Republicans Rewrite Psalm 23
Top Secret memo intercepted
by Frank Brincka
The Democrat-Loving sleuths at www.HappyImBlue.com have intercepted a damning memo from Karl Rove showing the Republicans' intent to rewrite Psalm 23 — and incredibly, the Bible as a whole to futher their evil plans! How can you stop this madness? Pass this story on and get the word out before they get the edits out!
TO: Dr. James Dobson, Focus On The Family
FROM: Karl Rove, White House
RE: Psalm 23, Revised
Hi, Jim. I hope that all is well with you. Congratulations on the success of your recent Justice Sunday initiative. You have significantly advanced our ongoing efforts to establish a Republican theocracy in the United States.
However, it has come to my attention that our most important playbook – the Holy Bible – is packed with such namby-pamby platitudes as “Love your enemies,” “Judge not, that ye be not judged,” “As you want people to treat you, do the same to them,” and (worst of all) “Thou shalt not kill.”
All this kind of “Turn the other cheek” stuff sounds wimpy and suspiciously liberal. Clearly, what’s needed here is a complete rewrite of the HB to reflect a muscular, he-man brand of Christianity that all good Republicans can get behind.
As a starting point, consider the 23rd Psalm as originally written:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
This is much too touchy-feely for our purposes. I suggest the following robust alternative:
The President is my shepherd; I shall not dissent. 2 He maketh me to lie down in treeless forests: he leadeth me beside the polluted waters. 3 He preserveth the millionaire’s tax cut: he leadeth me in the highways of consumerism for WalMart’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Iraq, I will fear no accountability: for Halliburton art with me; thy laser-guided bomb and thy cruise missile they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest bogus election results before me in the presence of mine liberal enemies: thou anointest my head with Saudi oil; thy hypocrisy runneth over. 6 Surely evil and cruelty shall follow me all the days of my strife: and I will dwell in the House and the Senate of the Republican majority for ever.
I’m sure you will agree that this strikes just the right manly, kick-ass tone that is far more in keeping with our objectives. Please let me know your thoughts on this at your earliest convenience.
In GOP we trust,
Karl
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