Radio Rabble-Rousin'
Partisan Partyin' on Your Dial
The following advertisements can be heard on liberal and conservative radio stations across the country.
Liberal Ads:
“Roe V. Wade or Rove Wading in Some Deep Shit?”
Do you believe in a woman’s right to choose? Do you believe some fetuses should be aborted before they become full-fledged human beings who pollute our world with their toxic behavior?
Do you believe Karl Rove should have been one of those aborted fetuses?
You know, Karl Rove: Malevolent Mastermind of the Bush “Victory,” Sneaky Leaker of CIA Identities, General All Around Neo-Con Creep.
But Supreme Court Nominee Judge John Roberts wants to take away YOUR right to abort potential loons like Rove and his beastial band of fascist freaks.
Stand up to John Roberts! Tell him YOU want to preserve your right to abort potential Georgie Duhbyas and Dicky Cheneys and Donnie Rumseys and Karly Roveys. Write your congressman today and say: Abort The Supreme Court Takeover by John Roberts!
“Fair and Balanced Name Change”
Democrats! So you’re angry that Bush installed John Puppet Bolton into the UN ambassadorship without your consent? So you feel left out of the loop, disrespected, marginalized, compromised?
Well, I say it’s time to face the muzak, Democrats, because you would have allowed John Bolton to make it into the UN anyway.
Your track record in such matters is simply stellar: just as you allowed Torturecrat Alberto Gonzales to be confirmed as Attorney General, just as you allowed the un-Patriot Act to pass, just as you allowed Bush to dump bombs on Iraq, just as you allowed the fascists to win the elections — just as you allow everything to happen that goes against your supposed princples — you would have allowed anti-UN crusader Bolton carte blanche access to the United Nations.
Why, Democrats, do you allow these things to happen? Is it because you fear getting sent to Guantanamo Bay by your conservative nemeses? Or is it because you are a Corporate Whore?
Either way, it’s clear that you are disrespecting, marginalizing, and compromising your constituency.
So, to that end, we need to vote on a name change to more accurately reflect the reality of today’s Democrats.
But the best part is, YOU get to decide what name reflects the reality better. If you think your party is full of cowering, blubbering wimps, then vote for the name Wimpocrats. If you think your party is a buttsucking corporate leech, then vote for the name Limocrats. It’s THAT easy!
And until you learn to be an effective opposition to the Republicans, and actually represent the values you claim to believe in, that is what you will be called.
Wimpocrat or Limocrat: YOU decide.
Conservative Ads:
“Wall Street Securities”
Tired of grandma whining that her $400 month Social Security check doesn’t cover her rent, 40 brands of prescription pills, prune diet and Metamucil habit?
Well, George Bush is tired of your grandma whining too, and he’s going to do something about it. He’s going to privatize grandma so she’ll shut the hell up!
Instead of taking the old-timer on her weekly trip to Wal- Mart, Bush is going to wheel granny on over to Wall Street and introduce her to the kindly investment specialists. In no time, these benevolent brokers will show that sassy senior how to turn her paltry $400 into a precious $4000 - for them!
So call your Wall Street broker today - and be sure to ask about their Naggin’ Granny Discount!
“Iraq Cracker, Inc.”
Forget Costa Rica as the latest gentrification destination. Those Mexican wanna-be’s don’t want greedy gringos there anyway, chopping up precious jungle for their Ayran mansions.
No, the latest “Brownville” to set up camp in - if you’re a monied whitey, that is - is none other than Iraq-istan!
Iraqi-stan is a real fixer-upper of a country: Faltering water and electricity structures in need of manipulating, missile-mauled and car-bombed buildings in need of cheap re-construction, junk food corporations in need of multiplying, Korans in need of flushing, oil in need of stealing, limbless children in need of exploiting, prisoners in need of abusing, general population in need of subduing...the possibilities are endless!
Sure, it’s a mite dangerous in Iraqi-stan - but let’s face, what ghetto ISN’T dangerous when you first move in? Once Henry Honkey takes over, those ragheaded warriors with their pseudo-tans will quickly learn their place and either move to bordering Iran - or they’ll simply become marginalized in their own country.
Either way, they’re sure to join one or another of the burgeoning insurgencies - and really, think what a thrill that can be, battling rabid jihadists on their OWN oil-rich turf.
So come on over, Righteous Whitey: There’s loads of fun to be had in good ol’ Iraq-stan! And be sure to bring your gas-hungry Hummers and bulky Biblical tomes for those “Sunday School N’ Oil Diggin’ ” sessions in the sand.
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More articles by this author, Alison Ross
Alison Ross is a passionate but peeved advocate for the poor and homeless. She deplores American fascism but adores American liberalism. She has had her sociopolitical rants showcased in Democracy Means You, Exquisite Corpse, Democratic Underground, Muse Apprentice Guild, When Falls the Coliseum, and Creative Loafing. She also venerates verse, and has had her poetry published in Cerebral Catalyst, A Little Poetry, Muse Apprentice Guild, Mad Swirl, and Nova Express, and forthcoming in Underground Window. When not writing, she enjoys reading, drinking wine, snoring, and bonding with her feline friend, Quetzal.
