Crystalized Thoughts: Part 3
Carl Estrada to george w. bush
September 28, 2004
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I know--this gets boring. But the debate is only two days away! We have to practice!
OK, let’s see if Your thoughts have crystalized yet. Try this one:
McNeill Lehrer: “Oh, Wondrous, Mighty Leader of the Free Christian World, now that one of Your closest Arab allies, King Abdullah of Jordan, has said that it would be ‘impossible’ to hold Iraqi elections in Iraq under the current state of chaos, and if we did, the extremist factions would have the advantage because they would be the best organized, do You now think the goal of holding January elections is ‘living in Fantasyland?’ ”
You: “The world is a uhhh... safer place with uhhh... Osama bin Laden behind prison bars!”
No-o-o! Mr. President, stop *smurkling! This isn’t funny!
Rule #1: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mention Osama bin Laden’s name!
Rule # 2: See Rule # 1.
(See correct answers and glossary at bottom of page.)
Ok, let’s try another one:
McNeill Lehrer: “Oh, Wondrous, Mighty Leader of the Free Christian World, once again it has been announced that Floridians should be on special alert for terrorist attacks on election day, although there have been no new threats and there is no “specific information.” Do You think the administration is beginning to resemble the boy who cried wolf?”
You: “We must whip the terrorists here at home so we don't have to face them in Iraq!”
Focus Sir, focus! You can’t just **blacho Your way through this! The Flip-Flopping Frenchman is the best debator since Cicero! He’ll tear You apart! OK, one more try:
McNeill Lehrer: “Oh, Wondrous, Mighty Leader of the Free Christian World, since You can’t think of a single mistake You’ve ever made, would You conclude that next to Your mentor, Jesus Christ, You are the most perfect being in Creation?
You: “My opponent is sending mixed enemies. His words embolden the signals."
Mr. President, You’re ***squinking. I think You’d better let Your thoughts crystalize some more. We’ll try again tomorrow.
Maybe You should bring some 3 x 5 cards with the answers written on them. But wait! What’s this?! I just heard that James “The Handler” Baker hammered out a rule saying You can’t bring written materials to the podium. I can’t believe how he botched these negotiations! If he had negotiated with Saddam, we probably would have ended up giving him weapons of mass destruction! (Well--he did and we did, but that’s another story.)
Anyway, maybe You can write the answers on Your palm. If there’s not enough room, write them on Your arm. Then You can ****string-strong up to the podium, whip off Your coat and tie, roll up sleeves, and have a little peak.
Make sure You work up a good sweat so Your shirt is good and soaked! People love that stuff! Don’t worry about the Nixon Syndrome--remember when Nixon lost the debate because he sweated? This is different! People love to see that good manly, Texas-working-man sweat pouring off You. You’re one of them! Maybe You can have Karl Rove throw some water on You right before You go on.
James “The Handler” Baker negotiated a rule saying You could have any make-up artist You want. Get Tammy Faye Bakker’s make-up artist! Then when You sweat, Your make-up will run down Your face just like Tammy Faye’s. Then everybody will know You’re working really hard to make America SAFE!
The only thing that worries me is, if You sweat too much, all Your answers will get smeared. Maybe You should tattoo them on Your arm.
Study up! Only two more days to “crystalize Your thoughts!”
Carl Estrada
Glossary of Terms
*smurkle--A cross between a chuckle and a smirk.
**blacho--A macho bluff.
***squink--When You squint and think at the same time.
****string-strong--a strutting King Kong.
Correct Answers
Answer #1: “The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein behind prison bars!”
Answer #2: “We must whip the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to face them here at home.”
Answer #3: “My opponent is sending mixed signals. His words embolden the enemy."
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More articles by this author, Paul Chasman
In the spirit of Lazlo Toth, Paul Chasman, as various characters thinly disguised as sincere, concerned citizens, writes tongue-in-cheek letters to public officials, the famous, and more, gently poking fun at our culture and politics.
