Blumped by the OB/GYN's
Carl Estrada to george w. bush
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by Paul Chasman , 09.10.2004 Buy Fantastic Progressive Stickers, Buttons, Tees, and more!
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September 10, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
That was a close one!
Another *squink and a **blump, followed by a ***smurkle! You were speaking in Missouri when it happened. Everything was going fine--your shirt was soaked with that good “common man” sweat, and you had the crowd worked into a froth about “frivolous lawsuits” that are ruining regular folks at Haliburton and Enron. If the Slick-Trial-Lawyer-Edwards had showed up right then, the good folks of Poplar Bluff would have rode him on a rail to the nearest chemical plant and strung him to the highest smokestack! And then--the moment we’ve come to dread:
“Too many good... (squink) ...O...B...G...Y...N's... aren't able to practice their ... uhh... (squink... blump...) ...their love, with women all across this country."
(?)
My heart was in my throat! I couldn’t breathe. And then You smurkled, and I knew we had made it through the rough patch.
Glossary of Terms
*Squink--When You squint and think at the same time.
**Blump--The blank look You get when you’re stumped.
***Smurkle--A cross between a chuckle and a smirk, like when You answer a question right or when Your National Guard records suddenly turn up.
Then I thought about it, and a light bulb went on: Right again! That’s the trouble with this country! We need a law allowing the OB/GYN’s to practice their love with the women across this great land of ours! Pass a Constitutional Amendment now! Grab the high ground! This could be the “wedge issue” we’ve been looking for!
Anyway, people shouldn’t go around suing their OB/GYN’s just because they don’t like the way things worked out! My wife Viola’s OB/GYN practiced his love on her three times and we never sued him once, even though we weren’t very happy with the daughters he pulled out.
For one thing, I wanted a boy. He could have given me at least one boy. But did you see me suing him? No!
The first time our OB/GYN practiced his love on Viola, he gave us our
daughter, Jennifer. She’s had more men than You’ve had reasons for invading Iraq! Then he practiced his love the second time and gave us our daughter Stephanie who never writes and never calls. Just like you! But do you see us suing him for it?
When our OB/GYN practiced his love on Viola the last time, he gave us a daughter just like Dick Cheney’s daughter. She came out gay. I’m glad we didn’t sue him for Bobbie--we ended up liking her the best. She has a steady relationship and a steady job and guess what? She and her partner Billie are going to adopt! I hope they get a boy!
Speaking of gay, I heard the Log Cabin Republicans decided not to endorse You. They said You were “disloyal” to gays. Don’t worry! After Your speech in Missouri, You’ll pick up the OB/GYN vote which will cancel out the gays you lost. Except for the gay OB/GYN’s. I wonder how they’ll vote?
OB/GYN’S FOR BUSH-CHENEY ‘04!
LOG CABIN OB/GYN’S TOO!
Carl Estrada
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
