Bush's Nigerian Spam
MR. GEORGE W. BUSH
PRESIDENTBUSH@DEMOCRACYMEANSYOU.COM
WASHINGTON, DC
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
DEAR CEO FRIEND,
MY NAME IS GEORGE W. BUSH, SON OF A WEALTHY OIL SALESMAN KNOWN FOR THROWING UP ON JAPANESE PRIME MINISTERS. AS WELL I AM THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO KARL ROVE, THE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL REPUBLICAN PARTY AND MINISTRY OF CORPORATE CONTRIBUTION.
I AM WRITING IN RESPECT OF A FOREIGN CUSTOMER OF MY ORGANIZATION (MR. SADDAM HUSSEIN) WHO WAS REMOVED FROM POWER AND CAPTURED BY PROXY REPRESENTATIVES FROM MY ORGANIZATION, AND SINCE HAVING DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY FROM PUBLIC VIEW. FEARS FOR HIS LIFE MAY BE WELL FOUNDED, AS HE HAS MUCH INFORMATION REGARDING CERTAIN SENSITIVE INFORMATION. YOU CAN CONFIRM THIS THROUGH THIS WEB SITE:
HTTP://WWW.DEMOCRACYMEANSYOU.COM
IRREGARDLESS OF HIS LIFE, SINCE THE DISAPPEARANCE OF MR. HUSSEIN, I HAVE PERSONALLY WAITED TO ASSIST ANYONE WHO WILL PRESENT HIMSELF OR HERSELF AS HIS REPLACEMENT DESPOT IN THE MIDDLE EAST REGION KEEPING STRONG TIES TO OUR ORGANIZATION, OR AT LEAST BEING REPOSITORY FOR VAST SUMS SPENT ON OUR ALLIED ORGANIZATIONS, BUT ALL WITHOUT SUCCESS, AS NO ONE HAS EVER COME FORWARD TO CLAIM A DEPOSIT OF EIGHTY-SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS US ($87,000,000,000USD) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH OUR TREASURY FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.
ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOM HIS NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE REPLACEMENT, SINCE NO ONE HAS COME UP TO PUT UP CLAIM AS THE REPLACEMENT TO MR. SADDAM HUSSEIN, HIS SONS BEING DEAD, AND PUBLIC SUSPICION OF OUR RELATED ORGANIZATIONS SUCH AS HALLIBURTON OR BECHTEL OR ALCOA OR HARKEN OR VIACOM AND THEIR SUBSIDIARIES, HAS INCREASED TO THE POINT THAT WE CANNOT TRANSFER SAID FUNDS TO THAT BRANCHES OF OUR ORGANIZATION THROUGH CONVINCEABLE MEANS.
OUR ETHICS AND TRADITION DO NOT ALLOW SUCH MONEY TO STAY MORE THAN FOUR MONTHS, SINCE AFTER FOUR MONTHS THE MONEY WILL HAVE BEEN UNSPENT ON POLITICAL FAVORS OR EVEN KICK BACKS. KEEPING THAT SUM UNSPENT WOULD BE A BREACH OF OUR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY AND IN DIRECT CONFLICT WITH THE PRACTICES OF SAID REPUBLICAN PARTY AND ITS SPONSORS.
IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY ORGANIZATION’S CAMPAIGN FINANCE AND ELECTORAL MISSION AFTER I WAS CONVINCED IN MY MIND THAT YOUR COMPANY COULD BE USED AS THE BARREL FOR THIS PORK. THE IMPORTANCE OF A CORPORATE EXECUTIVE AS A PARTNER IN THIS TRANSACTION IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE MR. HUSSEIN HAD MUCH BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH CORPORATIONS IN OUR ORGANIZATION, BOTH DOMESTICALLY AND ABROAD AS CAN BE SEEN ON THIS WEBSITES:
www.cnn.com/2002/US/09/30/sproject.irq.regime.change
www.msnbc.com/news/812805.asp
ADDITIONALLY, YOUR POSITION IS SEEN AS OUR ORGANIZATION TO BE ADVANTAGEOUS IN THE COLLECTION OF FUTURE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS AND PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT.
I HAVE ARRANGED THAT 20% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR STANDING AS THE PARTNER AND FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT, TOTALING $17,400,000,000USD FOR OFFICIAL CONTRACTED NATIONAL SECURITY SERVICES, WHILE 5% OF THIS SUM WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF ANY EXPENSES THAT MIGHT BE INCURRED ON BOTH SIDES, IN THE PROCESS OF THIS TRANSFER AND THE REST WILL BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES IN THE UPPER INCOME BRACKETS. ADDITIONALLY, 10% WILL BE SENT BY YOU AS “SOFT MONEY” CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS OVER THE NEXT TWELVE (12) MONTHS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
IN RETURN, I WILL VISIT YOUR COMPANY FOR PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES OF WHICH WILL BE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL, AS THEY WERE FOR OTHER ORGANIZATIONS SUCH AS HOME DEPOT, WAL-MART, ENRON, TYCO, AND WORLDCOM.
AT THIS JUNCTURE, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH FREE, AND HENCE YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR AS THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT REQUIRED FOR THE TRANSFER HAS BEEN PERFECTED. YOU CAN RESPOND TO ME THROUGH MY PERSONAL EMAIL: 202 456 1414
THE SWITCHBOARD OF MY PERSONAL SECRETARIES. WHEN YOU REACH THEM ASK TO BE CONNECTED PERSONALLY TO ME, EXPLAINING THAT YOU ARE THE RECIPIENT OF OUR MUTUAL AGREED SUM AND THAT YOU WERE THE SOLE RECIPIENT OF AN E-MAIL OFFERING THIS. IF NO ANSWER IS TAKEN, LEAVE A MESSAGE.
BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNTS INVOLVED, IT IS NECESSARY TO CONFIRM YOUR IDENTITY. A SECRET PASS WORD IS GIVEN TO YOU HERE, WHICH IS “MONKEY,” AND YOU ARE TO MENTION THIS THREE TIMES, INTERSPERSED AT RANDOM IN YOUR PHONE MESSAGE TO ME. I WILL THEN RETURN YOUR CALL IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY IT DIRECTLY THREE TIMES IN A ROW.
I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR MUTUAL BENEFICIAL BUSINESS DEALINGS.
BEST REGARDS,
MR. GEORGE W. BUSH
WASHINGTON
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Version More articles by this author, J Klein J Klein is the creator of DemocracyMeansYou and occasionally writes and pens cartoons for the site. He lives in an undisclosed location in North Carolina with Dick Cheney. DemocracyMeansYou was started as both an artistic response to the ubiquitous flag stickers after 9/11 (the THINK sticker was the impetus for the whole shebang), and a forum for liberal and progressive opinion, humor (always important), and inspiring / urging / demanding participation in the democratic process. He has written for various publications and websites over the years, has worked as a licensed Psychiatric Technician with both the mentally ill and the developmentally disabled; worked as a mechanic for several years; worked for local government promoting ridesharing and alternative transportation in California; quantifying school accountability for California schools; and marketing writing and web design.
