More Crystalized Thoughts
Carl Estrada to george w. bush
September 27, 2004
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Have Your thoughts “crystalized” yet?
By now, You’re probably hunkered down in debate practice, and I bet You’ve almost crystalized the three thoughts I gave You. Let’s review:
Suppose the moderator, McNeill Lehrer asks You: “Mr. President, what exactly did You mean when You said Native Americans had been “given sovereignty” by the US?”
Answer?
“The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”
Excellent! Ok--try this one.
McNeill Leherer: “Mr. President, how do You answer critics who say the CIA and Your administration have something in common--You both have an “intelligence problem...?”
You say:
“We must whip the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to face them here at home.”
Right again! Ok--let’s try a hard one. What if the Flip-flopping Frenchman asks You: “Mr. President, now that You’ve had several months to think about it, not to mention several months to commit further blunders, can You think of one mistake You’ve made since You became president?”
“My opponent is sending mixed signals. His words embolden the enemy."
Perfect! Your thoughts are crystalized!
Now it’s time to move on to important decisions. In the 32 page “Memorandum of Understanding” that James “The Handler” Baker negotiated for you, there are lots of rules for the debate like how high the podiums will be (50 inches), what color paper you can take notes on (any color) and what kind of props you can use (none). There are rules on how you can address Your opponent (you can’t), how long Your answer will be (90 seconds), and who Your make-up person will be (anybody You want!).
I think James “The Handler” Baker mishandled the whole thing! I can’t believe he agreed to 90 second answers! I timed how long it takes to say:
“The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”
Guess how long? With umm’s and pauses and talking slow, it takes about six seconds! Baker got snookered! He should have started his negotiations at 15 second answers and settled for 10!
But there’s still one big decision to make: How do You want to be addressed by the moderator? You can choose! It says so, right in the Memorandum of Understanding!
You could have him call You “Mr. President,” but that’s so boring. This is a perfect time to spiff up Your image! How about:
“Your Excellency.”
Or maybe:
“Your Highness.”
I’m leaning toward something with a little more weight--something that gives You the respect only You deserve. Try this on and see if it fits:
“Oh, Wondrous, Mighty Leader of the Free Christian World.”
Go ahead--try it! It might take a little time to crystalize, but I think by Thursday, You’ll love it. Let’s practice:
McNeill Lehrer: Oh, Wondrous, Mighty Leader of the Free Christian World, how do You answer the critics who say You’re living in Fantasyland?
You: “The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”
Perfect! Five and a half seconds! I think we’re ready!
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
