Carl Estrada to Marion
October 21, 2004
Marion “Pat” Robertson
CBN Partner Correspondence
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23463
Dear “Pat,”
I just don’t know who to believe anymore!
First you said the Lord told you His Highness, Our President is going to win “in a blowout!”
Now you say the popular vote is going to be “razor thin” but His Highness, Our President will win by a “substantial margin” in the electoral college.
I think Our Lord is Flip-Flopping! I’ve already got lots of money on a blowout in the popular vote based on your tip! If I lose this bet, the 700 Club won’t be getting my quarter this year!
How much of a “substantial margin” does the Lord say His Highness, Our President will win by in the electoral college? Maybe there’s still time for me to make another bet.
By the way, did you notice I call Our President “His Highness” now? I think He needs a new title, don’t you? Our President sounds so--well--presidential. I think we need something grander for His second term. I know you agree. Here’s what you said:
“God’s blessing is on him. It’s the blessing of heaven on the emperor.”
Do you think “His Highness” is grand enough? Maybe “His Holiness” would be better. Please advise.
Anyway, I never thought I’d have to choose between Our Lord and His Highness, Our President, but that’s the very spot I’m in, all because of your conversations with the two of Them. First, you told His Highness:
“The Lord told me (Iraq) was going to be a) a disaster and b) messy.”
Are you sure the Lord said “messy?” Rumsfeld said it was “untidy.” Maybe the Lord said “untidy” but you thought He said “messy.” You heard Him wrong on His popular vote prediction. Maybe you heard Him wrong again.
Anyway, you warned His Highness that there would be lots of casualties, but He just said, “I’m going to privatize social security.”
Ha ha--just kidding. He says he didn’t use the word privatize. Here’s what His Highness says He didn’t tell you:
“Oh no, we’re not going to have any casualties.”
But Karen Hughes, His Highness’ campaign advisor said this about you:
“He must have misunderstood or misheard it.”
You see? There’s always a simple explanation for these things. You misheard His Highness, just like you misheard the Lord when He told you His Highness would win in a blowout in the electoral college.
If you would just think this through, it would be obvious! If His Highness had said, “Oh no, we’re not going to have any casualties,” what would that be?
A mistake.
Where have you been, Marion “Pat” Robertson?! Don’t you know His Highness, Our President doesn’t make mistakes?!
We’ve had over eight thousand casualties! And that’s just Americans! We lost count of Iraqi casualties a long time ago! Do the math! If His Highness, Our President said, “Oh no, we’re not going to have any casualties,” His numbers would be wrong by eight thousand and counting!
I think you’d better get your hearing checked.
By the way, what does the Lord’s voice sound like? I always thought He’d sound like James Earl Jones. Or maybe Johnny Cash. Maybe He sounds like Phyllis Diller to you because you can’t hear low frequencies.
You never answered my question about why you changed your name from Marion Robertson to “Pat.” Did the Lord tell you to change it? What if you heard Him wrong?
A hundred bucks says His Highness, Our President wins in a blowout! (In the electoral college.)
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
