Kids are dumber than you think
Or Why Dr. Dobson Shouldn't Worry
I’m assuming that by now, everyone knows Spongebob Squarepants is gay, whoops, sorry, promotes the homosexual agenda. (NB to my gay and lesbian friends: would you mind copying me in? I must have missed the Godless Secularist Liberals meeting that week). According to Dr. James Dobson, the head of Focus on the Family, a huge conservative evangelical media conglomerate, the cute little member of the phylum Poriphera is on a secret mission to Corrupt Our Youth.
The New York Times broke the story on January 20th, neatly coinciding with the inauguration festival of our Fearless Leader:
"SpongeBob needed no introduction. In addition to his popularity among children, who watch his cartoon show, he has become a well-known camp figure among adult gay men, perhaps because he holds hands with his animated sidekick Patrick and likes to watch the imaginary television show 'The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.'
Now, Dr. Dobson said, SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a 'pro-homosexual video,' in which he appeared alongside children's television colleagues like Barney and Jimmy Neutron, among many others. The makers of the video, he said, planned to mail it to thousands of elementary schools to promote a 'tolerance pledge' that includes tolerance for differences of 'sexual identity.' "(David D. Kirkpatrick, NYT, 1/20/05)
Naturally, this exposed Dr. Dobson to some much-deserved ridicule. DailyKos almost immediately fired up its blog with suggestions for bumper stickers (“Sponge-Lovin’ Liberal”), the comment that if Spongebob were gay, he would dress better, and poignant ruminations “First they came for Barney. . .” (http://SwedishChef.dailykos.com/story/2005/1/20/13212/0359). Dobson was forced to backpedal substantially, but defended himself on his web site by increasing the size of his target:
"At its heart, the issue before us is the 'sexual re-orientation' and brainwashing of children by homosexual advocacy groups. It is going on in many schools today, both public and private. Make absolutely sure your child is not being targeted for this purpose. If it happens in his or her classroom, take an army of like-minded parents with you to the next board meeting, and let your voices be heard to the rooftops!
Remember, you heard it here. " (http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0035339.cfm)
Don’t worry, we’ll remember.
On Sunday, January 30th, the animation community had its revenge at the Annie Awards, the animation equivalent to the Oscars. Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob, acted as MC and pointed out that “sponges are asexual and therefore have no sexual orientation.” (He also dropped his pants in a swipe at “wardrobe malfunctions.”) (http://annieawards.com/32ndannieawardwinners.htm)
But I am not writing this to gloat.
Rather, as an act of (Christian?) charity, I wish to console Dr. Dobson and to cheer him up by pointing out the following truth:
Kids are dumber than you think.
I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. What I mean is that kids are NOT helpless little targets for brainwashing like. . .well. . . like sponges.
Even if what Dobson says was true; even if there *was* a homosexual agenda and Hollywood was totally complicit in it (and how come Mel’s film didn’t get nominated for the Oscars, anyway?), it would take more than a video showing or even several months of videos to make a substantial dent on grade school children. And I can prove it from personal experience.
When I was in what Jean Shepherd would call my larval stages, my family lived in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Like most beach towns, it was fairly laid-back, but the surrounding area was not. Norfolk, Virginia is a gigantic naval base. And while I love Virginia dearly, especially the Blackfriars Playhouse in Staunton, there’s no getting around the huge reactionary evangelical population there. It’s Jerry Falwell’s HQ. And it used to be Jim and Tammy’s HQ, too.
Now, before the 700 Club got popular, and long before Jim got into all that bimbo and financial malfeasance trouble, Jim and Tammy were fairly small potatoes, with a TV show out of Norfolk. A kid’s show.
Reception was poor back then (anyone remember antennas?) and so kid’s programming was whatever came in. I watched whatever there was to watch. Old Flipper reruns. Stuff in black and white (because the set was black and white anyway.) And The Jim and Tammy Show. My parents had no idea I was watching it, because I had the only TV in the house in my bedroom. And I watched it every day.
For months.
The Jim and Tammy Show was a little bit like an evangelical version of Howdy Doody, with puppets and kids sitting on bleachers. There were dumb jokes sent in by viewers. And there was a club that would give a kid a free ticket to be on the show. So naturally I became a member, and my parents—still clueless—packed me into the car to drive me to the studio.
They weren’t clueless for long. They watched in horror in the control room as they saw Jim ranting about hellfire and Tammy egging the kids on in a voice that was so shrill that the engineers had to turn down her mike.
My poor, well-meaning, 60s liberal parents, who sent me to a good Quaker school. They thought it had all gone down the toilet.
After the show was over, they questioned me cautiously about the show. Umm. . . how did I like it? What about the stuff they said?
I shrugged and said I didn’t know. They had puppets, that was cool.
The truth is that I was really, really bored. I had wondered why those kids always laughed at the dumb jokes, and I learned what a “LAUGH” sign was for.
And Jim Bakker’s hellfire preaching? That slipped right by me. Went in one ear and out the other. Made no impression at all.
Because it made no sense to me.
The thing is that kids are much more strongly influenced by the adults in their lives and their behavior than by what they watch or hear. If you tell a kid repeatedly about peace but act with violence, what lesson do you think that kid will learn?
Nothing in my regular everyday life fit with anything Jim said. I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t even know what the word “sin” meant until I was twelve and in a position to commit some of the more appealing ones.
And that is why, Dr. Dobson, you shouldn’t worry. Because education is not about what a kid sees on a screen. Education is about parents and teachers and other caring adults modeling the sort of values they hope to pass on. It’s not about content, it’s about what’s behind the content.
You can rest assured that the kids you tell evangelical parents to worry about will not come back from school, entirely changed and converted by watching “We Are Family” with some of their favorite cartoon characters at school.
But I wish they would. Because then there might be a chance that they won’t grow up to be paranoid, homophobic little bigots.
Oh, well. There’s always the opportunity to indoctrinate them in college. Another topic for another day, perhaps.
