Everything I Know About Voting for Bush...
I Learned in High School
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do and how to be Republican I learned in High School. Wisdom was not at the top of the educational mountain, but there in Poppy’s country club. These are the things I learned:
Take everything you can get your hands on.
Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.
The ends justify the means, as long as we’re winning. And the meaner the means, the better.
Humiliate those who are different than you.
Let underclassmen clean up your messes. Pay them if you have to but twist their arms into it if possible.
Sports are more important than books. Books are for fags, anyway, and you can always hire a black woman to read to you.
When you hurt someone, convince them it’s their fault.
Jack Daniels is the answer to many of life’s problems. Or maybe Jesus. Whatever.
Take lots of vacation—you never know when people are going to want you to actually do something.
If in doubt, lie. If you’re caught, lie about lying. Do it boldly.
Likability and popularity is more important than intelligence, education, morals, the truth, or pretty much anything. Except money. And Poppy’s friends.
If you can bully your way out of something, all the better.
Every problem is some kind of nail. It has to be. 'Cuz all I know how to use is this hammer...
If you make a mistake, play it cool and pretend it never happened. No matter what.
Fuck the seed in the little cup, fuck wonder, fuck education, fuck the kids, fuck taxes, fuck government, and go fuck yourself. Especially Pat Leahey.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule (Them with the gold makes the rules) and conditional love, lying, and basic sales.
Apologies and appreication to Robert Fulghum, Author of “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”
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J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney.
DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process.
He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
