Rules for Being a Republican

Directions: Follow in lockstep until all taxes are repealed, Jesus is President, and Police are privatized. Repeat.

by Guest Columnist , 09.01.2003 DMY Homepage E-mail this article Discuss in Forums Printer-Friendly Version Buy Fantastic Progressive Stickers, Buttons, Tees, and more! Get our semi-weekly newsletter to find out about our newest articles and get exclusive store discounts! Enter your e-mail here: MORE ARTICLES YOU'LL ENJOY: Hearing Voices Breaking News Viola's Cracking Up Damsels in Distress Ten Holes In Free Trade Theory CHENEY MAY FEIGN HEART ATTACK TO GAIN ELECTION EDGE Healana I WANT MY FLU SHOT! Stoofing the Draft The Betrayal Carl Estrada to Marion Liberty? Carl Tries to Vote AL GORE's speech October 18, 2004 Leadership Happens Video Veterans For An Effective War On Terrorism Circumcising the World Pre-Emptive Pie-Hole Policy Not An Option Karl Can We Trust Economists on Free Trade?

Easy to follow rules for being a Republican in this confusing day and age. Author unknown.

1) You must believe that being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and requires our prayers for your "recovery".

2) You have to truly believe that people, who are privileged from birth, achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, AND that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Kali.

7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

8)You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions effecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of welfare, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10) You hate the ALCU for representing atheists and homos, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for gov! ernor of California as a Republican.

13) You have to believe i t is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

15) You have to believe that federally funded universal health insurance is socialist and wrong, and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy, but providing health care to all Americans is the epitome of socialism.

17) You believe that "tobacco's link to cancer" and "global warming" are "junk science", but creationism should be taught in schools.

18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam, but right in Iraq.

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we-can't-find-Bin Laden" diversion.

20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers explicitly named in the Constitution, except for banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but that Bush was right to censor 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

23) You support state's rights, which means Ashcroft telling the states, which locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's ("Whitewater") is of vital national interest, but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communistic and oppressive, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.