Pentagon Calls on LAPD
Support our troops by making sure the contraband is found. One way or another.
Washington—The Pentagon today issued a request for defense contractors to submit proposals for a "COPS Brigade." This subcontracted new department will be part of the post "Operation Iraqi Freedom" mop-up operations, and will be assigned the important task of what they describe as "Assured Evidence Discovery," or AED.
According to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: "We will not spare a penny to achieve success in our campaign of shock and awe, and in order to protect the morale of the hard fighting troops in Iraq, we want to make sure that the goal of disarmament is achieved. Success is attained by insuring that we find weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi theater. The DAED will provide that guarantee."
Rumsfeld was quick to point out that "Assured Evidence Discovery" is no more akin to "evidence planting" than "Collateral Damage" is to "dead civilians."
"This is a procedure with a long, respected history in both law enforcement and international politics. Without AED, the Rosenbergs would never have been convicted, Leonard Peltier would still be a threat to national security, countless suspected drug users would continue possibly using drugs, and numerous other terrorists would be on the loose, wreaking who knows what kind of havoc in our great country. And there would be a whole lot more coloreds out on the street."
Portions of the request were leaked by high ranking Department of Defense (DOD) officials. It reads in part, "The Department of Defense seeks to exploit the experience of law enforcement personnel with Assured Evidence Discovery experience. In reviewing proposals, DOD will provide priority consideration to proposals utilizing veterans of the civil rights movement. Additional priority consideration will be given to contractors who successfully incorporate the effective use of hanging chads."
Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, as was former Police Chief Daryl Gates of the L.A.P.D., who has been slated to train the AED squad once the contract has been finalized.
