The Quality of Bullshit Is Not Strained

LEAVE IT TO AN AMERICAN RETAILER A little noticed but significant detail amongst the spring sale offerings at retail giant Wal-Mart speaks volumes about the current climate of American politics, and might prove an accurate prognosticator of which candidate will win in November.

We stumbled across this commercial phenomenon quite by accident. It is sad that the media, electronic, the prints, even the ubiquitous blogs have missed it in their mad dash to belly up to their particular partisan poison. But here goes.

As some of you know, my Pop is a bit of a gardener. He plants only things we can eat�no flowers�just food and herbs. Last year I went with him to Wal-Mart to purchase what is euphemistically called �natural fertilizer�, sold in fifty pound plastic bags that let little, if any, of the pungency through. We paid, and I remember this distinctly, $1.57 per bag. I recall it vividly because back then we mentally calculated the cost per pound of processed and bagged bull shit on the open market.

Come 2004, the year of a nasty presidential election. A record year for partisan books and articles, a field day for the news pundits, a banner epoch for all the flaming nipples who run our media and seek to control our minds.

And guess what? This year a fifty pound bag of the very same cow dung is currently selling at the super Wal-Mart not a mile from here for�.ta da�$1.17 a bag. Take as many bags as you need, or that can fit into your SUV or pickup. FILL �ER UP!!! That comes out to just a little more that two cents a pound. Two cents for a pound of first quality cow manure!!! What�s going on?

First of all, it proves that the law of supply and demand is alive and well in the marketplace, no matter what the socialist left claims. The price is down simply because there is far more bullshit abroad in the land than usual. And demand for the stuff is less than the producers anticipated.

Second, as the price decreases, it is a possible indication that the economy is on the cusp of a period of DEFLATION (the opposite of INFLATION) a most dangerous period of time when the prices of consumer goods go down creating a wretched monetary circumstance wherein only the consumer benefits. This might be on the mind of Al Greenspan as he contemplates the FED�s next move. Remember, this stock market is sensitive to form more than to substance. Witness what happened earlier this week when the DOW took a 133 point nosedive because Alsie scratched his ass with his left instead of his right hand.

Should Chairman Greenspan ever hint at the decrease in the price of �natural fertilizer� (he would use the politically correct term in case the FCC were listening), the entire stock market could be in for a drubbing unequaled since 1929. If our market crashes, the entire economy of the world would immediately tank. The planet would be thrust into an immediate and long lasting, world-wide depression. It could even signal the end of civilization as we know it. A return to a kind of dark ages where the camel is mightier than Detroit or Essen steel.

If knowledge of this indisputable fact ever reaches the hallowed halls of Congress, there will be hearings, of course, and perhaps an investigation complete with all the trappings of a Special Prosecutor and a panoply of TV cameras.

John Kerry will rightly note that the precipitous fall in the price of bullshit happened on President Bush�s watch, implying that the President�s herd down in Crawford, TX has doubtless contributed directly to the swelling overabundance. Mr. Bush will counter saying the problem is only temporary, and that free market forces will soon straighten out the bumps in the road. It is all a matter of good old supply side and trickle down economics, not of voodoo democratic fiscal policies. Kerry will further claim that the Federal Government should step in immediately and make absolutely certain that the price of the precious material is not artificially controlled by monopolistic elements. Ted Kennedy will argue that a main duty of the Senate is to ensure even distribution of bullshit throughout the entire population, not just among a favored few born with silver spoons up their backsides. And finally, Hillary Clinton will demand an increase in the retail price of cow shit to help prop up the dairy farmers who inhabit the vast and underpopulated reaches of upstate New York.

It will get nastier and nastier as we move closer to that all-important first Tuesday in November.

A crystal ball far stronger than mine is required to see how these circumstances play themselves out. But I promise you this, we shall see in these fifty states and the D. of C. more bullshit than ever before between now and election no matter how low the price.

WRITES MICHAEL MOORE ON HIS WEBSITE:The majority of Americans supported this war .��. that majority must now sacrifice their children until enough blood has been let that maybe -- just maybe -- God and the Iraqi people will forgive us.

Wow, Mikie, that�s a pisser for sure. What we have here is a plea for an old fashioned, pre-christian blood-atonement, a kind of human sacrifice in the sand, wherein our troops pay the ultimate price for the sins of the nation.

The Aztecs, and numerous ancient Middle Eastern cultures espoused similar beliefs. In Central and South America thousands of prisoners and children, often, had their hearts cut out still beating with a knife made of obsidian. Their blood ensured rain, crops, and victory. Many modern Christian fundies feel that our increasing sexuality, including that sin of sins, homosexuality, believing that good old Jehovah will destroy us in the fullness of time. That is, of course, unless the great J.C. makes his second appearance and dispatches all sinners personally.

So I guess what Michael is saying that in his personal theology human sacrifice is OK, necessary even. That implies the existence of a very cruel god, bloodthirsty and barbaric, devoid of the kind and humanitarian qualities we usually associate with the Judeo-Christian deities of our fathers.

What is there about Michael Moore�s background that forced him into such theological insanity? We suspect that he was raised a Roman Catholic. Perhaps, just perhaps he attended parochial school as a youngster. While there, again perhaps, he had his knuckles frequently lacerated by the brass-edged ruler of Uber-Sister, Fraulein Semper Fidelis, principal. Perhaps he was raped by a priest, although I don�t know that priests seek out fat little loads to practice their perversions upon.

Anyway, Michael Moore is fast losing whatever credibility he might have once held among the great unwashed of the left.

BUMPER STICKER OF THE WEEK: IT�S OK TO BURN THE U.S. FLAG AS LONG AS YOU WRAP YOURSELF IN IT FIRST.

MACDONALD�S ANNOUNCES HAPPY MEALS FOR ADULTS Damn! I just became a legal citizen. Thought my Happy Meal days were behind me, like scooters and cap guns. Now I can vote, own a gun, join the military die for my country, AND indulge in an Adult Happy Meal.

KERRY IS RUNNING AS A CENTRIST: Not even voters educated in government schools will by that fiction.

JESUS CHRIST HE�S EVERYWHERE Newest Pop Idol, Jesus (whose last name may or may not be Christ, I don�t pretend to know) is the latest phenom to elbow his way into print and onto our screens, both large and small. Never since, uh, maybe the Inquisition, has the name of the presumed son of god been heard so often across the length and breadth of the earth.

All of this publicity is angering Muslims world wide since neither Allah nor Muhammad is getting coverage anywhere nearly as good as this. Jesus must have one hell of a PR firm working on his behalf. Probably the same one Mel Gibson uses.

This is most likely one major reason why Muslims are so angry with the West. We seem to take the attitude that says, �Our Messiah can kick your Prophet�s ass.� Of course, them�s fighting words. Wonder how the Crusades got started?�.and why are we fighting them all over again?

Yours truly was mistaken for Jesus a few years ago. A frequent flyer to the inner sanctum during my the ninth grade year, I walked into the principal�s office who said, �Jesus Christ, you here again?� Kind of gives a guy a big old lump in his throat.

HAMAS HAS ELECTED A NEW LEADER, but won�t disclose his name for fear that the Sharon Government will do unto him as they have unto his two immediate predecessors. Like he won�t be dead within two weeks anyway. How would you like to be his life insurance company?

LOCAL POLITICS Around here everybody is running as a conservative. Be he a democrat or republican, he is definitely a conservative. Several state legislators have changed party (to republican). Daily we hear ads touting the �Georgia Values� of a candidate. Other than a Libertarian on a shoe string budget, nobody has yet asked me to write for him. Sigh.

SOME NEW MATERIAL ON MY WEBSITE. Check out the TABLE OF CONTENTS, where the last five episodes will now be found near the top to save your having to scroll down.

ON THE JOB FRONT, since so many of you have asked things are going pretty well. At DOS COJONES, the Tex-Mex Restaurant where I have been washing dishes, the boss,Luis, is letting me cook a littke, and even to help out at the bar. Still working on background for a business plan I may or may not be asked to write. Making some pretty big bucks some weekends shilling for dealers at gun shows. School? Pretty easy. A little arguing with one left wingy poly sci teacher and some grief from an English professor. They don�t like first year students in their precious advanced classes, but my AP work and writing background qualified me pretty well. I don�t pretend that these are anything but public college courses in a local Georgia state university, where real education is something of a rarity. But it is a hell of a lot better than high school.

Ciao,

Luke Angelo Macon, Georgia�a modern anachronism.

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Luke Angelo, Cyberbrat Out Of Hell, lives in Macon, GA, where he regularly causes trouble and proves that the pen is far mightier than the Mayor