Aaron for Governor of California

It's all you need to recall in the voting booth

by MD Aaron , 08.13.2003 DMY Homepage E-mail this article Discuss in Forums Printer-Friendly Version Buy Fantastic Progressive Stickers, Buttons, Tees, and more! Get our semi-weekly newsletter to find out about our newest articles and get exclusive store discounts! Enter your e-mail here: MORE ARTICLES YOU'LL ENJOY: Briefly from the Deep South The Lucinator and the Gropinator Weep for the Children of Waco The Gospel According to Luke Short & Sweet Luke Angelo The Gospel According to Luke This Be Luke: The New Kid on the Block Tony Blair's Dilemma California: State of Emergency A Terminal Condition Lynching America Now This is REALLY Gay Lies About The Iraq War Arab Like Us It's Just Not One Problem President On celebrities and politics War and Other Disorders On celebrities and politics Fighting a War That's Already Been Lost

I am thinking of running on the Balloon Party ticket. Here's my platform:

• I pledge to cater shamelessly to special interests.
• I promise to agree with the last person who just left my office.
• In the interests of serving the public, I will send every Californian
• $1. Those who agree to direct electronic deposit and save us the postage will get $1.37. All other services will be cut, but hey, it's your money, you worked hard for it, so we're giving it back. Really rich dudes will get *$2* so they won't want to move to Nevada.
• I will give every adult male over the age of eighteen a red helium-filled balloon with "Your Government Dollars at Work" on it (but you have to come to Sacramento to collect it in person.)
• Fundamentalists should note that I am named after the most famous mouthpiece in the Bible. Gaseous utterances with no substance come naturally to me.
• As Governor, I will let everyone read anything they want to, including comic books and cereal boxes, but I will mandate fill-in-the-bubble standardized comprehension tests for everyone under 89. Why should kids be the only ones who get a day off playing with Number Two pencils?
• Ukulele lessons and values education will also be mandatory.
• I promise to scream and level accusations louder than anybody else.
• Instead of casino or slot gambling, I will install toilets where people--ideally poor people--can place their money, pull the chain, and hear a loud noise. Revenues so collected will be dedicated to paying the 30-60 million dollars for this stupid recall election, or maybe we'll flush it straight out into the Pacific Ocean--we're all about flexibility here.

Aaron for Governor! No worse than many other options! Elect the big balloon!

PS: I will make my boyfriend my Lieutenant-Governor. He points out that he can really sympathize with the unemployed because he's unemployed himself and can use the work... However, he's too paranoid for me to mention his name here.