Stoofing the Draft
Carl Estrada to george w. bush
October 20, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
Your Excellency,
OH NO-O-O! The dreaded blump strikes again!
It was even worse than a blump. First You stoofed! Then You did a triple combination squink/confinkle/blump followed by a smurkle and a blacho.
Glossary of Terms
Stoof: When You goof and stumble on Your words.
Blump: When You get a blank look on Your face because You’re stumped.
Squink: When You squint and think at the same time.
Confinkle: When You get confused and wrinkle Your forehead.
Smurkle: A cross between a smirk and a chuckle.
Blacho: A macho bluff.
It all started out innocently enough--the bright Daytona sun gave no hint of the impending disaster to come. You were giving Your standard stump speech about how Your opponent is more liberal than Ted Kennedy and how he’s a Flip-Flopper and how only You are a STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADER who will make us SAFE! from a mushroom cloud.
You were doing a great job of reading Your speech and pronouncing most of the words right--and then it happened! The dreaded moment:
“After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain we will not have an all-volunteer army!"
The crowd gasped! A look of horror appeared on every face. Everyone knew You had stoofed! Everyone but You.
“And yet this week..." you continued. But voices from the crowd called out to correct you:
“Uhhh...Your Excellency, did You mean we will have a volunteer army?”
“Will have a volunteer army, Your Excellency!”
“Will have...Will have!” they called. And this time, no police moved to haul them away.
That was when You consquinkelumped. A consquinkelump is when You blump, squink, and confinkle, either all at the same time or in rapid succession.
Then You blachoed: “We will have an all-volunteer army!"
The crowd cheered with glee as they could see His Excellency, once again, blasting His way through a rough patch! And then the punchline:
“Let me restate that: We will not have a draft!”
Bedlam! The good folks of Daytona, Florida were as happy as if they had heard that all the Democratic ballots got lost! They cheered and cheered! They waved their flags and banners and chanted Your name and it was a lovefest because You are OUR GREAT COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF! OUR STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADER! who will make us SAFE! And while they cheered and chanted and waved and adored You, here’s what You did:
You smirkelachoed. A smirkelacho is a blacho-smirkle combo. You smirk and chuckle and bluff and act macho, all at the same time!
All I can say is it’s a good thing everybody in the crowd signed a Loyalty Oath before they could get in! Can you imagine what would have happened if one of your enemies had been there when you stoofed? They would have called You a Flip-Flopper! They would have said You weren’t making us SAFE! They would have booed or laughed or tried to ask You a “gottcha” question like:
“Your Excellency: since, according to Your Christian beliefs, every life is sacred--even the smallest embryo--how do you justify your record as Texas governor of the most capitol punishments in U.S. history; how do you justify record numbers of asthma and cancer related deaths due to your lowering restrictions on air and water pollution; how do you justify bombing the bejesus out of foreign countries and killing and maiming thousands of innocent men, women, and children?”
No--it’s a good thing every single person who came to see You signed a Loyalty Oath. Here’s what they signed:
“I, (full name) ... do herby endorse George W. Bush for reelection of the United States... In signing the above endorsement you are consenting to use and release of your name by Bush-Cheney as an endorser of President Bush."
I have a question: What does herby mean?
Anyway, Your Loyalty Oath is a good idea, but after Your last stoof and blump, I think we should add an amendment. Here’s what we should add:
“I herby promise that if His Excellency stoofs or blumps, I will help Him by shouting out the right answer until he says it right and smurkles, at which time I will know His crisis has passed.”
By the way, did You notice I call You “Your Excellency” now? I just thought we should get ready for Your second term with a new look. Start fresh! Get a makeover! If the crown fits, wear it!
Your Loyal and Humble Servant,
Carl Estrada
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
