Wal-Mart Baghdad to Sell Plastic Jesuses
Other retiailers up in arms
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by J Klein , 02.01.2005 Buy Fantastic Progressive Stickers, Buttons, Tees, and more!
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Halliburton isn’t the only one getting sweetheart deals in the cradle of civilization these days; Wal-Mart just secured an exclusive contract with the Bush Administration to be the Official Big Box store of the Newly Democratic Iraq.
That’s right: The first step to civilizing and Christianizing any barbarian is getting him quality clothes, home electronics, and lots of soap at bargain prices! And Wal-Mart delivers!
Just a handful of dinars will soon buy the best-knitted turbans in all of Shanghai, and more Emerson stereo equipment than could fit in all the caves of Tora Bora. Electricity? Who cares? We're not talking about dialysis machines, man! Deals like $8 Brittany Spears CDs are unheard of in the sweaty world of street markets, black markets, and illegal weapons markets that is Islam, and the crowds are expected to storm the sales floor on opening day.
Rumor has it that the Walton family has invested millions of dollars in GOP accounts to secure a 75-acre Persian Headquarters in the heart of Baghdad, with an attached Wal-Mosque Super Store perfect for future shoppers.
“Once these al-Salabis, Chalabis, and Wannabis get a taste of our shopping extravaganzas, prices are going to roll back like heads did in the darkest days of Saddam,” exclaimed Joe Walton, the little-known favorite cousin who was the model for the yellow happy face that knocks prices down to their knees in the new Iraqi ads scheduled to air on al-Jazeera. “And frankly, we’re not going to get any complaints about say, $15 a day for floor workers out here, or wimmin’s lib or any of that bull crap. Not here. Those Mideast Mexicans sure know how to work! The more hours in the day, the better! It’s an employer’s market, and that gives us the sharpest cutting edge over the neck of the competition. Well, if there were any competition, that is, but whatever. Yee-ha! It works for me. Thanks, Georgie!”
While most Iraqis know nothing of the multibillion-dollar company and family Walton name that’s as common in America as bin Laden is in the Arab world, they have shown a positive response to the fact that Wal-Mart is a hyphenated name, just like al-Qaeda. We all have our priorities.
Meanwhile, the first boatload of shiny consumer goodies is already on its way from China, carrying socks, X-boxes, dinnerware, Tupperware, Farberware, and Corningware preparing for the sale-starved Iraqis in a special shlock-and-awe grand opening, including a special shipment of plastic Jesuses for the formerly-oppressed Christians just chomping at the bit for the warehouse of religious freedoms that democracy provides.
After expert data mining of historical documents regarding Iraqi buying habits and predictions of the success of the coming Christianization campaigns, the retail giant has a leg up on the Mideast market, ready to shower it—and future employees and customers—with golden opportunities as yet unseen in the region, and plenty of Jesus kitch.
“Give us a year, and it's good-bye Allah, hello Jesus,” said Joe. “It's one big greenback missionary excursion, and we're saving souls, and making Benjamins! Amen, brutha! Pass the pork rinds!” (Pork rinds, Spam and other swine-related products are targeted for increase over the next 12 months as well, following the de-halalization procedures now under way, according to our source.)
Once Wal-Mart announced the exclusive, other chain stores began complaining of unfair treatment, just like little whiny countries in the UN who didn't support the war and now can't find any contracts in Iraq. Wah, wah.
Rregardless, resentment at other chain stores is as rampant as disconents in Falluja. Spokespeople for Target corp. complain not only that the name “Wal-Mart” means something bizarre and untranslatable in Arabic, akin roughly to “fuschia dung stick” but also that “Target” would be a much more accurate representation of America and Americans in the eyes of Iraqis, and therefore a better horse to ride into the searing desert of unknown Mideast Big Box commerce.
“Next time,” said one spokesman, “we'll just have to work a little harder to get to the uber-Pioneer level, I guess. Pork rind, anyone?”
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J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney.
DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process.
He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
