War on Terror Expands--To Hollywood
About time, no?
A new front in the country's War on Terror was opened today.
In a hastily called press conference, President George W. Bush announced, "In our effort to bring terrorism to its knees, the United States of America has expanded the scope of our targets. At approximately 12:30 am Washington time, and consistent with my duties as Commander in Chief, I directed Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to commence bombing Hollywood, California.
In particular, three movie studios were targeted: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Universal and Warner Bros... Let there be no mistake: not only will we pursue the doers of evil, we will bring the wrath of God and country on the makers of evil as well. For some months now, the CIA and FBI have been compiling intelligence on these makers of evil. We have thousands upon thousands of examples of naked bodies being shown on film, cuss words being bandied about as if normal people really swear. You want terror? We have pictures of a guy named Jason in a hockey mask slicin' and dicin' up teenagers! It terrorized me so much Laura had to have my teddy bear shipped from Crawford just so I could sleep! We've been keepin' our eyes on these studios since I stole, I mean, won the election. The last straw came when I saw this picture of two fellers holdin' hands and then kissin' each other! What the hell kinda evil is that? That was when I put my call into Rumsfeld, Now, either these movie studios are with us or against us! Either they make only G rated movies or we turn 'em into parkin' lots"!
Asked by veteran AP reporter Helen Thomas if he had lost his mind, the president replied, "listen, you dried up old hag, you're either with me or against me". Thomas was immediately dragged from the room by Secret Service agents. Reports she had been sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for incarceration could not be confirmed.
Following the president, Secretary Rumsfeld responded to questions. Asked about casualty figures, Rumsfeld replied, "Who cares? They're mainly Jews, homos, liberals and other assorted riff raff. The president will carry California in 2004 even if we have to incinerate every damn leftist in the state".
When pushed to explain why FOX studio was left unscathed, Rumsfeld exploded. "For Chrissakes! Bruce Willis and Schwarzenegger work there! They make good American family films! You know, ones with lots of shooting and killing of foreigners and stuff. Hey, these guys have families to feed. Arnold is married to a Kennedy, dammit! Those Irish Catholics spit out babies like hittin' a jackpot on a quarter slot machine".
When Rumsfeld was questioned by CNN reporter Wolf Blitzer if the actor's affiliation with the GOP had any bearing on their decision, the Secretary replied, "LOOK.....OVER THERE", while pointing to a rear window. He quickly fled the room while the reporter's attention was diverted. Blitzer was then whisked away by masked DOD employees. Reports he was being flown to Cuba for a tropical "vacation" could not be confirmed.
Initial reports from Hollywood indicated massive destruction on the movie lots. One bystander was amazed at what he saw. "These special affects people are getting better all the time. They must be making Pearl Harbor II", said a historically oblivious Bob Strait, unaware the inferno he was witnessing was real.
Smoke could be seen as far away as San Diego. On scene, fire department personnel threw their hands up in frustration and walked away. Said Fire Chief Paul McCarteny, "Sheesh, we're used to saving mansions from brush fires. We don't have a clue what to do here. Do you know of any brush fires anywhere?"
Governor Gray Davis declared a state of emergency. Said Davis, "I guess that's what I'm supposed to do, right?"
