You Might Be A Liberal If...
What liberals look like through one conservative's sense of humor
by Tricky Dick
Howdy, y'all! Tricky Dick, here.
Bein' a pro-fessional artiste livin' in Chapel Hill North Cacky-Lacky, I have often been suspected and strainuously accused by my peers of Bein' a Liberal – so much so that I almost began to doubt myself ('terrible state of affairs – simply terrible - doubtin' one's self), and so I saw fit to devise a test to help with mine and ev'ryone's discernment and make for sure that ain't none of us is lib'rals. After all, sometimes it's hard to tell who's liberal an' who ain't.
This here's a little spin on an old Jeff Foxworthy bit (Foxworthy... he's a southern comedian... Okay, well maybe you boys ain't heard of 'im, but he's real funny, an' real RIGHT – I mean correct). I call this here, “You Might Be a Liberal”, an' it's right up your ass- I mean alley (Sorry. Me and the President – we ain't too good with words sometimes!)
Eh-hem... Okay, here goes:
If you thought the Stars and Stripes was the enemy flag... ...you might be a liberal.
If you call soldiers “Baby Killers,” but not abortionists... ...you might be a liberal.
If you have more than five bumper stickers on your car... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think that hatred is inexcusable – unless it's directed at President Bush... ...you might be a liberal.
If you have mistaken a government agency for your bank... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think it's okay for a girl to have sex with a Barbee – 'long as she don't play with one - you might be a liberal.
If you thought “We, the people...” was someone else... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think you're better than everyone else but that no one should ever be allowed to win at anything... ...you might be a liberal.
If your girlfriend and your boyfriend are the same person... ... you might be a quee- I mean liberal.
If you think that everyone should be allowed to express themselves – but only as long as they agree with you... ...you might be a liberal.
If you have mistaken the professional arts for a political platform (Y'all thought I was kiddin' 'bout bein' a professional artist from Chapel Hill? Nope)... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think men and women are really alike, and/but everyone should be like women... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think it's okay to pull the race card - as long as you're not white... ...you might be a liberal.
If you wear those ugly, dark-rimmed glasses and don't need a prescription... ...you might be a liberal.
If you practice martial arts, but are opposed to self-defense... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think everyone should be allowed to act in accord with their nature – unless they're white, heterosexual males of European descent... ...you might be a liberal.
If the clothes you wear are ugly and mismatched, and it's on purpose... you might be a liberal.
If it's difficult to tell what sex you are... ...you might be a liberal.
If your girlfriend has more hair under her arms than on her head... then she might be a liberal (and you ought to have your sexual preferences examined!)...
If you think it's good to believe stuff – as long as you don't think it's true... ...you might be a liberal.
If you and your boyfriend dress like twins... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think freedom and lawlessness are the same thing... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think it's wrong to kill an animal for food but okay to kill a human child for the mere sake of one's convenience... ...you might be a liberal.
If you call yourself “spiritual” but are against organized religion... ...you might be a liberal. If you like to talk about evolving but have the diet of an extinct species of hominid... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think all things should be in harmony but that no one should maintain law and order... ...you might be a liberal.
If you think it's wrong to bash queers but okay to bash Bush (well, queers probably can't defend themselves as well as President Bush, but that shouldn't matter – nobody should bash anyone, right?)... you might be a liberal.
If you abhor violence – unless it's just throwing a shrill tantrum... then you might be a liberal. If you scream about injustice but think there shouldn't be any rules... ...then you might be a liberal.
If you think nature's way of doing things is always best – except when it comes to sexuality... ...well you might – just might – be a liberal.
If you think killing is wrong, unless it pertains to your own children, well then I'd say you're probably a liberal!
And if you ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you... then you're definitely a liberal and you didn't listen to JFK!...
Over an' out,
Tricky Dick
Tricky Dick is a friend of Ian's, and an actual artist--and conservative.
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Anonymous is a long-time author for DMY and has offered objective insight and humor on many topics. Anon is currently living in an undisclosed location. It is unknown whether Anon is Dick Cheney, but we doubt it.
