12 Steps to being a Bush Believer™
Find your D-Spot
In our lofty position as writers and researchers for DemocracyMeansYou.com we have had the pleasure of talking with numerous Bush “supporters,”—and we have found a level of faith-based pretzel logic unseen in the unsaved. Bush “supporters” are more than “supporters” in the athletic or political sense. They have become BELIEVERS, immune to rationality, logic, history, facts, or accurate statistics. There is a deep sense of angry overconfidence these folks have in their beliefs—a knowledge of right and wrong that makes subtlety and nuanced complexity pale in comparison. Until they run up against someone with a different opinion, anyway.
After much study, our dedicated research group came to realize that Bush Believers unfailingly all have one thing in common: they have all found and frequently self-stimulate their D-spots.
Named after B.N. Denial, one of the founding members of our research group who first discovered the spot in Republicans, the D-spot is the answer we’ve all been looking for. Millions have found that stimulation of their D-spot has simplified their lives, reduced confusing hues of color to easy-to-digest black and white, and converted moral and ethical subtleties to effortless good vs. evil clarity.
The Good News is now here: after years of painstaking research, our group has found a way to spread it to every last liberal in the country. You no longer need to suffer in the depressing solace of rationality and thoughtful analysis. Millions of Republicans have enjoyed that glazed-over look of disdain and self-righteous knowing anger in their own eyes, and now you can, too.
In order to help ordinary liberals, independents, and other unbelievers gain this level of unlightenment, our group developed this simple-to-follow 12 Step program to Finding and Stimulating Your Own D-spot. Here are the steps that we took to find our own D-spots and become Bush Believers™.
1. Admitted that we were powerless over accountability, and accounting, and that our lives had become too sensible.
It’s far easier to say you’re accountable than it is to actually be accountable. Who wants to admit it? Admission of no accountability is the first step to liberating your mind and life from accountability. Without this admission, you might as well just go ahead and be accountable like Paul Wellstone or even Abe Lincoln, and forget all about your D-spot. So admit it and get with the program! Why must we all fight this realization? It’s far easier to continue to live our lives as blind, reality-seeking, responsible citizens of the country and world. But to live like that is utterly sustainable. And sustainability cannot last. It is not the Way of the Bush™.
2. Came to believe that all our problems are caused by other people, and only George W. Bush can restore us to safety and prosperity.
What can we believe in? There is only one party that we can believe in, whatever politician it embodies in the moment, and that is the G.O.P. (The Party™). We came to realize the importance of a closed mind. That the power of positive rhetoric is indispensable. Self-righteousness and defiance are outstanding characteristics which will help you find your D-spot. Know the right religion and the right God. Or else. This second step affirmation can help. Adapt it for your own situation:
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the power of The Party, and Fox News, its Emissary on Air, as we understood it.
Step Three is as easy as turning on a television and saying a prayer for the destruction of evildoers and enemies of The Party. We must ask, “How can we let Fox News into our lives and souls?” Unquestioning belief is the key. Depend on their “reporting” for your reality. They are Fair and Balanced. They report, and you decide not to question. Rush is Right. Be independent from everyone and everything else other than Fox and The Party. You must use your willpower to give up your willpower and develop willpower that will power The Party. You must have a sustained and personal exertion of this willful unwilling willfulness if you are to conform to Fox News’ will and the will of The Party. It is the only way.
4. Made a searching and fearful inventory of the political beliefs and religious inadequacies of our neighbors, our families, our co-workers, and fellow citizens.
We learned to hone our instincts to find facts and evade them. You must discover how to avoid your own liabilities and instead turn them into liabilities for others instead. Justify yourself and your positions at all costs. Blame others. If you do not root out terrorist and terrorist sympathizers, you could be next! Be thorough in this… but never in verifying the “Facts™” you spout. It is enough that they came from the messengers of The Party. Repeat Party Factsዪwhenever liberals try to brainwash you.
5. Admitted to The One True White Christian God, to ourselves, and another Republican the exact nature of how wrong the liberals and Democrats are.
Step Five is the foundation for overconfident belligerence and should not be taken lightly. Without thorough examination of the defects of other views, we can neither find our D-spots, nor develop the conceit necessary to brush aside the validity of others’ opinions and act accordingly, our own way, in concert with the will of Fox News and The Party. In taking this step, you will begin the path of rugged individualism, in exactly the way we prescribe, exactly as everyone else in The Party does it, and learn to act as if you are a realist; that other opinions are pie-in-the sky. The results of this step are tranquility whenever surrounded by others unquestioningly affirming your beliefs, and a Oneness with The Party that will prepare you for the following steps.
6. Were entirely ready to have Fox News and The Party remove all these derelicts from our country, and send them to Iraq where they belong, with all the other commie sympathizer bastards. And the French.
Step Six is necessary to cleanse the body politic of your soul of all questioning of The Party and Fox News, its Holy Emissary on Air. It paves the way for recognizing the difference between striving towards objectives and just plain being perfect—knowing your shit don’t stink one bit. To delay this step is dangerous. Once you have come to this readiness, action to remove these derelicts is crucial. This is the point at which we abandon our own limited views and move decisively towards The Party’s will for us.
7. Petitioned our Limited Governmentዪto remove all those who fall short.
Compassionate Conservatismዪrequires petitions. Only you do not sign compassionately conservative petitions, you only sign checks to petition on your behalf. Financial pain is the admission price to a new life within the embracing arms of The Party. Without financial pain, there can be no tax cuts, and therefore no relief from financial pain when the prosperity trickles down from those in the highest tax brackets. Self-centeredness is key. Your financial pain is your financial gain. It is all for YOU and YOUR good. Trust us.
8. Made a list of all persons who we had found unacceptable and sent it to the Department of Homeland SecurityዪTerrorist Watch List™.
This and the next two steps are concerned with party dominance. Learning to live without others who don’t agree with you is a fascinating adventure. You may find certain obstacles: feeling compassion towards others, forgiveness, admission of your own shortcomings. But don’t let these get in the way. Compassion is only good when it is Compassionate Conservatism™. Forgiveness must be reserved for those like Rush Limbaugh who deserve it. You have no shortcomings. Unless The Party says so. But you can talk as if you do if it helps get what you want for the good of The Party. Just know that you don’t.
9. Made direct citizens’ arrests of such people wherever possible, except when to do so would endanger ourselves or cost too much money, in which case, we had the police do it.
A tranquil mind is the first requisite for good judgment. And it is important to judge. After all, God himself put you in the position to judge, and is it not His Willዪthat you do it? As Jesus said, the government is formed on Jesus, and so is your judgment. Know you are holy and righteous, and your judgment will be as well. Readiness to take others to task and defer responsibility onto others is the spirit of Step Nine.
10. Continued to take personal umbrage and when we were challenged, promptly shouted louder than they could.
Shout makes right. Look at Bill O’Reilly and learn the power of SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT OFF HIS MIKE! These are the words that will bring freedom to you and others. Freedom from stretching your perspectives and the danger that brings. Make a habit of talking over others. Let self-righteous indignation become a fact of daily life. Patronizing smiles and disdainful disapproval are excellent tools with which to meet the challenges of wrongdoing Democrats and other liberals.
11. Sought through public prayer and indignation to improve our conscious image in front of everyone; we prayed louder, more frequently, more publicly than anyone else we saw, and prayed only for the good of The Party’s interest and the power to make it happen.
You are the conduit for God’s Personal Messageዪto the world. Unless it conflicts with God’s Personal Message as relayed through The Emissaries of The Party. With that knowledge, you can shoot down any argument based on so-called Facts™. Facts are nothing without faith, and faith always wins. Whenever a Fact challenges your views, remind people that you and George W. Bush are God’s Personal Messengersዪand cannot be wrong. The Bibleዪsays so.
12. Having had a political apoplexy as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to potential Partyዪfollowers and donors, and practice these principles in all areas of our lives, whenever convenient.
Convenience is the theme of the last step. Convenient forgetting of history. Convenient assigning of blame. Convenient prices for gas, and immigrant labor. Know that there is no giving without reward—and you get to set the price for that reward. That’s the beauty of the FreeዪMarket™. Convenience is the essence of Denial. When you are ready to justify any behavior in the name of convenience, to rationalize away any inconsistencies, to gloss over Facts™, you have found your D-spot and can stimulate it with ease. It is now your responsibility to bring others into the fold, along with their checkbooks and tax dollars, to pay for tax cuts and fat contracts for the truly deserving. Believe that you are deserving. Your ship will come in. And it will be built by Halliburton in a sweetheart no-bid contract.
Amen™.
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Anonymous is a long-time author for DMY and has offered objective insight and humor on many topics. Anon is currently living in an undisclosed location. It is unknown whether Anon is Dick Cheney, but we doubt it.
