Dear Customer

We're sorry you wish to leave us! Before you finalize your decision, we'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of all the benefits of being part of our service, the United States of America.

First and foremost, there is our basic package of liberties and justice. For your relatively modest payment, deducted directly from your paycheck, you receive the most extensive protections to personal liberty in the world. This package includes the right to vote, freedom of speech, press, religion, assembly and petition, the right to keep and bear arms, protection from unreasonable search and seizure, immunity to self-incrimination, the right to due process and a speedy trial, and protection from practices such as slavery and forced quartering of soldiers. While there have been some service difficulties in the last few years due to instability within upper management, our slate of freedoms and protections remains the gold standard throughout the world, the ideal to which our competitors still aspire.

Protecting these freedoms is the world's most powerful armed security operation. With the most advanced technology in the world alongside a deeply loyal and dedicated force of personnel, it remains capable of preventing a hostile takeover from any opposing force, even the might of all our competitors combined. If you renew your subscription, you will continue to enjoy the benefits of this unparalleled security.

We know there have been difficulties over the last several years with our education system, in large part due to subscribers reneging on their payments. Nevertheless, it remains one of our finest institutions. Before your first payment, you receive your entire basic schooling at no extra cost. While some premium services can be purchased for an additional charge, your basic subscription covers your entire childhood schooling career. It will also cover your children should you choose to stay with us. Also remember that services exist for lifelong knowledge enhancement, most particularly our public library system which provides books without surcharge to any member who requests them.

You will also continue to enjoy the benefits of our transportation infrastructure, including roads, railways, air traffic control and more, allowing members to travel with unprecedented freedom throughout our service region. And while electrical power requires a local subscription, it too is serviced by our infrastructure efforts. These basic functions are maintained with funds from subscribers like you.

Our efforts to regulate and encourage media systems provide the coordination, and in some cases the infrastructure, for such varied communication systems as the telephone system, radio, television and the Internet. Thanks to the efforts of the United States of America service, you can communicate with anyone in our service area through client businesses, even reaching people subscribing to competitors for an additional fee.

We also maintain an attractive retirement package. While we admit some of our competitors have equaled or even exceeded our Social Security system, it continues to provide for millions of elderly subscribers. It also provides relief in some catastrophic situations.

Speaking of catastrophic situations, our "first responder" program continues to excel in spite of funding difficulties. With top-notch technology and dedicated service providers, your local security, fire suppression and disaster relief units will come to your aid at no additional cost, any time, day or night. Just as our external security operation protects customers from external dangers, these "hometown heroes" provide defense and relief from both criminal threats and acts of deity.

Now, we are aware that there have been some complaints for some time. Many of our subscribers (particularly among our wealthiest customers) have made criticisms of the cost of our service, which has been reduced several times over the last few years. As a result, we have been forced to cut back on services and proposed expansions.

Our health coverage plans have been hardest hit. While Medicare and Medicaid continue to provide for millions of our customers, our recent prescription expansion has gotten off to a rocky start, and providing coverage to all subscribers continues to be debated by management. Remember, you have the right to determine our CEO and Board of Directors with your vote!

We must admit there have also been difficulties with protecting our basic utilities of air, water and soil. Our organization made tremendous progress on this front over the last several decades, but the last few years have again, admittedly, been rather lackluster in this department. Efforts continue in several fields, including enforcement of laws to protect the air you breathe and the water you drink. We also maintain many natural areas to preserve their valuable resources for our current needs and future generations.

Finally, please remember that while the services offered by a few of our competitors may seem attractive by comparison, all of those that might even be considered to be competitive with our package are much more selective in whom they allow to sign up. We thank you for your patronage and hope that you will reconsider your choice to end your subscription to America.

Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Revenue Service

(/) Roland X
(Still want to be "relieved" of that tax "burden?")

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