by Bill Bohannon, 10-15-03

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October, 2004: Ted (Mary Lou's husband) slides into the booth at Wendy's. Mary Lou:, sitting across the table, is staring straight ahead, into space. In her hand, she's playing with a straw. The kids are in the restaurant's bathroom. Ted's face crosses in front of Mary Lou:'s gaze.

Ted: "So what did you think?"

Mary Lou: (coming back from her thoughts): "Think? Think about what? The service? Oh, it was very nice. What about you?"

Ted: "Well, you know, same ol' thing. Kinda stuffy. Guess you seen one church, you seen 'em all. What was that, a Methodist church?"

Mary Lou: "No, no, Baptist. It's supposed to be the progressive Baptist Church. Roxanne says it's where all the young, hip people, that are moving back into downtown, go."

Ted: "That lady with the blue hair, in front of us; she didn't look very hip, did she? Well, maybe the B-52's would have her, just for her hair, but..."

Clancy: (running up): "Daddy, can we go to Toy Town? It's real near this place, remember? Please, we want to see the new 'Ghetto Babies Video...'"

Ted: "It's Sunday. Sorry kid, it's not open today."

Clancy: "Yes it is! all toy stores are open all days except for Christmas Da..."

Mary Lou: "No, no, Honey. Downtown stores don't stay open on Sunday."

Clancy: "Yes they do! That's silly. Why wouldn't they?"

Mary Lou: "Because it's Sunday. I'll explain later. Go see what your sister's doing. Don't you two run off. The food's coming soon."

(To Ted:) "Well, I thought the sermon was very nice. You didn't?"

Ted: "Yeah, I would have if it didn't put me to sleep. I...no... No, I really didn't like that minister going on all about: 'God stand by our poor, under besieged great leader, George Bush, to help him lead the good fight against those infidel Muslims; and to save the children of Israel from Arab aggression', and all that stuff."

Mary Lou:"What's wrong with that? I thought you were for the war in Syria and Iraq, and those other two or three places? Anyway, are you anti-Bush, now? And, you don't like the Jews anymore? I thought you liked Bush. Aren't you going to vote for him?"

Ted: (not listening, off somewhere else) "Me, huh? No, no, I'm probably not going to vote."

Mary Lou: "What, have you joined the wild peace and free love crowd after work, at your new job, downtown, or something?"

Ted: "Mary Lou, what are you talking about? Look, first, it's just that I don't think the 'Nuke a gay towelhead for Baby Jesus!' stuff belongs in a church service. I mean, wasn't Jesus supposed to be for peace; for everybody being kind to their neighbor, and all that? And, come on, it's pretty obvious by now, that Bush lied about everything from the election onward. And, so did that Tony Blair guy, over in England.

And, no, of course I don't have anything against the Jews. It just looks like Israel's doing a pretty good job of defending itself, by itself, to me.

Honey, this country's going into an economic meltdown in a basket! They're keepin' it propped up, as best they can, till after the election. But, after that... I really hate to think!

We can't keep shipping all this money over to Afghanistan, and Egypt, and Israel, and Iraq, and everywhere! We're goin' broke!

They closed that Veterans' Hospital my Dad goes to, 'cause there's no money. One of the guys from work broke the thing-a-ma-gig that holds up the muffler on his car, 'cause he hit a big pothole, on the way home from work last week. They can't afford to keep the roads up anymore.

Oh, the Jews and the Arabs over there, they've got plenty of money, 'cause we're sending billions to them, every day! We're spending it on them, and the poor bastards still stuck over there in the Army, gettin' shot at every day. It's NUTS!"

Mary Lou: "I've been meaning to ask you why you always have to stay so late every night at work, now."

Ted: "I have a new job, remember? New job - work hard - impress boss - remember? It's not like the old days, Mary Lou."

Mary Lou: "Sara says she thinks that it's probably a bad gene that George Bush Jr. inherited from his father. The Bushes go to war in Iraq, then, they go broke."

Ted: "That's good. Maybe so. Well, whatever it is, we need to just get rid of that guy, and move on."

Loud Speaker: "Order nineteen. Number nineteen, your order's ready."

Ted: "Do you want to get it to go? I've got a lot to do today, back home."

Mary Lou: "You're always on that computer, nowadays! No, let's eat here. The kids'll just spill it all over the car."

Sally: "Mommy, Mommy, the order's ready! Aren't you going to get it?"

Mary Lou: "Yes, Sweetie. Your Daddy's going right now."

Later: They're in the kitchen of their house. The kids are upstairs.

Ted: (very seriously) "Mary Lou, there's something I wanted to tell you, earlier. I should have told you earlier."

Mary Lou: (worried): "Yes?"

Ted: "I...I had Tom McGuire come over and get Freddy and Tina while we were at the church service, this morning."

Mary Lou: (amazed): "No, no, no, no, no! You're lying. You couldn't have!

Mary Lou: (dashes out the door, into the back yard) The dogs!

Doggies! Doggies! My God, there's two dogs gone! No-o-o-o-o! No-o-o-o!"

She throws herself on the grass, face down. She begins pounding the ground, and sobbing loudly, out of control.

Ted (stunned, still in the kitchen): "Oh shit. Mary Lou!"

He goes out into the backyard and finds Mary Lou on the grass, digging a hole. The two remaining dogs have come over to her, and are standing near her, whimpering.

"Mary Lou, honey, we can't afford to feed four Rottweilers! Honey, we just don't have the money, anymore!"

Mary Lou: (sobbing uncontrollably): "I'll kill myself! I'll kill myself! That will save even more money! Why? How? How could you?"

Ted: (turning around) "Kids, back upstairs! Now! Or no Doom for you!"

The kids, in amazement, retreat into the house.

"God, Mary Lou, I love those dogs too! But, we just can't afford to feed them! We can barely feed ourselves!"

Ralph Woods, a next door neighbor, comes to the backyard fence, and stares at the scene, shocked speechless. They don't notice him.

Ted: "Mary Lou, don't you understand? We can't afford to support ourselves, and four big, big dogs, too. I don't have the job at Ford, anymore."

Mary Lou: (crying uncontrollably): "Why don't you sell the kids next? I'm sure they'll bring a good price! Two blond American babies? I'll bet some Arab sheik would pay millions of shekels for them!"

Ted: "Mary Lou! Mary Lou, stop it!"

Ralph Woods: "Excuse me. Do you want me to call 911?"

Ted: "No. No thanks, Ralph. Uh...everything's OK. Everything's fine."

Ralph Woods: "Oh, OK, then. Have a nice day."

Ralph leaves.

Two hours later: Ted has gotten Mary Lou upstairs into the bedroom, and slipped her two Xanax, saying they were an new type of aspirin. She's still crying intermittently. He's downstairs, phoning Sara.

John: (Sara's husband) answering the phone "'Hel-lo?"

Ted: "John."

John: "Hey, where were you yesterday? I called and called. Did you completely forget about the game - my house - just the guys - remember?"

Ted: "Sorry. Sorry, man. I was really busy, and I had to go to Home Depot..."

John: "Home Depot outranks your friends now, Ted?"

Ted: (preoccupied) "Yeah - no, no, no, never! John, listen, can you put Sara on? I got to speak to her."

John: "Yeah, might as well! You're obviously not interested in talking to me! (aside) Sara!"

John leaves the phone.

Ted: "No, no, man! That's not true... John, hello? Shit."

A long pause follows. Sara comes to the phone.

Sara: "Ted, what's up? How'd Mary Lou take it?"

Ted: "Not good. I've got her upstairs in bed, now. I gave her two of the Xanax that you gave me.

Listen, can you come over here? She says she wants to kill herself!

You can always talk to her. She just yells and throws stuff at me."

Sara: "Gee, I don't know, Ted. Does your insurance cover cosmetic surgery? Mary Lou can get pretty violent, as I remember."

Ted: "Please, Sara! I'm not foolin'! She's really taking this hard."

Sara: "Has she said she wants a divorce?"

Ted: "Yeah, 'couple of times."

Sara: "Has she said she's voting for Sharpton?"

Ted: "Yeah."

Sara: "Wow. She is pissed! OK, well, I've got to finish cleaning up, and get the kids ready for school, tomorrow. I'll try to talk John into helping them with their homework. Yeah, I'll be over in, say, an hour and a half, or so."

Ted: "Make it as soon as you can, OK?"

Ted hangs up the phone. He stands there, looking confused and depressed. He doesn't see the kids standing next to him, listening, till they suddenly speak.

Sally: "Daddy, where are Freddy and Tina? Why is Mommy calling you bad names? Is Sara coming over? Can we stay up late and watch 'Sponge Bob Square Pants'?"

(c) 2003 Bill Bohannon all rights reserved