Ever wonder how George Bush, Trent Lott (remember him?), and friends come up with the same toothy jeremiads over and over again? How 'baout that sneaky Scott McClellan? You don't think they come up with all that God Bless the U.S. of A moonshine all by themselves, do you? The trick is their high-tech Republican Spin Generator. Now you can make your own GOP spin in a few seconds with the same tool the right-wing pros use. Whether for a national TV interview, a commencement address at Bob Jones University, or the back room with the big boys, you can suit your speech to the audience. Who knows? You might even wind up in the Senate—or White House! Go ahead. Give it a spin!

We know you love your neighbor's wife and your Jack Daniels before breakfast. We know you share the same concerns as all god-fearing and hard-working Americans. You want to be goddam filthy rich and left alone to watch your big screen just like the rest of us. You hate Clinton and want what's best for the country, like we do.

This war on terror is a necessary evil to eradicate a greater evil, for the good of all good people everywhere, and we know you'll support it with all your heart, no matter how long it takes, or how much it costs, because you are a mindless idiot.

The only way out of this situation is to bomb Iraq, then Somalia, then Tom Daschle, so that businesses can create new jobs for hardworking Americans. But the Satan worshipping, hippy, tree-hugging Democrats are trying to take your hard-earned money and give it to lazy pregnant crack addict mothers instead of putting it in our pockets where it belongs. If you're a patriot instead of a commie bastard you'll help us co-opt progressive language so we don't sound so Neanderthal to help get our country back on its feet and keep us all safe.

Remember, if you want our country to be competitive and not be overrun by the damn Japanese again, put the House and Senate back into the hands of the people who are owners of nice yachts, who are better than their neighbors, and who want to give you the death penalty for reading anything other than the King James Bible for Kids and trillions of dollars of debt just like the 'ol gipper, God bless him instead of feeding illegal Chinese immigrants who are smarter than your children. Remember friends, to save the good 'ol U.S. of A., vote to repeal the Constitution in the next election!