Fire of Freedom™ Kills Hundreds, Wounds Thousands in Iraq
Liberty is not all fun and games for tragic victims
Moments after the inspiring inaugural speech by President Bush, the Fire of Freedom™ of which he spoke broke free in Sunni-controlled parts of Iraq, killing hundreds of liberated Iraqis and injuring thousands more in its unrelenting rampage of emancipation.
Freedom and burns abounded, from the shy and subtly blushing first degree, the blistering second degree, or the obsessive, all-consuming third degree.
“I may have no skin left on my face, abdomen, or palms of my hands, but at least I’m free,” noted Walid Jalal, a Falluja computer programmer. “While I’m in pain now, and will continue to be for years of rehabilitation, it will all be worth it for the blessing of self-determination bestowed upon us without repayment. Thank you to the kind and compassionate conservative of Mr. Bush! May Allah bless him!”
Local fire chief Mahmoud al-Kanani had a different perspective. “It's arson,” he insists. “This was clearly a set up for the insurance, and we will reflect that in our official report, as soon as there is a government to report it to. Or insurance, for that matter.”
Treatment for burns is well known, but treatment for the burning of freedom is something Iraqis were completely unprepared for. Those whose constitutions were strong enough to survive the initial onslaught of liberty were treated by Red Cross and Red Crescent workers singing the official Fires of Freedom™ theme song, penned by long-time freedom-songwriter, ex-Attorney General John Ashcroft:
Do Not Extinguish!
Do Not Flinch!
The Fires of Freedom™
Won’t give an inch!Let it burn us!
For it does yearn us!
Towards a greater good!
(If we only understood)May the Eagle fly!
Over us humble men!
If I save but one eye!
I will work again!The flames of my homes!
Alight my holy tomes!
I change my Islamic wrath!
And humbly convert to Jesus’ path!Do Not Extinguish!
Do Not Flinch!
The Fires of Freedom™
Won’t give an inch!
Survivors were slathered with Ointment of Freedom™, bandaged in red, white, and blue gauze, and prayed for in tongues. Eggs were broken and omelets were fed with tough love to the hundreds. Two fishes and five loaves were miraculously broken into bite size pieces for about a dozen of the most influential disciples. And high-paying, respectable jobs were promised as soon as it was safe for Mickey D’s to start building.
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J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney.
DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process.
He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
