Three Miracles
It’s a Miracle!
PREACHER: Brothers and Sisters, we are gathered here today to bear witness to these rapidly approaching times at The End. The End, Brothers and Sisters! We known that it is The End, because it is ordained in our Holy Scriptures, "Left Behind", a Pulp Fiction Comic Book Series, Shyster and Shyster Publishing, Wacko, Texas 66666, © 1998, Rated “G”- Ages 10-14; that speaks clearly to us, the True Believers, of what Is to come; of The Rapture; and of The End of This Evil World, that the liberal and Democrat evildoers have consistently thrust upon us. Say Amen!
CONGREGATION: Amen!
PREACHER: But, even now, upon this day, in the Traditional Season of Old, Traditional Jesus, who served as Herald of The (Second) Coming of Powerful, New, Super-Sized, Golden Ninja, Terminator Jezzus; we have received a Sign that our fervent beliefs and constant, passionate inter feelings are TRUE, and correct! Hallelujah! Yes, my dearly beloved fellow believes; Terminator, Super-Sized, Moral-Free Jezzus has sent us a Sign, in the form of a Miracle!
It is hard to explain, this Miracle, this Sign from Jezzus’ Holy, Super-Sized, Golden-Fried, Titan Hand! But, it is thus: Imagine that, in spite of ALL my teaching to you, about the SIN of gambling; of spreading the money that you've earned by the Grace of BushCo, at Wal-Mart and Taco Bell, that SHOULD be going in the Silver Plate that Sister Mary Bell will pass around to you shortly; you, instead, went and squandered it, you "invested" it in a ticket of chance, in a state-sponsored, liberal-concocted lottery ticket. They cost one dollar, I hear, at Slim's Convenience Store, right down the street, here. I've even seen SOME of you in there. YOU know who I'm talkin' about (scanning the crowd).
But, imagine for a minute, that our Great President, George “Winner” Bush, had walked into a convenience store in Ohio; one in Florida, and one in New Mexico. And, in EACH of those states, he had bought ONE, just one, lottery ticket, as an investment for his old age and his family's security, just in case there happens to be no Social Security in, say, five years.
And then, try to imagine if our Great Lord and Prophet, George “Wisdom-of-the-Ages” Bush, had won ALL THREE lotteries, in ALL THREE states, ALL ON THE SAME NIGHT, that being November Second of this glorious year?
Would you consider THAT a MIRACLE, my brothers and sisters?
Sister Wanda Lou (going into a "spell" again): Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
PREACHER: Brother Jebalia, can you grab Sister Wanda and quite her down again? We can't have none of those strange, sexual thought of Sister Wanda Lou's here in the Sanctuary! Thank you, Brother Jeb.
But, by the Grace of Insensitive, New-Age Super-Ninja, Black Belt Jezzus; there's even more! That's right, my fellow True Believers in the Rapture-Ready-Redemption of Golden, Flying, Red, White and blue, Super Hero Jezzus; it gets EVEN BETTER!
Now, if you, or Sister Bertha, over there in the back - someone please revive Sister Bertha, or ANYONE won THREE LOTTERIES in THREE SEPERATE STATES of these Great United States of ours, all on the SAME NIGHT, would that be a MIRACLE?!
CONGREGATION: Yes, yes-s-s Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise Jez-z-z-zus!
PREACHER: Would THAT catch the attention of the liberal, blasphemin', Barbara Streisand-worshipin', Michael Moore-kissin' Press? Would those evildoin', Devil-worshipin' Liberal fools not even call it a MIRACLE, too? Maybe Dan Rather might even call that a MIRACLE, you think?
CONGREGATION: OH YES! HALAJULAH! New Jezzus is GOOD! New Jezzus is KIND to us! New Jezzus gonna get us outta here, before Donald Rumsfeld blows this planet sky high!
PREACHER: Get Mary Lou. She's about to faint. And, Wanda Lou, quit doin' that. Every time I mention the Lord Bush's name, you start doin' that - that thing. Now, just STOP it!
Where was I? Oh yeah. But, it gets better! Yes it does, Brothers and Sisters, it gets SO-O-O-O much better! Listen ... Be quite and listen to me, now. Sh-h-h-h-h ... Sh-h-h-h-h- (The Preacher pauses for a moment.)
What if I told you that George “War-to-End-All-Wars” Bush had won FIVE TIMES the amount that he had won from those three states, on November Second, 2004? Would THAT be a MIRACLE for ALL TIME? Would that be the equivalent of Old, Traditional Jesus risin' from the dead, or OJ Simpson gettin' off the hook, or Saxby Chambliss beatin’ Max Cleland?
You BET it would! George “Waiting-for-The-Big-One” Bush IS the Anointed Prophet of the (although not ever actually mentioned in the Bible) rapidly-approaching, “Holy” Rapture. Yes, my fellow True Believers, All American Hero, Terminator, “Nuke-'em-All!” Jez-z-z-z-zus has shown us a Sign, a TRUE Sign!
You see, the odds of winning the Ohio lottery is about, say, twenty million to one. Add Florida, that same night, at another twenty-five million, and you've got forty-five million to one. Add New Mexico on top of that – that’s about five million. It’s a small state - just a bunch of rabid Injuns runnin’ around. Well, you're up to fifty million to one. Not too shabby, right? But did our Great, Fearless Leader, George “Wish-We-Had-Any-Hope-or-Money-Left” Bush stop there?
CONGREGATION (gasping first, in silent awe): No?
PREACHER: You see all the exit polls, on the night of November Second, in Ohio, and Flor’da and Iowa, and EVERYWHERE, showed that flip-flopin', Jane Fonda-fornicatin', John Kerry was way, way in the lead! But, Super-Sized, Moral-Free, Titan, Bad-Ass Jezzus took care of THAT, didn't he, folks? Yes he did!
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!
PREACHER: Yes, my friends, our Brave New World, Army-of-One, Ninja Jezzus, with the help of Kenneth Blackwell in Ohio, our old friend, Karl Rove, and some of those computer nerd guys, mostly from Flor’da, made those votin' machines run backwards! Jezzus made them machines to run upside down, in places! He made those machines spit out all those nasty, sick ‘ol votes for ALL Democrats and especially John "Bronze Metal, Silver Metal” Kerry, and ONLY report votes for WHO, Brothers and Sisters?
CONGREGATION: George W. Bush, our New Lord of Ar-r-r-r-megeddon and Prophet of the Coming of The Big Pink Rapture Bunny in The Sky (Hey, it’s a comic book!), and The (Second) Coming of Heavy-Duty, Born-to-Kill, Terminator Jez-z-z-z-z-z-zus, who’s gonna take us all AWAY, real soon! Thanks Jez-z-zus! Hallelujah!
PREACHER: That's RIGHT, my Rapture-Ready Amigos! The ODDS that George “Why-vote-anyway?” Bush could have turned the vote around THAT LATE at night, and come from way, way, way behind John Kerry, in specific swing states, according to several high-level, top-notch statisticians is: ONE in TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION!!!!!!!!! And, what is THAT, my Brothers and Sisters?
CONGREGATION (going absolutely ape [Hey, what do you THINK happy Rapture Monkeys do at “church” [?]): IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!!! (The congregation is dancing (!) about the Sanctuary, singing, and throwing their hats, coats, bras and church programs in the air.)
PREACHER: Quite! QUITE, you idiots! Quite, I say! Hymn Number 118775, in your hymnals. Sister Claudia, if you please, play the organ, REAL loud!
Hymn Number 118775. PEOPLE! Get out your Hymnals. Turn to Hymn 118775:
Hymn 118775
What a friend we have in Blackwell! He's the one who rigged the vote. ‘ Gave us critical Ohio. Watch those nasty liberals croak!
They say that the vote was stolen. They say that we cheat and lie. Well, dear friends, it's only natural, With Sweet Jezzus by our side.
And, we rigged the vote in Flor'da. And in Texas, it is true. Next time, we'll get California, 'Fore our time on earth is through.
Thanks to Him for our friend, Diebold! Thanks once more for E-S(&)S! They delivered like they promised. Rigged “elections” work the best!
Jezzus “won” back in 2000. And, he “won” 2002. We’ll be “winning” now, forever! If you’re not with us, you are screwed …
_________ Enough of THAT bullshit! OK so, what’s “Miracle” Number 2 ? Somehow, “New, Moral-Free Jezzus” and his henchmen … have tricked the American media into TOTALLY ignoring the rampant voter fraud that took place ALL ACROSS America! There’s an almost total blackout of the rigged “election”, on radio, TV, and in the press.
How’d the Republicans DO that? The American press, radio and television has been a thorn in the side of Washington, for centuries, now. NOTHING would shut those guys up, before!
WHAT did BuschCo DO, when they seized power in 2000? Did they threaten the media and their families with total euphonasia? Is the so-called “shadow government” that lurks down in Dick Cheney’s basement, so powerful that they can come up and swallow anybody, anywhere in the media, without anybody else even noticing, kinda like H.G.Wells’ underground dwellers?
I mean, there’s PLENTY of racket about this scandal, all over the internet, and the European papers. There IS a Federal Judicial Committee investigating this, also (they got a few hour, one day, on C-SPAN). Still, the ONLY major media outlets in THIS country that have touched it, are MSNBC(!) and CNN, just briefly. PBS and NPR won’t come near it.
Maybe EVERYBODY in the media’s got one of those wire feeds in their back, like Dubya does (?).
I mean, this is DEFINITELY a BIGGER STORY than Iraq, or the UN scandal, and it’s domestic, too! Besides, after 2000, it was pretty much expected to happen. So, WHY aren’t they following it at all ?.
What's the OTHER, “Third Miracle” that this "Insensitive, New World Order Jezzus" and his ”followers” have performed? Somehow, they’ve gotten everybody to notice the voter fraud in Ukraine, way on the other side of the world; while TOTALLY ignoring "the log in one's own eye".
OK, what’s-his-face in Ukraine got poisoned. So what? We’re WAY beyond THAT! Airplane crashes, that take out most of the family, seem to be our state-of the-art assignation method, right now.
It’s hard to understand what’s up in America, these days, isn’t it? BTW, I hear that the GENUINE Jesus IS comin' back. And, they say he's REALLY pissed!
If I were you, I’d hide those comic books.
