BUSH_W32.jesusdoom Virus Wreaks Havoc
Virus crosses barrier from computers to humans
At a record-breaking pace, the BUSH_W32.jesusdoom virus has infected millions of computers, voting machines, and, in an unheard of turn of events—PEOPLE—throughout the country.
Originally thought to have been the cause of the widespread misrepresentation of voter intent on the Diebold and ESS “blackbox” voting machines, it seems that the epidemic is far more serious than simple election fraud.
Unknown to computer security—-or medical—-experts, the virus, which originated deep within the bowels of Karl Rove, jumped the once-unthinkable barrier from computer to human sometime in September 2004. While many human viruses have been traced to other species, it was pretty obvious to everyone that a piece of code had to have a computer to run. Apparently not.
According to obscure Cybermedical occult experts who had up to this point been sidelined and ridiculed like Tom Daschle at a GOP fundraiser in Texas, it seems that if computer viruses are created with a great enough concentration of pure evil they can become possessed by Republican and right-wing demons such as the spirits of Richard Nixon, Joe McCarthy, or Atilla the Hun. The uberconcentration of unadulterated badness can yank the unwitting yet eager spirits of deceased right wing demagogues straight out of the pits of hell and into a snippet of code embedded in a microchip that has been surgically implanted into the large intestine of Karl Rove. There were previously thought to be no concentrations of evil great enough to create this doomsday bug, but apparently hadn’t considered Rove’s colon power.
Regardless, while Democrats and other liberals were foolishly organizing get-out-the-vote drives, preparing for the largest voter turnout in 40 years, hoping beyond hope that actual people could affect a democracy, the wicked seed was multiplying in the belly of the beast.
In early August, Rove birthed the virus, which, after a deep cleaning of the microchip, was placed in the motherboard of a Diebold FY-2004 election-control device. Once connected to the Internet, the virus spread like hatred and hallelujahs at a Southern Baptist retreat in Dade county, sending out millions of infected e-mails with the misleading subject line “Hot & horny underage Republican sluts want your personal donation!”
Once opened, the e-mail replicated itself and send out emails to the entire address book of the recipient, made the maximum $2000 personal donations to the GOPs fundraising website from the recipient’s checking account, and blocked all liberal websites on the host computer.
28 days later, BUSH_W32.jesusdoom jumped to its first human host, a Mr. Irving Smithson in Mobile, Alabama, a lifelong Independent and undecided voter in the 2004 election.
Having no antibodies to the unknown attacker, Mr. Smithson’s body was ravaged by the disease. His mild-mannered personality changed to one of virulent hatred towards gays, lesbians, liberals, furriners, and other commie sympathizers. He demanded tax cuts for his bosses and the forced impregnation of the sisters at the local nunnery—with no abortions allowed without written consent from the Pope.
His vociferous spittle carried the contagion and landed on people as far away as 35 feet from his rantings, infecting them in a matter of minutes.
The virus spread from Mobile, throughout Alabama and the southern states, reaching epidemic proportions within days.
Sadly, the symptoms of the virus are undifferentiatable from the behavior of many right-wing talk radio listeners and religious leaders, and the diseases rampage went unnoticed until after the election, when surviving Democrats and liberals investigated the unexpected electoral outcome.
Thankfully, due to a firm ideological wall between states like New York or California and the evangelical southern states, the infection was unable to spread among most of the population of the so-called “blue” states.
A vaccine has been produced at the University of California, Berkeley, which will prevent the infection in humans, and has been added to all soy milk and natural juice stocks throughout the country.
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the ravages of the disease, and the hate-spewing zombification of loved ones cannot be reversed. They will continue to sound just like, and listen to Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage (whose birth name is Michael Weiner, making his program, Weiner Nation), and Scott McClellan. They will, sadly, have limited insight and independent thought for the rest of their natural lives.
All we can recommend is that you lovingly smother them in their sleep before they do more damage.
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Donny Goldman is the Assistant Editor and occasional contributing writer for DMY.
