughter involved in this. Noelle seems like a nice person
although she does have a rather negative attitude. But I say: "Let the
Bush family deal with their own drug problems. They've got enough money."
Listen Abby, lately this girl calls for Lucy every day. She says she'll
die if she doesn't get what she needs. Recently, I've been just hanging
up on her! Abby, what should I do? MOM WITH OLD FASHIONED HANG UPS, NEW
SMYRNA, FL
DEAR OLD FAHIONED, HUNG UP MOM: Old fashioned hang ups?
Boy, I'll say! You've got hang ups as old fashioned as Old Europe!
Listen, Noelle Bush is an upstanding, solid,
God-loving American, just like EVERYBODY ELSE in the beautiful Bush family,
God bless them all!
So she experimented with drugs once or twice or so! Wow, is that a common
thing in this liberal-infested country, or what? Of course the liberal
anti-Freedom Fighter media HAD to get hold of the story and blow it ALL
out of proportion like they ALWAYS do! The poor girl even had to spend
some time both in jail and rehab, I hear. Doesn't that just make you sick,
what they can do to a Great Family like the Bushes, that's just trying
to save this Great Nation from decades of liberal decadence? Besides,
crack cocaine never killed anybody.
I say you get hold of your daughter and tell her to CALL NOELLE right
now, or YOU call her, Mom. That poor girl has suffered ENOUGH! I happen
to know a great little place down in Coconut Grove, where she can get
all the help she REALLY needs. Tell that darlin' little girl to drop me
a line, and I'll be glad to give her directions.
Sometimes I can't help but wondering why people are so unkind to their
fellow Americans, when all they need is a little help!
Send your questions to DEAR BLGabby to be answered
in an upcoming column! DearGabby@DemocracyMeansYou.com
(c) 2003 Bill Bohannon all rights reserved
|
