by Bill Bohannon, 1-10-03

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America, it's time to GROW UP. Put away those silly, old-fashioned ideas of buying a house, or sending your kids off to college, because our far-sighted, fearless President, George "Moon-Walker" Bush has a NEW PLAN for us all! Pack your bags, folks, 'cause we're goin' to MARS!! That's right, MARS!!

Yes, America, while eating pretzels and drinking his favorite beverage (Big Red and Wild Turkey on the rocks) the other night, your beloved President, George W. Bush was just relaxin' and watching TV. He's given up on watching "Lawrence of Arabia", like Dick Cheney always wants him to, 'cause it's kinda hard for him to understand what they're sayin'. Instead, he was watching his good buddy, Arnold Schwartzenegger's classic film, "Total Recall: Mach I".

Well, as sometimes happens, our Great Leader went into a deep, meditative trance. His first words upon being revived by Dr. Rice were: "We're blastin' off for that Big Red Planet up there, to get some rocks!" That night, George Bush sat down with a map of our solar system, and began to make his plans. Our very FIRST 21st Century President, George W. Bush is taking us on a mission; a mission that will rise us above this dumb quicksand quagmire we're stuck in now. We're on a mission to MARS!!

Quit worrying about the economy, Stupid! You don't NEED a job! So, the Bushes aren't too good at economics. Nobody's perfect! We're goin' to MARS!! That big, wide-open, red-hot planet, with no zoning codes, MARS!! It's BIGGER'n Texas, Son! MARS!!! That's the place to be... MARS!! Haven't you always wanted to be on MARS!!? You can bet your boots that I sure have! We're headed for MARS!!

Why are we goin' to MARS!! (a Doubting Thomas Daschle type might ask)? Well, there might be OIL on MARS!! Might be... They say there COULD BE; and maybe Diamonds the size of Dallas, and Gold, and yummy Green Cheese, and Viagra Too! Diamonds, Gold, Viagra, and OIL!! What more could you want? We're goin' to MARS!! I don't want ta be left behind, do you? You don't want to miss out on MARS!!, do you? No Siree! MARS!!! Think of the real estate! 21st Century MARS!! is going to be a winner in 2004!

See, that's why we've been spending all this time in Iraq and Afghanistan, Israel and Syria, and whatnot. We've been training our troop for operation "MARS!! Democracy Now!" That's why we've been killin' all these Diaper Heads. See, Martians have these big, cone-shaped heads too, just like those Arabs. Yeah, and long beards, sometimes too. And, they run around makin' all these "ugha-buga" noises with their hands up in the air when you shoot 'em, just like Towel Heads. That's why those Arabs make such good Martian personnel training targets.

Iraq's nice and hot, too, just like MARS!! and Texas. The only thing wrong with Iraq as a MARS!! combat training area is that the sand's not RED. That's why we've had to kill so many of those little Diaper Head buggers, to get the sand nice and bloody, and RED, so, it'll look just like MARS!! And, all the OIL that Halliburton's going to suck out of Iraq? That's what we're going to make into ROCKET FUEL to get to MARS!!

Did you know that they temporarily denied Halliburton four hundred million of YOUR federal tax dollars to put that Rover landing probe up on MARS!!? $400,000,000! That's a LOT of money! That's TWELVE DAYS of Halliburtonizing Iraq! That PROVES just how committed the American Government Control Department of the Halliburton Company IS to this project! Don't worry, Son. These men WON'T let you down!

God! It's a dream come true! Makes you damn proud to live in this great country, doesn't it? And, speakin' of livin' in this great country, well, you're gonna have to leave, now. See, this country's just about used up. Look, all the oil companies and all the other raw material extractors, and industrial manufactures and whatnot, bless their souls, have just about sucked everything out that there IS to get out of this country. It's through, finished, kaput. Oh, it's still pretty, in places. But, what's beauty worth if there's no OIL? What are you going to LIVE on?

Besides, the schools are all closing, one by one. I mean they have to lay the schoolteachers off, 'cause we're runnin' out of money to support the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Nigeria, and wherever. The money's got to come from SOMEWHERE, without raising taxes. The government hospitals are closing too. The nurses are being laid off. We can't afford to fix the streets anymore. Businesses are shuttin' down, 'cause consumers don't have any money, 'cause they've been laid off. Well, you know how it goes.

The Bush Administration's propping up the economy as best they can until we get past that last stupid election-formality thing, next November. But, after that, this country's history is history! Oh, we'll keep the American flag. But, all this country's output, and the output of all the countries we've liberated has got to go for WAR. It's only natural.

Now, you could move your family to Iraq, and put your kids through school there. You could get a job with K.B.R., or something. We're building great new schools over there! We're opening new, modern hospitals there, too. Halliburton's doin' a great job in Iraq! But, there's no shopping malls yet, and very little AC. And it gets hot as Texas over there!. You know, those stupid Arabs are gettin' kinda uppity lately, too. Great beaches, though!

Look, it's all just evolution. First, we killed off the Indians so they could have democracy. Then, we had to kill a lot of Mexicans, so we could free California, New Mexico, and Las Vegas. Then we freed the Filipinos. We TRIED to help the stupid Vietnamese. But, well, some people just won't listen to reason.

Right now, in this NEW century, you're SO lucky to be able to watch the Halliburtonization of Iraq right on TV! Is this a great time to be alive or what, Son?

It's just natural evolution to go free those little green shitheads up there on MARS!!. They lead terrible lives, working in the Viagra mines! There's no AC. We're gonna put in some of those big blower fans, like in the Schwartzenegger movie, first thing. They live under a ruthless dictator, and they're just beggin' for us to come free 'em! President Bush and John Ashcroft secretly talk to their Freedom Fighters every day! That Tony Blair guy in England says their ruler has Weapons Of Planetary Destruction that they can launch at us in only 45 minutes! If the liberal Democrats would let us, we'd be on PERMANENT RED ALERT forever. 'Cause those Martians HATE us! And, they want to KILL us!

Besides, won't it be refreshing that we've FINALLY advanced to the point where we can kill some little GREEN men instead of all these same little BROWN evildoers that we've been havin' to kill all these centuries? The Brits, at least, got to kill off some little yellow varmits, and some little black ones, too!

See, first, we're gonna build this big launchin' platform complex up on the Moon, complete with Burger Kings and Wal-Marts, and everything. Of course it'll all be done by Halliburton and K.B.R., and Bechtel and all, just like always. So, you know it'll be done right. We're goin' to mine the Moon too, while we're up there, soon as we find something worth mining on it. Then, we're headin' off to MARS!!, and VENUS!! from there.

Venus!!? Yeah, see, we got to go to MARS!! first, 'cause they're all men on MARS!!, and we can free them, and work the little buggers in the Viagra mines, so we can pump enough energy out of MARS!! to shoot ourselves off to Venus!!, which is where all the WOMEN are, see? You don't want to shoot your whole wad in one shot, right, if you follow me. We want to be able to make REPEAT shots at Venus, 'cause that's where all the women are, see?

They say President Bush has been readin' psychological books about all this stuff, and studyin' up on it at night. Don't worry, Son. These men KNOW what they're doin'!