by Bill Bohannon, 1-26-04

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That's the state moto of New Hampshire: "Live Free Or Die". Once, a long, long time ago, I had a girlfriend from New Hampshire. I got to go see the farm she was raised on, meet her family, see the beautiful, green hills of New Hampshire, and all that good, American stuff.

One of the big attractions I got to see in New Hampshire (they don't have many things to look at up there) was "The Old Man of The Mountain". It was this face of an old Indian, on the side of a mountain. If you stood at a certain angle, you could see it pretty well. They put it on their comemorative quarter. I guess it's all they had to put on their quarter. I mean, they don't have any oil wells, or anything proper, to put on their quarter. They also put "Live Free or Die." on the quarter.

Well, everybody I talked to up there told me that I'd better look quick, 'cause "The Old Man of The Mountain" was about to fall down. Polution, or something was about to kill him off. Well, last summer, he fell down; just collapsed into a pile of rubble. Kinda sad.

But here's the really weird part: the people up there in New Hampshire said that when the Old Man goes; well, that's the end of freedom in America. They say it's a really BAD omen! America (as we know it, anyway) is about to collapse too. I mean, they seem to believe this stuff ( But, hey, what do they know about freedom, anyway? They're just a bunch a' Yankees.)!

Doesn't it seem a little ridiculous to think that America is gonna LOOSE it's freedom, when, right now, finally, we've got a REAL, red-blooded, American President that's actually willin' to FIGHT for our freedom? Why we haven't had a REAL MAN like that in the White House since those corrupt liberals, and the lefist press took over our government way back in the decadent '60's!

Plus, Thank God, President Bush's got a great team of GOOD men, ready to roll up their sleeves, and protect our sacred Homeland from ANY threat, within or without! You don't know anymore where the next terror attack might come from! It might be some homeless person livin' under a bridge, so he can just blow it up. Yesterday, I noticed that the "greeter" at Wal-Mart had a beard and shifty eyes! How about all those guys hangin' out at the local gay bar, huh? Bet they don't like our American traditions! They even want to "marry" each other, up in that neck of the woods! How about all those little brown aliens sneekin' cross the Rio Grande every night? Heck, half of them don't even speak English!

When I was over in Germany, I saw a very popular show on German TV: "Turn In Your Neighbor". What a GREAT IDEA! What if EVERYONE in America just picked up the phone, and turned in ANYBODY, that in ANY way, looked or acted STRANGE or WEIRD, in even the slightest way! Bet THAT would get rid of all the UNAMERICAN types! If he's got a beard; if he's wearing two plaids at the same time; if he's got a mole on his LEFT cheek; bad hair - WHATEVER! TURN THAT SUCKER IN!

America, let's HELP John Ashcroft out, for a change! Finally, he's got the Patriot Act I, which takes away ALL right to ANY kind of justice or representation, for any foreigner or French person. Let's help him now REJOICE in the (secret) passage of Patriot Act II, last month, which takes away all rights to a fair trial for ALL suspicious homegrown AMERICANS, too!

Listen, America, now I'm going to tell you a REALLY GREAT IDEA! I know a way that we Americans can restore the pride of poor little New Hamphire, stave off some dumb, horrible curse fallin' on our American Freedom, and honor a GREAT American, all at the SAME time: You know what I'm gonna say, don't you folks? That's right, we're gonna rebuild "The Old Man of The Mountain". And, we're gonna rebuild it in the exact image of John Ashcroft!

Now, I KNOW what some of you are saying: "But, why not make it into our beloved President George W. Bush's face? Because, dear friends, as you know, there's ONE place left on Mount Rushmore, for the last great President. Even though those preverted liberals wouldn't let us put Ronald Reagan's proud face up there, friends, there's STILL justice in this world!. And, justice WILL prevail.

I've got one more artistic suggestion. Please hear me out. Have you ever seen one of those sculptures, where the eyes seem to follow you around the room; so that no matter where you go in the room, it looks like Jesus, or whoever, is watchin' you? Well., we can do THAT with John Ashcroft's portrait TOO! What more befitting tribute to the proud Protector of America?

At the foot of the mountain will be a NEW, better, placard that proclaims: "Live Free, Exactly Like Me, or You Die!". Does THAT stir the red American blood in YOUR heart, Friend?

If you would like to contribute to the "New Man of The Mountain Fund", please send checks or money orders for $100, $200, $1000, or whatever small contribution you can afford, to:

New Man of The Mountain Fund
5150 Broadway 145
San Antonio, Texas 78209

(c) 2004 Bill Bohannon all rights reserved