Tag Team Wrestling
Carl Estrada to Dick Cheney
October 4, 2004
Vice President Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Vice President Cheney,
TAG! You’re it! You’re up, Big Guy!
Do you ever watch wrestling? My favorite part is the tag-team matches. One guy from each team fights for a while, and then if somebody gets into trouble, he tags his partner and his partner gets into the ring and helps him out.
And now we have: The Epic Tag Team Grudge Match of All-Time!
“Ladies and gentlemen! In the left hand corner, the challengers. The Masters of Mixed Messages, the Effete Elitists, the Apocalyptic Appeasers--let’s hear it for:
The Flip-Flopping Frenchman and the Inexperienced Pretty-Boy Trial Lawyer!
BOO-OO-OO!!!
And NOW! On my right--The CHAMPIONS! One was born in Connecticut but says He’s from Texas! One is from Texas, but says he lives in Wyoming! They’re STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADERS! They STAY ON MESSAGE! They’re WORKING HARD to MAKE AMERICA SAFE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER AND GIVE IT UP FOR:
THE MASKED DESTROYER AND THE INCREDIBLE HULK!
YA-A-A-AYYYYY!!!!
You’re probably wondering why Our President is wearing a mask. In tag team matches, somebody always wears a mask. I thought Our President would make a good Masked Destroyer. That way he can *smowl and **blutter and ***confinkle and do all the ****Triple-Reverse-Cheneys he wants, and no one will know!
Anyway, the Masked Destroyer got into all kinds of trouble in His first match with the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, so now it’s up to you (The Incredible Hulk) to rough up the Inexperienced Pretty- Boy Trial Lawyer! Put him in a headlock and give him a noogie! Mess up his hair! He’ll never get over it!
The kid is green! He’s never been in with an old pro! Here’s what you do:
Say the Inexperienced Pretty-Boy Trial Lawyer brings up that Congressional Research Service Report saying you still own 433,333 shares of Halliburton stock. Say he accuses you of having a Halliburton deferred compensation account worth close to a $1 million. Say he mentions your Halliburton retirement account worth close to $15,000 dollars. He’ll probably say “Halliburton” more than Our President said, “We’re workin’ hard.”
You know the drill! Just say:
“I've severed all my ties with the company, gotten rid of all my financial interest. I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind and haven't had, now, for over three years."
Be sure to drone. People get bored when you drone. Their brains get thick and they point the remote and switch to “Let’s Make a Deal.”
Say the Inexperienced Pretty-Boy Lawyer reminds people that your secret Energy Task Force met six times with Enron CEO Ken Lay. Say he reminds them that you were forced to turn over March 2001 documents containing a map of Iraqi oil fields, pipelines, refineries and terminals, two charts detailing Iraqi oil and gas projects, and a document titled: “Foreign Suitors for Iraqi Oilfield Contracts.” Say he asks why you still won’t turn over details of those meetings even though you’ve been ordered to by the courts. Here’s what you say:
“I want to protect the ability of the president and the vice president to get unvarnished advice from any source we want."
Say it ve-e-r-r-y slo-o-o-wly. Your eyes are getting he-ea-v-v-vy......
You see how easy? It’s like shooting ducks at a carnival. Speaking of shooting ducks--Say the Inexperienced Pretty-Boy Trial Lawyer reminds people that three weeks after the Supreme Court decided to hear your Energy Task Force appeal, you took Justice Antonin Scalia duck hunting. No problem! Just say:
“Go f*** yourself!”
Then back the Pretty-Boy into your corner of the ring so The Masked Destroyer can bash him over the head with a chair! While the Flip-Flopping Frenchman is complaining to the referee, Gwen Ifill, she’ll have her back turned and you can put a strangle hold on the Pretty-Boy Lawyer while The Masked Destroyer does a cannonball from the top rope and lands on his head! They always do that in tag-team wrestling!
Then Team Masked Destroyer/Incredible Hulk can slam-dunk the Flip-Flopping Frenchman in the rematch! Just like when you teamed up and slam-dunked the 9-11 Commission hearings!
Another thing I like about wrestling is--nobody cares who wins or loses! We all know it’s rigged! We just like good old-fashioned American entertainment!
THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPIONS:
THE MASKED DESTROYER AND THE INCREDIBLE HULK!
YA-A-A-AYYYYY!!!!
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
Glossary of Terms
*Smowl: A cross between a smirk and a scowl.
**Blutter: When Our President gets nervous and blinks His eyes really fast so they flutter like a hummingbird.
***Confinkle: When Our President gets confused and wrinkles His forehead.
****Triple-Reverse-Cheney: When Our President gets mad and He grabs the side of His mouth in His teeth and tilts it downward.
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
