Karl Rove Resume

Karl Christian Rove

Karl C. Rove
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

OBJECTIVE

To contribute communication skills in a permanent position as a hatchetman in a rapidly growing political machine.

EXPERIENCE

Deputy White House Chief of Staff, 2004-present

• Crafted political strategy and security policy for major industrialized nation
  
• Smeared opposition leaders, members of media through misinformation campaigns
  
• Kept outing of CIA spy scandal out of the media until after reelection campaign

Senior Advisor to the President, 2001-2004

• Deceived large diverse nation into war on false pretenses
  
• Managed personal conflicts of interest, including holding shares in Enron, Boeing, General Electric, and Pfizer while crafting policies and meeting with industry lobbyists
  
• Used 9/11 to cement Republican gains in the House and take over the Senate in 2002
• Raised money and managed political career of right-wing judge Priscilla Owens, coordinating donations from businesses with cases pending before the court, and then orchestrating her elevation to a Federal Circuit Court

Chief Strategist to Governor George W. Bush, 1999-2001

• Orchestrated smear campaign against Al Gore, including manufacturing the appearance of Gore being a 'serial liar'
  
• Concocted moderate media image of candidate as 'compassionate conservative' and 'uniter not divider'
  
• Crafted successful whisper campaign against John McCain in South Carolina to win Presidential nomination for George Bush, including questioning McCain's mental health and implying McCain fathered an illegitimate black child
  
• Organized emergency response of Republican politicians and supporters to go to Florida to assist the campaign's position during recount
  
• Oversaw the incitement of riots and the intimidation of vote counters by flying angry Congressional staffers to Florida

Bush-Quayle Texas Campaign, 1992

• Sabotaged Bush loyalist and state campaign manager Robert Mosbacher in internal feud over direct mail contracts
  
• Fired for leaking information to journalist Bob Novak

Political Consultant, 1981-1999

• In 1986 Texas Governor campaign against Democrat Mark White, Rove bugged own office and blamed it on his opponent
  
• Successfully painted political opponent, respected family court judge, and winner of Champion for Children Award Mark Kennedy as pedophile through sophisticated whisper campaigns
  
• In 1994 Bush defeat of Anne Richards, organized push polls - "Texan voters began receiving calls from "pollsters" asking questions such as: "Would you be more or less likely to vote for Governor Richards if you knew her staff is dominated by lesbians?"

Bush Babysitter, 1977

• During elder Bush's political organizing, hired to run a Texas PAC
  
• "It was really to baby-sit Bush back when Bush was drinking".

Chair, College Republicans, 1973-1974

• Defeated opponent for College Republican Chairmanship by challenging the credentials of every single Edgeworth delegate to the 1973 College Republican convention and putting forward a rival delegation
  
• Taught Nixonian dirty tricks to leaders around the country: "A report was published in the Washington Post on August 10, 1973, titled "[Republican party] Probes Official as Teacher of Tricks", gave an account, based on tape recordings, of how Rove and a colleague had been touring the country giving young Republicans political combat training, in which they recalled their feats of derring-do, such as Rove's Chicago heist at the Dixon headquarters."

Executive Director, College Republicans 1972-1973

• Ran College Republican organization during Nixon reelection campaign
  
• Supported the troops by not serving in Vietnam

Intern, 1970

• Hired by Nixon dirty tricks artist Donald Segretti
  
• Stole 1000 pieces of stationary of Democratic candidate Alan Dixon, a Democrat running for state treasurer in Illinois, distributed to Chicago's red-light district and soup kitchens with message inscribed: "free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing", ruined Dixon reception

SKILLS

• Multichannel rumor spreading (internet, phone, direct mail, broadcast media)
  
• Not getting caught
  
• Smears and whisper campaigns

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