If You Wanna Make Peace, You Gotta Break Some Republicans
Straight from the horse’s, uh, mouth
Brothers and sisters, I’ve seen the light.
The problem is, apparently, that more or less, I’ve been trying to negotiate with terrorists of one kind or another all my life.
Somewhere in my warped idealistic mind, somewhere in my liberal fantasy lala land, I’ve thought that if you give people more reasons to live than to die, more reasons to be law-abiding than to be criminal, that generally speaking, they will choose life and freedom.
I’ve been so wrong.
Here’s the hard truth for all you pansy-ass liberals who haven’t come over to the realpolitik end of the dance floor: Bad people are born bad. And if they’re not born bad, they turn out bad pretty soon after they pop out. Bad kids are just plain bad kids, and bad kids become bad adults, whether they’re Aileen Wuornos (subject of the movie “Monster”) on death row, Iraqi insurgents, Palestinians, members of al Qaeda, or Democrats.
You can tell it’s the truth, if you’ve got your eyes open ’cuz there’s always someone else who’s been in a similar situation who didn’t go so bad. Pretty simple, you see, there’s always someone poorer, more abused, more oppressed, and wasn’t violent in response to those conditions, and in fact, was able to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and become an American success story. There are thousands of examples; just go to any Republican party meeting, and they’ll tell you themselves. Other people are just lazy, just bad, or just enjoy being bad. And therefore, the only way to permanently take care of the problem they pose to society is to lock them up forever--or kill them. Three strikes? I say one strike. They made their choice.
Insurgents need to be exterminated like the vermin they are. People like Andrea Yates (who drowned her five children thinking it was the only way to save them from Satan, but was found to be sane for a death-penalty trial in Texas) should--of course--be tried for capital murder and electrocuted to protect us all. Palestinians and other Arab terrorists need to be handled with tough policies, bulldozers and Uzis because that’s the only thing they understand. Otherwise they’d know enough to use the political process. And Israelis, of course (according to Palestinians), must have their throats slit like chickens because “once a dog has found meat the only way to have peace is to kill the dog.” (Thanks to Joe Sacco for that last quote from an old Palestinian man.)
All this time, I’ve thought that if America shifted course on its polices, and put, say, alleviation of poverty and hunger as its top priorities (aside, of course from security issues that need immediate attention), it would provide the best security for not only America, but pretty much everyone. You know, that “I am my brother’s keeper” bullshit we godless liberals keep spouting? Funny, it seems that the more self-righteous the Christian, the more they’re actually into the OLD testament’s sadistic punishments than Jesus’ words and actions.
But I’ve had it all wrong, and so have you, dear reader. We need to vanquish our enemies. We need to show them who they’re messing with. It’s a crusade. We need Uncle Sam to “shove it right up their ass,” like that post-9/11 country-western song says. Kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out. Send ’em to Allah to get 72 virgins. You know the drill.
So what should a peace-loving liberal do to convince a self-styled “real-world conservative” that all this isn’t effective, productive, or moral?
According to conservatives themselves, the answer is “nothing.”
There’s nothing we can do. It’s a fact. That’s how they are. People can’t change, don’t change, and won’t change. We need to know that. And since we’ve been wholly ineffective, we need to take a note from our adversaries’ pages: All we can do is lock ’em up or send them to meet their maker early, and let God or the prison queen bees sort them out. They’re born “conservative.” Born fearful. Born hateful. Born selfish. Born hypocritical. It’s just reality, so buck up.
Rehabilitation doesn’t work. It’s been tried. It’s just an under-funded liberal myth and a waste of good taxpayer dollars. Our choices are black and white. We either need to lock these political perverts up at taxpayer expense or waste ’em.
So gimme a gun and a twelve pack of good ol’ Nazi-lovin Adolf Coors, and let’s get to work killing for peace.
It’s the only way.
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J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney.
DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process.
He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
