Terrorists Toss Tea Into Boston Harbor
British Crown Promises Zero Tolerance
One of our first articles, this masterpiece by(and our only article by) Kathleen Palmer dials in the truth about so much of the War on Terror.
LONDON—In what can only be called an affront to decency and all that we hold dear as loyal citizens of the Crown, terrorists in the Massachusetts Colony have dumped a substantial amount of quality tea into Boston Harbor, in an attempt to force Mother England to rescind what they call "Taxation Without Representation," specifically, the current, rather modest, tea tax. Dressed as the uncivilized savages that previously inhabited this area of the New World, the terrorists sent crates and crates of tea overboard and into the drink, causing black, oil-like spills that crept out of the Harbor and all along the eastern seaboard. Although impact on the environment is still being determined, early, though unsubstantiated, reports cite frenetic, caffeinated schools of fish darting nervously about and mounting random attacks on fishing vessels. On the plus side, local fisherman Jebediah Harcross has reported a marked increase in demand for his "Loopy Lobster," which apparently provides the jolt of energy previously enjoyed from a good cup of Earl Grey.
His Royal Highness and the British Army have released this joint statement: "We will not rest, we will not tire. Those responsible for this heinous waste of good tea will be brought to justice, and it will be swift and brutal. We can have only zero tolerance for this kind of traitorous activity in our remote Colonies. As this proclamation is being released, already hundreds of powerful sailing ships, armed with state-of-the-art musketry and cannons, are making the long, treacherous journey across the sea to find and destroy the terrorists wherever they may hide. Make it known that if you aid or abet a terrorist, you are a terrorist. You are either with us, or with the terrorists." The King then played a round of croquet, executed a few prisoners, and took a nap.
The retaliation against these terrorists, called "The TET-ley Offensive," has the full funding and endorsement of the House of Lords, the House of Commons, and especially the Wainwright Battle Shipbuilders' Union Local 121. Patriotism is at an all-time high, in London and the outlying burgs, with British citizens proudly displaying the Union Jack in carriage windows, on lampposts, in taverns, and pasted on the backsides of horses. Some creative types have fashioned sandwich boards, placards and signs supportive of the pending military strike. Examples include "NO VEXATION WITHOUT RETALIATION" and "AREN'T COLONIES MADE BY ANTS?" and the ever-popular "A BRIT WON'T SIT FOR THIS SHIT". Nigel Smithe-Weeth, a local sign-maker in Devonshire, has had to take on three new apprentices to keep up with the requests.
His Royal Highness wishes us to mention that all loyal citizens should keep a keen watch of their neighbors, friends, guests from foreign nations, and those who disagree too loudly with the Crown. Accomplices of the tea-tossers could be anywhere.
Those interested in donating to the cause are strongly encouraged to send as much or as little as they see fit to: The Wainwright Fund, 12-34 East Haverford-on-the-Surrey, London.
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