National Buy Ann Coulter a Cheeseburger Day
Won't you help Ann Coulter with a scrumptious cheeseburger in your name. She needs the nutrition...
Ann Needs Your Help
Poor Ann. It's clear from one look at the woman that she’s been spending far too much time helping Christianize famine-stricken future second-amendment-defending Republicans in the third world, and neglecting the most important person of all: Ann. Too much time spreading Jesus’ gospel of tax cuts and hatred and not enough with the loaves and fishes leaves Ann a dull girl. And we’re worried. But you don’t have to be. Now you can help out--by spending 99 cents to encourage her health and big-heartedly participating in NATIONAL BUY ANN COULTER A CHEESEBURGER DAY.
We know that just like us, deep down in the mushy crevices of your bleeding, knee-jerk liberal, Neville Chamberlain, Saddam-loving, Hitler-appeaser heart, you can’t help but love Ann and be concerned. After all, she’s just another victim of our compassionless, image-obsessed society. Just like mass murderers. She's not taking care of herself--and because sticky sweet peace-and-love Hallmark-card soft-heartedness comes before politics every day of the week except those that land on Christian holiday we God-hating devil worshippers are trying to subvert, and because it’s more clear all the time to those of us who’ve actually dealt with our issues in therapy, that the steaming bucket of hatred she spews upon the world is really just a projection of her own self-loathing. Poor thing.
The Solution
As staunch Democrats (and other communist sympathizers), there’s only one thing left to do. The only thing we truly know. We must create a program to save her from herself. Which is why every day from now until Ann finally gains 30 healthy pounds is going to be NATIONAL BUY ANN COULTER A CHEESEBURGER DAY.
And because Ann is so sensitive to government waste unless it’s budgeted (or not) by Republicans, we’re making sure it won’t cost taxpayers a dime. In the spirit of Free Trade™, private donations will cover it all, thanks to the generosity of big-hearted, good Americans like yourself.
A Fallen Angel
Whatever tragedies befell that once-angelic blonde-haired tiny wisp of a tyke we called “our little Annikins” has somehow taken over her life. Maybe she just absorbed too many of liberal yuppie society’s messages that little girls are never good enough, rich enough, or thin enough, or maybe too much exposure to the radiation from Easy-Bake™ Ovens in the crazy 70s drove her over the edge. Or worse yet, perhaps Dick Cheney seductively dribbled crude oil out of the corners of his mouth all over her young body while singing “Onward Christian Soldier” and smoking $100 bills while on one of his notorious petroleum benders in the heady days of Jimmy Carter. Maybe Lynne did. We may never know. But what is clear is that her mounting feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing as have gotten way out of control, and she’s taking it out on anyone who reminds her of her vulnerable little self inside. It’s sad. Tragic, in fact.
And she's not going to like this--but it's time for an intervention. And as good, caring, card-carrying liberals, its up to us to do it, because people like her sugar daddy Rupert Murdoch are too busy profiting from her acting out to want her to change. Not on our watch, buddy! Ann just another hurting soul and we’re going to do something about it--even if we can’t win an election.
The Enemy
Truth is, people with chronic eating disorders like hers can lash out at everyone around them. They can get depressive. Manic-depressive. Even dysfunctional. Half the time they can’t tell reality from a Karl Rove press release. And they don't know Bush from Lincoln. With Ann, and millions of other American women in this screwed-up culture, it only gets more extreme over time. It’s just like Julia Roberts in STEEL MAGNOLIAS, but worse. Poor Ann is trapped in a private Pyrrhic hell of non-stop hypoglycemia. And believe me, that is NOT fun.
Her brain is deprived of desperately needed nutrition. She's a sick woman. Delusion is taking over her life. It’s gotten to the point she even believes Canada sent troops to Vietnam. (http://www.michaelmoore.com/_media/Coulter.mov)
Without help, she'll likely crash in a firestorm of hatred and despair, blaming those least responsible for her condition: Canada, liberals, the French, the poor. And none of us will ever see the worst of it because whatever Ann says about oxycontin-addicted, unmarried, expatriot, French lesbian welfare mothers in the slums, she has got to believe in her heart that it's ten time more true about her. Poor girl. That's why we need YOU to give her hand. And a cheeseburger.
Track Record
Here's a few things she's said. We're sure that no matter how mad you've been at Ann, after reading them, your compassion will float right to the surface just like oil from the Exxon Valdez, and you'll be one of thousands of caring liberals who want to take part in NATIONAL BUY ANN COULTER A CHEESEBURGER DAY to give her incentive recover!
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J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney.
DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process.
He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
